Dear Brothers and Sisters,

Thank you for particpating in the session.

Please find the 4 questions to which our counselor provided answers. If you do not find yours here, check out our upcoming session or submit it there again.

Question 1. WANT TO GET MARRIED AT A YOUNG AGE

Asalamu3lakum, I am a 16-year-old girl who lives in the states and I have 5 other siblings. I plan on getting married young, about, 18-19 years old but my parents want other, they even recommended that I get married when I become a doctor. My parents definitely favorite me less than my siblings and point all my faults and sins out and make it seem if though I am still a child and my brain isn’t fully functioned. I really hate this but still try my best to respect them the best I could, there’s was a point in time where I even thought about getting married secretly till I found out that I need a wali as in my dad, brother ect. But I know they won’t accept for that one reason that I’m “too young”, even though its sunnah. I feel as if though I am ready and can handle what’s to come with marriage but just in case I decided to wait a few more years till I’m legal. When I am at that age and I feel as if though I am ready, can I do it with the imam as my “wali” if my actually walis and parents don’t have a valid reason?? Thank you

Answer:

Salam alaikom wa rahmatullah,

Thank you for contacting us and sharing your story with us.

Marriage indeed is “half of our faith.” It is a very important aspect of our lives, so I am glad to hear that you are determined about getting married at a young age.

Islamically speaking, there should be no obstacle for you to get married in your late teens. There are many advantages to marrying young and forming a family. Especially if you live in an extended family or have family members around who can help the young couple and support them in times of need.

You say that you are ready to get married around 18–19, so basically, after finishing high school, but your parents want you to study first.

There are many parents who think similarly to your parents and want their children to finish higher education first. This is rather a cultural expectation, as being a freshly married wife and finishing education are combinable things.

Probably your parents want the best for you, and they may have an idea about what this looks like. I am not sure whether you have tried to discuss this issue with them. Here I mean an honest conversation where you offer a sincere and detailed explanation and arguments of why you think it is better for you to marry after high school.

You say that they see and treat you as a child, and you hate this. What can you do about it?

Your parents may see you as ready if they see that you are aware of the full picture of a situation when it comes to making a decision. If you are aware of the challenges and possible risks and are ready to consider and discuss how to prevent them. When they see that you take responsibility for your actions and deeds, when you know what you want and what this means in terms of conscious planning and setting goals.

So, to apply this to your concern about marriage, they will need to see your maturity when you are considering proposals. When you are thinking and talking about marriage, the right partner, your needs, your values, and your goals in life, they see you as able to evaluate your proposals accordingly.

I believe that these are the important factors when we are talking about the decision of marriage. We need to know ourselves, our weaknesses, and our needs, and be able to judge more or less whether the other person would be compatible with this or not in the long term. Even if we have the support of our families, we have to be ready for day-to-day life and the challenges of marital and family life. This includes our ability to resolve conflict, adapt to each other, and more.  

I think if your parents see you talking and thinking with this sort of “realism,” they may consider your choices more. What is important is to start the conversation on a foundation of mutual love and care for each other. They may want to protect you and offer their experience, and you may consider it if their intention is pure and supportive. At the same time, they will soon have to see you as a growing adult with your own way of thinking, which has to be respected and supported.

So, with this being said, I recommend talking more, with honesty, about your needs. You may let them know that you feel hurt if they treat you like you do not know. You may tell them that you understand that it is also a challenge for them to see you growing up and gaining more independence. The goals should be mutual understanding and care for each other.

Regarding your last question, it is not recommended to have a secret marriage, as you only delay a conflict and can also break trust in your family. 

Kindly read more here about the conditions of a valid marriage, the necessity of having a wali, and secret marriages.

I hope this helps, may Allah help you and grant you a happy and blessed marriage.

Question 2. Marriage Counseling

As salam alaikum

I am a 19-year-old male will be 20 in few months insha Allah. I would like to get married in the next few years max at the age of 24 but I intent to get married at the age of 23 which is in 4years or 3 years respectively. I have spoken to my mom about it and she’s okay with and I spoke to the imam of my masjid too and he is willing to help but he thinks I am not ready enough. I don’t think he is convinced about my financial status, so I plan to save up as much as I can within 3 to 4 years to be financially stable. But also, when I get married, I would have to start college things maybe a little bit difficult financially.  I cannot start college now because I don’t have papers and not untill get married will I have papers.  I am not getting married because of papers but because it is what I want so I want you to council me on situation like this as, I will prefer to marry a niqabi but most niqabi don’t work.

I would like you to advise me on this situation.

Answer:

Salam alaikom, brother,

Thank you for sharing your concern about marriage.

You are 19 now and would like to get married in 3–4 years. You know that this requires financial stability, and you are ready to save money in order to be able to support you and your wife. At the same time, you will also have to start your studies, and this concerns you, especially the financial part—how to bear the expenses of a marriage and also of your studies.

Brother, masallah, it seems that you know what the challenges of this situation might be, and this in and of itself is the sign that you are on the right track, in sha Allah.

I think the solution can pretty much depend on our expectations and the standards we set for ourselves. In our tradition, marriage should not be an issue of difficulty but of ease, so we have to set our priorities according to the sunnah and not the actual demands of society and culture.

Asking a young adult to present full financial stability and safety as a top carrier in order to be able to get married is somehow unrealistic and can easily lead to disappointment and astray.

If you see grown, adult men around—I am not sure about your father, as you do not mention him—you may see that they didn’t get their fortune overnight. It is the result of lifelong efforts, and they may face financial ups and downs after getting married and forming a family.

So, what can you do?

Try to set your expectations and your goals and make a plan. What do you want? What do you need in order to achieve it?

You say you want to study and get married.

You say that to get married, you will need to save, and you will also have to work, at least part-time, to maintain the basics until you finish your studies. Note that it is a temporary challenge, especially if your studies will give you the opportunity to access better-paid jobs. 

You may look into the details to see whether it is feasible to do both things on a practical level. Sum up and list down the required hours, schedules, work options, salary, basic costs, etc. I advise you to have a realistic lens and not be too vague or too narrow in your judgment.

Also, check your study plans and see what this offers you in terms of self- and career development. How will your invested time and money “pay back?” Will it be worth it? You may consult with a career counselor or advisor who can help you figure out the most optimal options.

So, if you have a plan, more or less, and start looking for a partner, you may explain your goals and plans with clarity and choose someone who is understanding of this temporal challenge. There are many sisters who are conscious of Allah and have their priorities in the deen and not in financial gains or status.

You also mention that you prefer a niqabi, but niqabis usually do not work. I do not clearly understand what your preference here is: having a niqabi wife or having a wife who does not work. Or having a wife who can also work while she maintains her niqab.

Regardless, let me share my thoughts: there are differences of opinion about the obligations of wearing niqab, and there are also differing views on its use in a Western society. You can read more here, here, here on our site.

With this being said, it is true that finding work in niqab is more complicated, especially in the public sphere. But there are other options, like remote work and online opportunities. So, one can find a job in niqab, maybe there are fewer opportunities, as with only a hijab, but there are.

Also, there are Muslim women who would like to work or plan to do so in the long future, while there are others who prefer to keep their primary roles as wives and mothers. So, this is something that I recommend discussing with your future wife, preferably before marriage, and making sure that you are on the same page regarding it. The important thing is to find a balance between what works best for you and your family in your given context and reality.

Also, to enhance your readiness for marriage, you may sign up for an Islamic marriage course or check out YT video series about Islamic marriage. I also advise you to talk about and discuss the experiences of good and trustworthy members of your community, your friends, who may provide you with good and valuable advice on the challenges and benefits.

I hope this helps,

May Allah make it easy for you.

Question 4. Marriage Dispute

All this year me and my husband have been having arguments with each other over the smallest of things and as a result of it we have moved out of my in-laws but he blames my parents saying it was BC they interfered with our marriage when I know that they didn’t and really it was his family that interfered.

Now recently we have had 2 big fights and in both of them a lot of lines were crossed very badly and we have both spoken to each other and acknowledged what to do to move on.

Which includes: when one is angry the other one leaves the room or house, we both read Quran together, we do marriage course together.

However, anything to do with my family he gets defensive about I think he is insecure somewhere, maybe he wants me all to himself.

Now the new problem is my car insurance is due this month.

I work full time and am responsible for the running of my own car as my husband can’t afford it.

But he wants to dictate to me that I need to change all my car insurance to make him happy.

I wanted to ask a question about car insurance – as a wife I have rights to my own money, that means that I can spend it wherever I want without being answerable to my husband? My car insurance is due soon, and I want to keep doing it with my family as part of multi car insurance policy where I get 10% discount on it when I do it in this way, my husband wants me to change the way I do my car insurance as he does not want any involvement from my family. However, I would still be paying for it myself as he says he cannot help me financially with my car insurance. When I try to explain to him that this is my choice and my decision he has no say in it, then he starts saying things like ‘ask your family to deal with any car maintenance issues you, which I feel is emotional blackmail to say as I live with my husband and his family in a different city to my parents, he also said it is because he wants me to depend on him and not my family – I feel this behavior is controlling, and he is meant to be my qawwam and I wanted to know from a Islamic point of view – how should I approach this as it always turns into a very heated argument, as he doesn’t like my family due to interference from his family but he can’t see that.

Answer:

Salam alaikom, dear sister,

Thank you for contacting us and sharing your story about these disputes with us.

First of all, I have to agree with your idea and plan for dealing with anger in order to handle a dispute better. Masallah, may Allah reward your efforts. Leaving the situation and asking for some time until one calms down is a very wise decision. Also, using the Quran (or other means) to bring Allah and our God-consciousness into the picture, as with taqwa, we might deal with a conflict better.

I recommend following this path; you may see how you can implement more strategies about anger management and dealing with conflict in your marriage.

The other issue is related to your car insurance, which you pay, and it belongs under your family’s multi-car insurance. He wants you to have your own and doesn’t want the involvement of your family.

I am sorry that you have been dealing with conflicts and are feeling controlled.

I am not sure about the details of your relationship with your family and what can disturb your husband. You provided some possible explanation of what may motivate your husband’s stance: “he is insecure somewhere,” “he wants you all to himself,” and also that he stated that he wants you to depend on him and not on your family.

So, this makes me wonder whether it is really about being insecure or wanting to gain some control over you, and if so, what makes him feel insecure in your marriage? Have you talked about this?

I am not sure, as it would be really good to hear his answers and get more details about what is going on, as I have the feeling that there are some underlying and unresolved issues behind this particular situation.

You say that he cannot afford to pay for your insurance. But how does this make him feel? I am not sure, but maybe he feels bad about not being able to provide or ashamed of not being able to cover all your costs. If that were the case, would you be more understanding of his possible struggle?

Maybe he struggles with some self-worth issues, and this makes him feel not better but worse about himself. Maybe he interprets your family’s help as a sign of his own incapacity or that you do not respect him and his choices. So, the question is, what can you do to make him feel supported and valued?

So, I am not sure whether you have talked about the emotional needs of each other and what makes both of you feel loved by the other. It would be good to have a conversation about this without being offensive or judgmental. Rather, with empathy and understanding, ask about what the other wants and how this situation makes him feel.

The same applies to you—what do you need to feel loved, cared for, protected, and not controlled?

I am not sure about your agreement and situation regarding finances—who and how you contribute, what you can afford as a family, and what not. What is important for both of you is to see each other according to each other’s intentions. And if you are not sure about them, then have time and space to find out what the other intends to do and mean.

We need to value the efforts of each other and also appreciate the help we offer each other, also on a financial level. So, I am not sure whether your husband cannot afford to pay your expenses out of negligence, out of disinterest, etc., or if it is something that is beyond his best efforts. Surely, it is his duty to provide, but what if he tries his best and that is not enough?

Your question about your money: yes, you can spend your own money on what you want. At the same time, even if you have your own income, when you get married, you also kind of step outside of your family, and your husband and your new family have to “enjoy” some form of priority. It is okay if he wants to feel that he has a word and some form of authority and respect in your marriage; it is a common emotional need of men. At the same time, it is also okay if you want to feel that he is responsible and tries his best to provide for you financially and in terms of wise decisions.

With this being said, I kindly advise a course or couple counseling on assertive communication, learning to be able to express your needs, and showing love and respect for each other in order to make the other feel more secure, valued, and appreciated. If it turns out that any of you are struggling with issues on a personal level, like self-confidence, trust, etc., it would also be good to tackle them by taking some individual sessions.

May Allah make it easy for you, and I wish you success. 

Question My trial is very hard, I need guidance.

Hallo Aboutislam employees, may Allah make you happy in the 2 worlds this dunya and akhirah.
I can’t stand life anymore! I cannot tell detail here and also it doesn’t interest anybody. because My question is about patience.

I am testing with life since my 7, and I had never rebelled to Allah. I am trying to pray x5 times every day and make gratitude to Allah. Thanks for Allah, his blessings/ benefactions are enough: having a university with high grades, a good family and some pocket money as a normal student. I had tried to be a good Muslim my whole life: Even I calculate my sins, salahs, good and bad deeds in my mind every day unexceptionally.
But nowadays I have lost my faith, hope and trust to Allah! Trials are not my problem! My real problem is: I feel myself too far from Allah. I have a doubt Is He give my life a worth? I can’ t understand that what is life about, still.
I cannot go to a therapist because of financial reasons
I have religion OCD, as if my brain repeats “God has abandoned me ” for hours every day. I can’t stand it! my prays, duas and reading Qur’an are not helping me.  Allah is testing me very hardly. I am afraid being crazy and losing my mind it hurts.
İ cry everyday.
My trial is very hard and I am not strong, I am emotional. I want to put an end to blaming God
I wanna feel his love in my heart and see in my whole life.
There is no problem about hardships, the real problem is I can’t make tawakkul and losing my hope to Allah. I want to hear that Allah gives worth to my life. There is no justice in the world and Allah is going to make all justice in the other world. But it’s too late for me! I want justice is in this world! I am bored to be a loser against my enemies always. If I am right and good, I should be the winner but no. I hate all the cruel people who Allah created. I did everything for good but it didn’t work. There is nothing can console me.
Thanks for services for Islam and Muslims. May Allah guide me to become like you Inshaallah.

Answer:

Salam alaikom, dear sister,

Thank you for turning to us with your struggle. I am really sorry to hear that you feel that you are losing your love and trust in Allah. And that you are doubting whether He gives your life worth. You struggle with the thought that God has abandoned you, but you want to stop blaming Him.

You want to feel His love in your heart and in your life.

I want you to know that what you feel, many of us have felt or would feel at some point in life. When things do not seem to make sense, when you feel alone, and when life doesn’t work out the way we want.

You do not go into details; however, it would be good to know: What makes you feel this way? Why did you conclude that Allah has abandoned you? What do you need in order to feel His love and presence? Imagine that you have it—how does this look? What would be different?

Are these feelings related to your family members, school, or friends? What happened? Why do you say, “I am bored to be a loser against my enemies?” And that “I hate all the cruel people who Allah created.“ Who are these enemies and these people you hate, and what did they do?

Or is it maybe because of some goal or expectation that has not been accomplished yet?

You say that you are a good Muslim; you pray; you do good deeds—and also some bad ones. What I would like you to know is that Allah, the Most Merciful, makes it easy and clear what we have to do to gain His love in the Quran. 

Briefly, you have to have taqwa, purify yourself, give charity (according to your abilities and means), rely on Him, repent, do good, and be just and patient in your dealings. Here is an article about more: Who and What Does Allah Love.

I am not sure, but according to what you write, you are worthy of the love of Allah, and I am sure that He loves you.

If you are doing these things, you have to believe His promise and be sure that He is there and loves you, even if things you point out indicate otherwise. You know, we may expect His love to manifest in a specific way. But our expectations are not really about Allah, but about us. What if the love of Allah is there and we just fail to notice it for some reason?

It also happens that we filter out events and only focus on those that reinforce our beliefs about not having Allah there. But, in reality, you may experience positive moments too, right? What about trying to interpret these events in other ways?

Also, remember that the test of our faith contains an element of uncertainty. If we were to see or hear Allah, what would be the test then? 

I sense sadness from your letter, and I am really sorry for your struggle. May Allah make it easy for you. I am not sure, but maybe these feelings are related to a mental health issue or maybe some relationship struggle. It would be good if you could talk to someone you trust and share your struggles. I understand that counseling cannot be an option. But still, try to see whether there are some free options, maybe in the community, in the masjid, or in some organization for youth.

You may talk to your doctor and get an appointment to rule out any mental health problems like a depression, for example. After this, you can look into the details and see what you need in order to feel that Allah loves you. Try to list down, how does this would look like? What would you do? Try to imagine these scenarios. If you have a clear picture of where you want to go, it will be easier to find your way there, in sha Allah.

I hope this helps. May Allah make it easy for you.