Dear brothers and sisters,

Thanks for participating in the session.

Please find the 4 questions to which our counselor provided answers. If you do not find yours here, check out our upcoming session or submit it there again.

Question 1. Got engaged but not intrested in her

Asalamualaikum,

I got engagement with a girl few months ago through arranged marriage. She offers Namaz and do good deeds.

But after first after engagement, I lost all interest in her on first meet may be due to her physical appearance..

My family has planned to fix my marriage by September 2024 but I no more interested her and bcoz I’m employed, I feel apprehension that I got married with her, I would make other illegal relationships with others bcoz I’m not interested in my fiance…

Keeping above in view, kindly counsel me.

Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh,

Your family has arranged a marriage to a girl that you are not feeling any attraction to. Even though she does good deeds and prays, you fear that due to your lack of attraction to her you may go commit haram. These are genuine concerns to have before you enter marriage and should be addressed before you enter marriage.

Alhamdulilah, since you have not actually married this woman, you are not obliged and you are still free to marry who you wish. However, there are some things you should give careful consideration to before moving forward.

Firstly, I understand that looks do play a very important role in being attracted to a spouse and it might feel difficult to establish any kind of bond if you are not at all attracted in the first place. At the same time, especially in arranged marriages where you don’t know the other person beforehand, in time you can come to find them more attractive as you get to know and love their personality. As you come to like and even love them as a person, suddenly their appearance either becomes less relevant or their beauty shines through in ways you did not notice before.

Remember, it can happen the other way also – you could meet someone who looks very attractive and then when you get to know them and they are a bad person, suddenly their attractiveness no longer matters, or they don’t look as attractive anymore. You have said she is a good person who fulfils her duties Islamically so it may be that as you get to known her and experience her as a good, Allah fearing wife, she does become more attractive to you. This may not happen, but its something to keep in mind as you contemplate what to do from here.

Additionally, this marriage has been arranged so assumingly your family know her and/or her family and see her as a suitable match. Alhamdulilah, it’s such an added bonus to have this type of family support as it is so common for disputes to happen between families when the in-laws to not like the new spouse.

Keep in mind that your family know you and have life experience on their side such that they would probably be a good judge of character and what would make a good match for you. Its easy to decide who you like to marry and they be so blown away that you neglect to look at certain things that are important. Having someone outside who knows you to also make these judgements cam be helpful in identifying these things that you’d otherwise overlook.

I wonder if there may be a way to have further meetings with her in the appropriate way such that you could get to know her a bit better and use this to further inform your decision making.

It’s a big decision to make and will be one that shapes your future so its important to think carefully. Take some time to thoroughly consider the pros and cons of marrying or not marrying her and the consequences of each. Consider what is most pleasing to Allah. Give yourself enough time,  but without cutting it too close to the proposed marriage date to have a good deep think about it.

Keep in mind that you are not tied to this marriage so there is still the option to call it off, but do also consider the consequences of the same too. Perhaps even consider how you’d advice your brother if he were in this situation. Once you have made your decision, make istikhara and if the choice is the beat for you, Allah will facilitate it and if it’s not, he will pla e barriers in the way. So, make your choice and put your trust in Allah.

May Allah guide you to what is best for you. May He grant you a pious spouse who will be the coolness of your eyes in this life and the next.

Assalamu Alaikum, I am 16 years old and I have been learning about Islam for about a year now and I have been thinking about taking my shahada but because of my family which is very Christian Iam afraid if I revert I won’t be able to properly practice Islam, what should I do?

Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh,

Alhamdulilah, Allah has guided you to Islam. May Allah make your path a rewarding and blessed one. What you are experiencing is something that many of us reverts also go through in the early stages. For some people the challenges are easily overcome as the family quickly accept their reversion whereas others are completely the opposite, with many falling in between. In fact, many are often surprised at how well their family did take the news.

I think a good portion of that can come from the way you present it and the way they perceive it. If they see that you accepting Islam has turned you into a better person, then they will likely be more accepting of it. Or, even if they see that it’s not changed you much, that can also be a good thing. Unfortunately، the media does a terrible job of showing the god side of Islam so sadly many people are completely disillusioned as a result. This could lead them to feel skeptical for fear of how it might change you in a bad way.

You have said you fear that they will not respond well, but I also get the feeling that you are not totally sure that they will respond negatively. When you are ready to take your shahada, you do so and then when you are ready to approach your family about it do a bit of preparation before hand.

Firstly, assess how they really feel about Islam. You may even start subtly educating them about it in a way that is not forceful or overwhelming. Pray for them to open and soften their hearts to Islam and continue to do so because even after you take your shahada you can be giving them away and guiding them to Islam too. You could perhaps let them meet a Muslimah friend(s) of yours to dispel any myths they may hold already. Let them see a true Islamic personality shine through. This will contribute to softening their hearts as they have positive feelings towards a Muslimah. It may also give them an idea of your reversion also and prepare them to hear the news.

With regards to practicing Islam after they come to know, it doesn’t necessarily have to be something that stands in the way of your relationship with them. For example, you can easily set up a space in your room to pray and read Qur’an and Islamic books. They don’t have to be a part of it. In sha Allah as their hearts become more open to the idea they might ask questions and want to see you doing these things and want to learn more. This will likely be a gradual process that will take time and patience, but you will also find that as a new Muslim, you too will take your time to learn all these new things so it’ll be a gradual process for you too.

There is plenty of support online for new Muslims so do check these many resources out. You will be able to get lots of helpful information from others who have been through the same and tips for how they dealt with any issues that came up for them. These are also good places to go to seek knowledge, which is very important at this time. Additionally, going to your local masjid will be a great place to get support and have a supportive community behind you.

May Allah guide you and make your journey in this life and the next a happy and blessed one. May He keep you rightly guided and soften your families hearts to Islam also.

Question 3. Angels will curse me

السَّلاَمُ عَلَيْكُمْ وَرَحْمَةُ اللهِ وَ بَرَكَاتُهُُ
I’m married for 21 years and my husband has never supported me or my kids. It’s been 8 years that he isn’t working and I have had to pay the bills and see to the home and my kids as well as him. He has been sleeping day in and day out and when he gets money he spends on what he wants for himself and goes on trips to resorts etc without the family. Shukr I have a good job and have been taking care of my kids schooling and all their needs, I can’t get a talaaq now as the home we stay in has his name on it as well as my name. He is very abusive and has now told me I must stay home and give up working. I know I can’t do that as my kids and I will suffer, he wants me to stay in the house and not leave to drop or pick my Kids up from school and says I am going against اللَّه تعالي جل جلاله and will be cursed. Please help me to understand as I do not want to displease اللَّه تعالي جل جلاله.

Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh,

You have been the one supporting and providing for your family for 21 years whilst your husband does not contribute. As difficult as this has been for you, you have worked hard and carried on regardless. Now your husband has changed his attitude and told you to stop working and picking the kids from school. This would make sense if he was going to work and doing the providing, but he is not, so I’m not sure how this could possibly work successfully. He has threatened you with the curse of Allah which is not the best or most appropriate way of advising people.

Anyhow, whether there is any truth in this or not, you are now torn between continuing to work against your husbands wishes so that your family will be provided for, but yet face the consequences with your husband, or obeying him but live in fear about what will happen next when there is no financial stability for you or the kids.

Aside from this dilemma, a massive alarm bell has gone off at the suggestion of abuse. Abuse of any kind is unacceptable and I would urge you to find safety elsewhere for now. This is for both yours and your kids sake. It is not nice to be raising children in an environment where they are exposed to this type of behavior. It will normalize if for them and, Allah forbid, lead them to be okay with being an abuser or being abused in their own marriages.

Having this space away from one another will also give you the time to reflect independently. I’d recommend having further conversation on the matter in the presence of a neutral party. A person off knowledge, or your local Imam, could advise you both on what is right to do moving forward. He can advise the role of the man to provide and ensure your husband is prepared to do this if you are to quit work.

Most importantly, he can also be clear about the way abuse is not acceptable in any form. Perhaps this person may also be able to shed some light on why your husband hasn’t been working and encourage him to get a job. Maybe him going to work will also stop the abusive behavior ad there is a chance that the reason for this is due to the frustration of not fulfilling his role and therefore getting a job could stop that. This may be the case, but don’t think that this makes the abuse okay.

In sha Allah, this will open your husbands eyes to his responsibilities towards you and the way you should be treated. Whilst you continue to reflect on the best way forward and don’t feel safe, please keep away. This is for the good of everyone. If you feel safe to go back and feel you can make genuine progress together, then do so, but not until you are completely ready.

If you don’t feel you can go back, then don’t some legal advice on what could be done regarding the home. Staying in an abusive relationship due to this is not right and I hope there is a suitable solution if he is not able to stop the abuse.

In sha Allah,  some time away from one another will give him the space to have a good think about his behavior and his proposal and hopefully get himself a job so that both your needs can be fulfilled.

May Allah guide you to what is best. May He grant you a peaceful life of happiness and success in this life and the next.

Question 4. Whispers, unable to bear criticism, overwhelmed by small failures

Asalamu aliekum. May Allah grant us goodness in this world as well as paradise in the next life. alhamdulliah I’m born raised Muslim. Alhamdullah I don’t have past sins and bad sins. I have never ever ever left a single prayer in my entire life. I’m such a young person who always ensures that he has fulfilled the commandment of Allah (swt). But I have a question regarding a problem in my mind. Firstly, I’m a person who overthink. Sometimes, I see myself in a situation where I create a scenario or event or stories or imaginary thoughts or fantasy stories in my head unintentionally and some times, I can’t control these thoughts.
To be honest I can not describe fully what is happening in my mind but what I can say generally is that these thoughts are very many. There is no a particular thought that I can say this is the one that is striking my mind but these thoughts always disturb me the most when I’m walking alone or the first hours of my sleep. My head is like two people are chatting each other. I can predict obviously, this is like two people talking over my head. What strikes my mind actually they are not seemed to be thoughts but they are seemed something similar to conversation like two persons having some conversation, without me talking, only this stuff is happening in my head Please my question is have you ever encountered or experienced such things since you are involved in the field of psychology and other things. And I’m so sorry for the long question.

Second question. I’m unable to bear criticism like even a word of criticism so what can I do on these and how can I improve myself.
Third question. Allah has allowed me to struggle the memorization of the Quran alhamdulliah. I can recite the Quran and but now I’m trying to learn the Quran by heart but I don’t consistently engaged in studying the Quran.. I fluctuate many times for instance. some times I’m concentrating and memorizing the Quran and left behind of my other studies and some times I concentrate and focus on my other studies and left behind the memorization of the Quran not reading. Alhamdulliah, I always read the Quran but when it comes between these two, memorization of the Quran and my other studies, I fluctuate in between them. So how can I attain stability or balance in between them.?
Fourth question. I’m a highly sensitive young man which can be even overwhelmed by small mistakes or small failures in life so what are your responses on these? May Allah grant us goodness. Allah knows the best.

Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh,

Although you are frequently apologizing about the long and many questions, what immediately stands out is that they are all related. It looks like one thing is impacting on the other. Alhamdulilah, the good thing about this is it means that, in sha Allah, make some small changes in your life will impact on all of these things simultaneously. As a result, I’m going to advise you more broadly and you will see that, in sha Allah, with these small, gradual changes the difficulties you are experiencing will slowly fade away.

It does indeed seem like what you are experiencing is a result of the whispers of Shaytan. That might sound very scary and it can be, but it would seem that you a strong young man, that despite this challenge is still able to maintain your prayers, even if you struggle with other things like reading Qur’an.. Alhamdulilah.

These whisper seem to be putting a lot of pressure on you and so to tackle them would relieve the pressure in these various areas.  There are different ways to deal with this. Probably the best way, when you are feeling so overwhelmed like this, is to start small. For example, if you do not regularly do your morning and evening Adhkar, then this is a great place to start. With just 10 minutes morning and evening you can be protected from such harms.

From here, introduce the various duas that are good to say throughout the day. You may be doing some already, or not, but just introduce new ones, one at a time. For example saying the dua before entering and when leaving the bathroom, when eating , finishing eating, leaving the house..etc.. these things are easily neglected, but nonce they become a habit, come with such reward.

Not only that, but this is a sure way to keep Allah in mind constantly throughout that day. Remembering Allah in everything you do ensures that you are keeping on the straight path and repelling Shaytan. If you have a hard time with making these new duas habit, you can use sticky notes as reminders until the habit is formed.

Beyond this, something like introducing a regular practice of reading the Qur’an would be particularly helpful to you, especially given the third question posed. You can form a regular habit by making it part of your daily routine. Alhamdulilah , you maintain your prayers, so you could add in reading a portion of the Quran after each prayer according to your ability.

It may be 1 ayah, 5 ayahs, 1 page, 5 pages…etc.. whatever is more appropriate for your level. Start small and build from there. If you set the bar too high to begin with you will part from the habit. So, even if you start with 1 ayat after every prayer, Alhamdulilah, you are on the right path. When this becomes comfortable, increase it to 2 and so on.

These are just a handful of many suggestion to start with and in sha Allah, with patience, in time you will find these challenges you face begin to subside ad your mind becomes filled with Allah above and before all else so that you do not get distracted by other things.

May Allah reward your desire to please Him and keep you firm on the straight path. May He eliminate the difficulties from your life and grant you happiness and success in this life and the next.