Dear Brothers and Sisters,

Thanks for writing to us and sharing your struggles.

Please find here a selection of questions submitted to our page, to the Ask the Counselor.

Check out the 4 questions our counselor just answered. Didn’t see yours? No worries! Join our next session or resubmit your question for another chance to get advice. Stay tuned for more!

Question 1.  Social Anxiety

Assalamualaikum

I’ve been suffering from social anxiety for 2 to 3 years. From childhood I’ve been shy and introverted but from the last three years once in my school life I’ve experienced nervousness and anxiety around my friends and experienced physical symptoms such as nausea and stomach upset, even vomiting. Since then whenever I’m around many people I experience nauseating feelings. I feel a kind of fear that how people will judge me, how they’ll think of me when I make a flaw or mistake and that’s why I get nervous and anxious. I don’t want to be the center of attention. I’m good at studies but whenever I have to give a presentation or something like this infront of people, I find myself nervous, nauseating, and sometimes shivering badly. Even when I get appreciated for any skill of mine, I self doubt myself and get anxious about how I could be this good in a task. It badly affects my daily life. I get depressed, overwhelmed. Sometimes I want to go to a therapist but I can’t afford it. I pray a lot to Allah SWT to heal me, to make it easy for me. Please answer and suggest something, I’ll be so grateful inshaAllah 🤧

Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh, 

What you are describing certainly sounds like you are experiencing social anxiety. You always were more introverted in your ways from a young age, but it’s only in recent years that things have changed in a negative way. Your shy and introverted ways did not impact negatively on your life until more recently when it has now reached a more extreme level where it is impacting on your life more severely to the point that it is even causing physical symptoms. 

This indicates that perhaps it has reached a clinical level that would warrant a formal diagnosis of social anxiety disorder. I know you have said you cannot afford to see a therapist, but I wonder if you might be able to at least see your usual family doctor? Depending on where you live, this may be an option that is available to you and if so, you may find that therapy is available to you for free or at a more affordable cost than you were aware of. Otherwise, your doctor may be able to point you towards a scheme available locally that you could avail of for free. It’s something to look into further. Either way, there are several things that I can advise you to help you for now, in sha Allah.

The first thing that draws my attention is the fact that this seems to have occurred all of a sudden since it is not at the level it was throughout your life. It makes me wonder what changed? Can you identify something that was happening in your life to trigger the way you are feeling now? Was there a particular event that occurred around the same time that you noticed these changes in yourself? 

This could be a big change such as moving house, changing jobs/schools..etc… or it may be something seemingly smaller. 

Perhaps someone said something to you that, with or without them realizing, hit your self confidence hard enough to make you feel this way. It may have been a one off comment, or multiple comments over and over again. Nothing might spring to mind if it’s not glaringly obvious.

You may feel that there’s nothing related, give yourself the space and time to really sit with it. You need to give yourself that quiet space to think back, identify at what point this noticable change occurred and observe everything that was happening at the time. 

Where you were, who you were spending time with, what were the main things you were doing.etc…? Go through each thing one by one and examine how your feelings were towards each thing in the past, and in the present and how have they changed and why? Taking the time to go through these things will help you to identify if there is anything that may be responsible for the way you feel now. If you are able to identify something in particular then this will enable you to target this trigger more specifically. 

This could be any number of things so I cannot advise specifically here, but with this new found knowledge, you can figure out how best to work with this. Generally, if it relates to a big life change that will never change to where it was before, then this will take a process of accepting change and adjusting to a new lifestyle. 

This may involve letting go of old ways completely if necessary, or making a gradual process of it to make the transition easier. If this is the case for you, then given that It’s been quite some time you’ve been feeling like this now, then perhaps you need to take a step backwards before moving forwards. Perhaps you tried to move on to quickly making the process of adjustment more difficult and overwhelming, hence the continued heightened levels of anxiety. 

If this is the case, perhaps you need to bring some of the things from your past forward with you to maintain some familiarity and comfort to your daily functioning. In time, as you get comfortable in your new environment, you could gradually let go of this thing when you feel ready. Alternatively, if you pinpoint the event to be in relation to something that might have happened to knock you confidence, then it’ll be a case of building that confidence back up again. 

Start small. When you are appreciated for a skill, own it. You worked hard for it and you deserve the credit. If someone ever puts you down, remember moments like this. Remember that person is probably putting you down because they’re in a bad space themselves and they’re pushing that into you. If you come across as vulnerable, then they could easily take advantage of this and bring you down with them. 

In the meanwhile, you are focusing on your strengths and doing the things you want to do. Instead of feeling embarrassed, focus on being grateful to Allah for bestowing His blessings on you and use this as a means to mentally stand against any oppressors.

On the other hand, you may not be able to identify any particular event that seems to be responsible for your current increased anxiety. It doesn’t mean there isn’t something, there may be, but you’ve not been able to identify it yet. Perhaps that’ll come further down the line. Or, perhaps there really is not and this is a problem that has developed by itself. In which case, there are ways you can modify some of the things I mentioned above to suit this also.

In terms of worrying about the way others will judge you, don’t! Remember, Allah will ultimately be The One to judge you. It doesn’t matter what others think. When you’re worrying about the judgment of others, stop and ask yourself what Allah would think of what you are doing. 

Let that guide your feelings towards the situation. Of course, this will likely be easier said than done and will require repeated practice, but as it helps you to let go of the anxiety, it will come more naturally and with more ease. 

In sha Allah, this will help to ease your self doubt also as you remember that you are always working with Allah in mind, for the sake of pleasing Him. You can work on this by increasing your acts of ibadah where possible so that it comes more naturally to have Allah in mind with all you do. Aside from your 5 daily prayers, an excellent way to do this is to learn and do the various duas that accompany daily acts of living such as leaving the house, eating and using the bathroom. This may seem somewhat unrelated, but it is a way to get closer to Allah that you will fear only His judgment and not others. It will also bring you comfort from your ongoing anxiety. 

Another thing you can try is positive affirmations. You can take short inspiring quotes from the Quran and Hadith and keep them in a journal, or as screensaver on your phone as constant daily reminders.

I hope that these little tips will help to ease your worries at least a little bit and get you moving on your path to recovery.

May Allah ease all your worries and bring you a peaceful contented life in this world and the next.

Question 2. Anxiety

Salam, I’m facing a severe problem of anxiety disorder more in recent days. My mind has taken me back to all the negative thoughts and my bad deeds I have done till now and all these thoughts are running in my mind. Since my childhood I was an overly sensitive child who made me think a little like a big mountain but somehow I had my good part too. I was also doing some good deeds side by side. I was a person who had started religious practices at a very young age and was actually doing with my creative art of knitting, my studies, my religion but then I had left everything one by one even when I had gone away from my religion.

I was always an inconsistent person for all the activities, even my education. Now I’m married to a really good guy I have to complete my studies first that I had said to him before marriage but I’m not able to do that and now I feel like i can’t do anything I’m actually getting negative thoughts while reading Quran that I’m a munafiq and every verse is only given me the meaning that i will be going to hell however i have stopped myself from sinning but I’m not able to do anything. My heart can’t feel anything and my brain is not working properly.

I wanna live my life the way I was living but the worst thing is that I had shared my waswas with my husband, mother and sister so that they can help me overcome this issue. Nothing helped me. I only feel like I should sleep and do nothing. my mind can’t concentrate on anything. I do one thing and leave the other. I feel the fear of Allah and trying hard to find lots of ways to get help through different websites and that actually messes up further.

I really need help with this. I wanna come back to straight path, but everytime I try I fall again what should I do? I have started up daily walk but can’t to studies and can’t maintain my routine. I’m praying five time a day and also working on tahajjud I want to restart my life with a purpose but i cant because my brain in numb and forget everything so easily. I have given up everything I’m trying to take care of my mom but my relationships have severely affected now. I’m unable to talk and I unable to prioritize my tasks.

Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh sister, 

It certainly sounds like you are feeling incredibly overwhelmed with everything right now and this is inevitably leaving you feeling completely lost. You have at least been able to identify that you are suffering with waswas and it certainly seems to be that way. You are having negative thoughts whilst reading the Qur’an and you have had to cease your studies and even going out walking due to the overwhelm you are experiencing in your mind, tp the point that you are left feeling that you can only sleep and do nothing else 

Although this must be terribly overwhelming for you, there is some great news amongst all this. Firstly, the fact that you have been able to identify yourself that you are suffering with waswas means you can get right down to treating yourself without spending countless hours trying to figure out what going on, or even worse, needing to overcome being in a state of denial where you might not believe it could possibly be waswas. 

This, coupled with the fact that you have been the one to actively reach out for support from your own loved ones and to us here at About Islam, says that you are ready and determined to do all it takes to tackle this problem and in sha Allah I can help give you some pointers to get started.

Although you are struggling with so many things, Alhamdulillah, you have still been able to maintain your 5 daily prayers and even tahajud. It is important that in your journey, you take baby steps. Be content to move at a slow pace. You are already feeling overwhelmed and it is important that you don’t add to this any further. The key to this is in taking your time. Doing too much too soon will only overwhelm you even more and potentially cause you to give up, not necessarily because you want to, but because you have to because you can’t keep up with adding too much to your already busy schedule and full mind. There are lots of ways you can build yourself up again and it is for you to choose what is most appropriate to you based on what you know of yourself. 

Things you may be gradually adding into your routine may be extra sunnah prayers, making dhikr, reading Quran, studying Islam, making adhkar, fasting, making due… etc… These are all things that will draw you closer to Allah and repel Shaytan. In doing so. you will send shaytan packing and lose the waswas. You can pick from any of these and gradually add to them when, and only when you are ready. I would suggest perhaps trying working on the various short duas that are recommended throughout the day as you perform your usual daily tasks such as going out, eating and even going to the bathroom. The reason I recommend starting here is that the duas are very short and easy to memorize if you haven’t yet. 

If you have a hard time remembering, you can make this task easier by placing reminders around until it comes routinely. You can use little sticky notes as reminders such as on the front door as you leave the house and on the bathroom door as you enter. You might be surprised at how quickly they become a habit and you no longer even need the constant reminders. Not only are these duas short, but because you use them throughout the day, they serve as constant reminders of Allah. Shaytan dislikes this and it will encourage him to get out as his power over you will have lessened. You have to remain strong in this fight though as when he sees you getting stronger in your quest to please Allah, he will work harder to guide you astray. Once you have been able to comfortably integrate these into your life bit by bit, try moving onto other things. For example, you might start by reading an ayat a day from the quran. As it becomes more routine, add another, then another, remembering not to move on top quickly. Alternatively, you might begin studying an Islamic studies course, starting with something manageable such as a single short lesson a week and increasing accordingly with time. With this, or other activities, such as reading the quran, you could even take this up as a group task if it’s offered locally, or with a friend, or even online. This way you’d get the added bonus of having someone else on side to keep you motivated and on track also.

As well as increasing your acts of ibadah bit by bit, there is no harm in also doing the same with things that you do for pleasure, such as knitting. Although these aren’t religious things as such (although could easily be made so if you wanted), they are things that are good for your psychological wellbeing and therefore are the things that will keep you mentally prepared and better able to engage in your acts of worship. These are things that will bring you joy and just generally increase your overall levels of motivation. This, along with increasing acts of ibadah, go hand in hand in supporting you to move forward successfully, in sha Allah.

May Allah guide you on His path and bring you content with His Will in this life and the next. May He provide you comfort and joy and make this path an easy and successful one for you.

Question 3. Anxieties related to future and forgoing marriage 

I am someone that does not want to get married but I am worried that my parents – because I am their first born and their eldest son – will want to see me get married and/or have kids of my own, especially my father. Another thing is, bleak future prospects – who will take care of me if I reach old age? What condition will I be in and where will I stay? I want to remain single while ensuring a secure future.

Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh,

It’s not completely unheard of for people not to desire marriage, however, it is more unusual. Usually, for those who don’t want to get married it may have come from having experienced or witnessed an example of marriage that wasn’t very desirable. The fact that you are stating anxiety alongside such thoughts indicates that there might be an element of this for you. For those who don’t want to marry because they want to focus on their career for example, they don’t usually accompany this with feelings of anxiety as there is simply little or no desire for it.

I wonder whether, from your wording, you are feeling like this is just a temporary feeling while you pursue your career and then, once this is accomplished perhaps it is something that you may consider. Given that you are considering what will come of you in old age should you choose not to marry and have children, it is clear that you are contemplating the consequences of not marrying as you are able to see some of the benefits further down the line.

I do also note part of the reason why this whole issue is causing you concern, is the fear of how your parents will react. It seems you believe that their expectations are that you get married and have kids. I’m wondering if you have had this conversation with them to be sure this is how they actually feel? Being the oldest child, it may be that you are feeling this pressure perhaps due to cultural expectations that you may have been expressed to before? The only way to know for sure is to have that open and honest discussion with them. This will allow you to align your expectations. It may be that actually their expectations are that you complete your career first and as the oldest child they are more inclined towards this as expectation for now as this would enable you to take care of them more successfully. You will be able to talk with them and go through all your expectations and arrive at a compromise that allows you all to have your needs met. 

If right now, you feel motivated towards fixing your career. This may feel like a safe space as no big decisions have to be made as such. You may find in time that your motivations will change. Perhaps you will meet someone that you want to marry quite unintentionally. You may also find that as your studies come to an end, you naturally develop a desire to take the next logical step and seek marriage and start your own family.

Depending on your age, the whole lack of desire to get married and have a family may not be as concerning as you might think, especially if you are younger. If so, these anxieties are not so much a cause for concern just yet. As you grow and mature, your priorities and desires will naturally change quite significantly.

Something else to consider, especially in the case that you start having thoughts that maybe you do want to marry sooner than you thought, but yet you fear that to do such would stand in the way of your career, is that getting married doesn’t have to mean an end to.your career. In fact, if you get married during your pursuit, then your spouse will be well aware from the start just how much this means to you and the importance of her supporting you in your endeavors. 

This may not be something that you would get from a spouse if you were to marry after you had already attained your career goals. if you marry during the early stages, then you’d have this additional support that you otherwise would not have. It can be quite easy to overlook these potential perks when you have such a strong vision so this is something to also consider in your decisions moving forward. That’s not to say that chasing this route would be perfect as it seems to fulfill more, because on the other hand, this may also bring additional challenges that make it harder to focus and may stand in the way of progression too. Again, these are all important alternatives for you to think about.

May Allah grant your success in all your endeavors. May He grant you success in life in whatever path you choose that will be pleasing to Him in both this life and the next.

Question 4. Scary pictures and negative imagination during prayer

I have been suffering from scary pictures and faces when I close my eyes in sujood, mostly it’s the scary face of an old man. Sometimes it smiles and sometimes it makes scary faces. This thing scares me so much that I feel like giving up on my prayers, because of this scary imagination I’m unable to sleep, it takes me 2 hours to sleep. I keep on thinking that it’s only me with these thoughts and pictures. It’s so difficult for me to get up for salat ul fajar. I shared this with a therapist and she told me to not give much attention to these thoughts but I can’t get out of this.

Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh sister, 

This must be very scary and is understandable how it could impact your sleep and prayer. It must be very hard to wake up for prayer when you have had such little sleep. I’m glad you’ve been able to get the support of a therapist but it’s a shame that her advice didn’t help. I can offer some alternatives to try and in sha Allah, you’ll be able to find something that works for you.

So, in dealing with such intrusive thoughts there are a couple of ways in which you can deal with them. The first being to not pay attention to them as you have been advised by your therapist. Usually this would be done by using distraction techniques, whether it be focusing on or thinking about something else, or even standing up and doing something else until your mind is free of these thoughts. 

This technique may work sometimes, but often it does not. Perhaps if you were constantly up and praying then this gives you the opportunity to take the matter straight to Allah, but you will also get the reward of the night prayer. This might be a more ideal distraction technique than many and hopefully would at least bring you some level of ease. However, you may find that the thoughts creep back again still. You could repel them with dhikr also.

Another distraction technique that you could use is quite the opposite! Instead of not paying attention to such thoughts and images, you actually do pay attention to them. You may have noticed that often the harder you try to push them away, the stronger they come back! So, something else to try is to give them attention instead of pushing them away. Allow them to be there and allow them to pass as easily as they entered into your mind. Don’t respond to them, just notice them being there until they exit your thoughts and then you can move on. This way you are objectifying them and allowing them to be just that, random objects that enter your thoughts with no emotional attachment. This makes it easier to let them go also as you are not attaching any emotions, especially fear, to them.

Continue with this throughout and see how this goes. It may be a bit uncomfortable at first, especially given the nature of these visions, but in sha Allah they will pass as you find the most suitable way to deal with them. It will likely take some time and practice, but I hope you will see some improvement in a short space of time and eventually they will be gone. You will have also successfully developed a skill to manage any other intrusive thoughts you may have in the future.

May Allah bring you ease and help you to overcome this distress. May He guide you on His path and bring you peace and comfort in His remembrance.