Dear Brothers and Sisters,

Thanks for participating in the session.

Please find the 4 questions to which our counselor provided answers. If you do not find yours here, check out our upcoming session or submit it there again.

Question 1. How to save my mental and overall health while living with a chaotic family member?

Salaam,

This question might seem offensive but I really am lost here. My mother is a traditional woman and has lived a sheltered life. She avoids socializing apart from family and the extended family themselves are drifting apart because everyone has their own lives. She has lifelong depression and chronic illness. She also has an overall negative and dull attitude towards life. As in, she doesn’t understand why people enjoy life and acts annoyed when there’s any positive activity going on like people going to have fun etc. She acts like a people pleaser but also assumes negatively about things that people say and do. This might seem irrelevant about the main question but all these factors are making her stay aimlessly in home without any social life with other women like her. My father has passed away and it’s only 3 of us in house aka my sister, me and her. The sister is younger and still in college. So, the main issue is that our mother creates a mourning-like atmosphere at home. She wails and wails at least 3 times a day. She’s too traditional to understand depression and that she should seek treatment. Growing up I saw her focus too much on the negative sides of life and she’d always just cry and complain and stay gloomy. I thought it was normal. Then I saw other aunties with even more problems in their lives but they’d have a pleasant nature, they’d cry but they’d also laugh and enjoy their lives and nurture the good things too. Now we know for sure that she has depression. We cant’ convince her to get treatment and it’s all so long term I don’t think she has that kind of mental flexibility to accept therapy. My sister has also started absorbing it. My mother wanted sons. Her brothers and her husband have died. So like a traditional woman, she thinks she has no reason to be happy unless there’s a man in her life. She has no social life and no interest in finding matches for us. We can’t find our husbands ourselves. She doesn’t accept help when someone once in a blue moon does offer to help find matches for us. SO, we’re stuck together. I didn’t mention the marriage part to express my distress about being single, neither is my own mental health related to it. I just wanted to say that we have no chance of living apart from our mother. I have stress related headaches and depression too now. Whatever I’m doing there’s suddenly sounds of mourning and wails from her room, quite loud, and it triggers my panic attacks. I also have some neurological problem now. One day my sister might also start experiencing all this. I’d like to repeat that she is not content having female children so our existence doesn’t bring her much joy. She grew up in a traditional home where women’s lives found meaning serving men. And now she probably is unable to find a purpose in life.

Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh sister,

What you have described in your mother sure does sound like depression. She keeps herself isolated, cries a lot, has a negative view on everything and has no desire to do much at all. This is not just a one off, or has been going on for a short period of time, but is enduring and has been going on for years. She also seems resistant to getting any help as she doesn’t believe depression is a thing. Unfortunately, since you and your sister are living with her, he mood is impacting on you and your sister also in terms of bringing you sadness, but also preventing you from living a happy life and getting married as she won’t help you.

Since this mood is so ingrained in who she is at the moment it seems that it’s hard for her to get off now because it’s become her new ‘normal’. As a result, it might take her a while to adjust to a new, happier way of life and will require a lot of persistence from you. Do continue to try and encourage her to get outside help every now and again, but in the meantime, try and bring some consistent positivity to the house. As I mentioned, this will unlikely make her happy immediately, or even after a few attempts, but be patient and make that source of happiness something normal to accept. Think about the things that used to make her happy and let thus guide you. Otherwise, inviting others over, old friends that she can relate to, even if just for 30 minutes a week to begin with. If you can get her out for a short time each week too, this would be a step to positivity also. Continue with these small acts and in sha Allah, you will begin to see some gradual change in her.

At the same time as supporting your mother, you also need to support yourself. The negativity of your mother is and will affect your wellbeing too so it’s important you take care of your own psychological wellbeing too. Just because your mother doesn’t have or desire a social life, it doesn’t mean you and your sister also have to live this way. It’s important that you do have social interactions outside the home too, so I’d encourage you both to stay in top of that for your own wellbeing. If you can’t, or are not up for initiating such contact, at least get yourselves busy in something useful. Work on a project either together with your sister, or both independently doing something you love or learning something new. You might find that you will naturally make new friends this way anyway as you meet others with similar interests. Ideally, if it’s offered, you could do this via your local masjid as you will be with other sisters who share your world view. If they offer anything that your mother might be interested in, perhaps you could encourage her to attend, even if it’s just to look from the side lines to begin with. In time, she may be interested to engage.

As for marriage. Of course with your mother refusing to get out and interact, this will make it hard for you together her active support with this. There is a chance that if the above steps work, she will change and become more motivated to take action, but I understand this will take time that perhaps you don’t have when it comes to moving forward at your pace without delay. As a result, there’s no harm in reaching out to any of your mahram relatives to help you out instead. Perhaps your mother would be more inclined to get involved if someone else is initiating the process. If you don’t have any mahram relatives that you are comfortable or able to reach out to, you can always turn to your local masjid. You could put it to the imam there, or ask any of the sisters there. There may not be anyone available immediately, but if you make it known that you are looking, then if someone comes to know of a brother who is looking for marriage,  they will know that you are available to approach. In sha Allah,  in time someone suitable will come you and your sisters way.

May Allah reward your concerns for your mother and desire to support her through her depression. May He guide her to happiness and ease all of your burdens. May He grant you and your sister righteous spouses that will bring you happiness in this life and the next.

Question 2. Marriage

(1)I recently got married & we have a good marriage .. my husband treats me well alhamdulilah .

But lately I haven’t been able to enjoy my marriage or be intimate with my husband because I am missing & thinking of someone from my past.

We planned to nikkah after we both completed our hifs but things did not go as planned and then I met my husband a year after things ended between us. Lately everything around me is reminding me of him and I feel like such a terrible person and wife. I’ve had 2 dreams of him since last year… very happy dreams that I did not tell my husband about. I don’t know what to do I feel so conflicted. Missing this guy has made me really think of things on a deeper level. (2) At the beginning of my marriage I was really optimistic and happy to have made such a decision at a young age (I’m 20years old) because of the conversations we had beforehand . We both promised that our marriage would not get in the way of our individual growths or anything important to each other. Before we got married, I made sure to ask a lot of questions especially about parenting and we were on the same page. But now I’m scared to start a family with my husband because we are no longer on the same page about parenting styles and it makes me feel that he won’t be as supportive as I’d need him to be. It made me think that my husband married me as fast as he did out of fear that someone else would ask for my hand in marriage and to keep me locked up in the house. I always encourage my husband to not lose himself in our marriage and encourage individual growth expecting the same from him but he always wants me in the house sometimes he makes me feel so guilty for loving to spend time with my family (my relationships with my parents and my siblings are different to his) so when I’m always contacting my sister and parents he gets upset and asks why I always need to be talking to them. I always encourage him to talk to his siblings and parents and friends more often or to visit them and he doesn’t want to take my advice. He expects that when he is home I should be home too and when he isn’t I should still be home. I’m starting to feel that this was not such a good decision

Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh sister,

Before you got married to your husband, you did the sensible thing of discussing matters that often cause conflict in a marriage further down the line. You made sure you were both on the same page in terms of how you would manage such matters. Coming to these common terms gave you comfort and reassurance in entering this marriage contract with him. This is absolutely the best thing you could have done, and is a step that too many people overlook. However, despite your initial collaboration, it seems that your husband is not exactly living by the ways you had initially discussed and it’s making things very uncomfortable for you and leading you to regret getting married.

Certainly in marriage you should spend time together in the house as he desires, but as you want also, you also need a healthy amount of space also, particularly when it comes to spending time with your family. I understand and it looks like you do also that the type of relationship he has with his family is different to the type that you have. If it has always been his way to not spend so much time with his family and they are all content with that, then perhaps there is no real need to encourage them to be together more than they are comfortable to. If this is what is normal to them and it is causing no harm, then leave them to it. Likewise, to you, spending more time with your family is what is normal to you and he also needs to allow that to happen without interference unless there is some level of harm being done. To some extent it feels like perhaps he could be a bit jealous because he wants to spend a lot of time with you. On the other hand, some may say this is a sign of him trying to control you beyond what is acceptable. This is something I couldn’t judge from a single message, but you can make that assessment yourself, or ask those who are close who would be more familiar with the situation. Sure, he does need your time and attention too and is within reason to ask you to spend a bit less time with them IF it is that your time with them is preventing you from spending any time with him, or they’re encouraging you to do wrong. Otherwise, you both need to reach a compromise where you can spend time with them and him. I wonder whether involving him a bit more with your family as much as he is comfortable to (given he is from a family that seemingly is in contact less) to warm his heart towards them and either want to be together with them as a family more, or at least feel more comfortable to allow you to spend more time with them without making you feel bad for it.

To go back to your first point, I wonder whether your recent thoughts and feelings towards an old love has either come about due to your current unhappiness in your marriage? Or, is it the current unhappiness that has had you fantasizing over potentially more appealing things, like the time you had with this past love? Either way, given that you have been thinking about him a lot, it is not surprising that you are dreaming about him. Continuing to think about him will continue to get in the way of your marriage regardless of whether the thoughts came about before or after you started having difficulties. The relationship passed and you have both moved on, so I would encourage you to do all you can to avoid dwelling on a past that you cannot go back to. Instead, be focusing on your current marriage. It seems like you both need to sit together and go back to the discussions you had before marriage. Remind him of what you agreed upon then, be open about how he is making you feel uncomfortable now. Perhaps he is unaware of how it is making you feel. He won’t make any changes if not. Similarly, give him the chance to voice his own concerns. Perhaps something is bothering him too. Use it as an opportunity to make both your feelings heard and make compromises as you initially planned. Get yourselves back on the same page again. In sha Allah, this will be enough to nip it in the bud before things get out of hand. If you feel you need a counsellor present to oversea or help direct the discussion then this is OK too. Once you are able to sort these things out, I expect the thoughts you have of this other man will disappear all by themselves. Ay least, give these things a try first before doing anything more extreme. In sha Allah you can resolve things early on.

May Allah guide you on a path that is pleasing to Him. May He grant you happiness and success in your marriage and make you the coolness of each other’s eyes once again.

Question 3. Asking Allah

There is a boy who I fall in love with so much. We’re dating for almost 4 years but he broke up with me because he disappointed in me. I keep making stupid mistakes and he can’t forgive me this time. It’s not like I’m betraying him or something though.

I was depressed. Allah is the one who really knew that my biggest fear is to lose him, but here we are. However, I don’t angry with Him though because I know this is a haram relationship. I even committed zina with him in order to always please him and keep him stay. So, I thought maybe Allah forcefully take me away from him to avoiding me from sinful ways.

But oh, Allah, I really love him. I can’t be with anyone but him! But now he hates me and I’m so devastated. I keep making du’a for Allah change him for the better so we can meet again when we are in a better place, and get married (oh how I wish to be his wife). It’s for his own good anyway, right? I’m quite confidence that my dua will answered.

But he still doesn’t want to be with me again. I ended up with dua which I rely on Allah’s plan and still ask Him to give him back to me. I also ask Allah to give us His best decision for both of us but I feel so selfish to my ex. If I really love him, I should have ask Allah to grant his wish to never meet me again, right? But I couldn’t. I have my own wish and I feel so guilty about it.

I wonder if I let Allah take care of our situation is the best way to resolve our problems. Or, should I really give up on my wish and ask Allah to grant my ex-wish? But I really can’t since I still love him deeply. Or can I ask Allah for my ex to un-hate me?”

Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh sister,

You are clearly feeling some very strong emotions towards this boy who you were in a relationship with for 4 years. It is understandable that you are feeling such immense feelings of loss as you were with him for such a long time. However, as you have rightly pointed out yourself, this relationship was haram. As hard as this may be for you to accept, Allah has actually bestowed upon you the greatest blessing by parting your ways.  At this point it probably feels far from a blessing to you as it causing you such pain, however, I can promise you that these feelings will pass and in time, you will surely look back with gratitude to Allah as you realize that this truly was the most blessed path to have gone down.  Given that you were with this boy for such a long time, it will probably take quote a while before you reach this point of acceptance, but it will come.

Firstly, since you are aware of the sin, turn to Allah and ask for His forgiveness.  HE loves to forgive so reach out to Him and be confident in His Mercy. Never tire of turning to Him. As you continue to repent and ask for His guidance, you will notice that you heart will gradually soften to a life without this boy.

Another way to help you manage and move on is to see it from this perspective – as much as you must let go and move on, if you truly about this boy, you would want the best for him too, right? 2 of you staying together is sinful and there are dire consequences for this. As much as you don’t want to be published for this relationship, if you love him, you would also hate to see him punished. Although it seems he is the one who has walked away, you have the power at this point to keep it that way by being content with your partying and moving on. It seems this boy has had the same realization, that staying in this relationship was not good for either of you and did the right thing in making the move to end it. May Allah reward him for being the one to make that move as hard as it may have been.

As much as I hope that you see the truth in all this, I realize that it must be incredibly hard to accept that this is the right thing to do and will be very challenging to move forward from.  I would strongly advise you to keep busy in meaningful activities to soften the blow. In particular, you might want to focus on those tasks that bring you closer to Allah. This was, not only will you be engaged in meaningful activity, but your heart will become more satisfied with Allah’s plan as you get closer to Him. Such activities could include joining as Islamic studies program or Quran recitation class. This way your Islamic knowledge will also increase as you also get the chance to mix with other sisters. Such friendships will provide valuable support in overcoming your present difficulties. Whilst I would not suggest you shared your situation with them ever, since it is haram, simply having close friendships will provide a contentment and satisfaction in your heart that will ease your burden and contribute to seeing you through this difficult time.

May Allah forgive your sins and guide you on the straight path. May He guide you to what is best and most pleasing to Him. May He grant you happiness and success in this life and the next.

Question 4. I am considering leaving my husband because of his anger

As salaam wa alaikum wa barakatuhu! I have been married to my husband for 15 years and we have 3 children together and my oldest who is 16 is from a previous relationship (which has posed some challenges for our marriage). Our children together are 6, 11 and 14. All four children are boys. My husband grew up in an abusive family where his dad hit his mom and stressed her out considerably. She passed on 12 years ago and he really misses her. He will not confide in his dad or be honest with his Muslim leader and good friend to receive help or counseling. All of our family and friends are non-Muslim and we both converted from Christianity over 15 years ago. In the past he has done small amounts of physical harm to me. I forgave his actions. Throughout the marriage he’s yelled loudly and says anything he possibly can to make me feel down or bad about myself. A week ago, he slashed my tire because I wanted to leave because he was yelling and telling my kids I only love my oldest son (his step child). I’m worried next time it won’t just be my car that is disabled. Should I leave him? My thoughts are constantly bombarded with thoughts of leaving or how he continues to exhibit pure anger. We tried marriage counseling but he stormed out in session 4. I can’t heal here. I’m so worried about my kids though not having both of us in the home.

Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh sister,

You are right to be concerned here. It seems his physical abuse towards you is clearly getting worse. He has previously done what you call ‘small’ amounts of physical harm towards you which has escalated most recently to him taking a knife to your car and now you are rightfully concerned that next time it could get even worse again.

Aside from the physical abuse, he is also abusing you emotionally by constantly putting you down. This is not the way marriage should be. Sure, marriage has ups and downs and regrettable things get said in the heat of the moment, but they should not be enduring moments that form the norm in any relationship, let alone marriage.

Marriage is supposed to be a place of security that makes you feel safe. This is clearly not your experience. Of course, I can’t judge your situation fully, perhaps you have good times too, but the good times are does not mean that it’s ever OK to physically or emotionally abuse anyone.
You did the right thing to seek couples counselling and it’s a shame it didn’t work out. I understand that he has witnessed domestic abuse in his household growing up so to him, his behaviour probably seems normal as it’s how he has known that marriage to be. However, he also needs to know that this is not normal and it is not OK to treat people this way ever. His past might help you to understand his behaviour but it doesn’t excuse it. It’s a shame that he will not confide in a Muslim leader to hear the Islamic perspective on the role of a husband. This might guide him to correct his ways.

As much as you have grounds for divorce, I’d first encourage you to take some time away to a place of safety for the sake of you and your children’s wellbeing. If you need support in getting out, seek a mahram to support you in doing so. For the sake of everyone, especially the children, this can be done in the most subtle way possible. This will give you the space to decide what is the best decision to make and how to go about it. It will also give him the space to reflect on his own behaviour and perhaps taken the steps needed to get help. Take as long as you need and get all the support you need.

Use this time to turn to and rely on Allah to guide you and protect you. Seek refuge with Allah and once you are decided what you will do, make istikhara and go for it with bismillah. Also use this time to engage in some much needed self care to counter the comments your husband has continually made to put you down. Also make things comfortable for the children because this won’t be easy on them either and may beconfusing. Do things with them that they enjoy. Let them have fun.
May Allah guide you to what is best. May He bring you comfort during these testing times and may He give you the strength to do what’s needed to get through these difficulties.

May He grant you the best in this life and the next.