Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh sister,

Being betrayed in any way, especially by a spouse who you are supposed to be able to trust more than anyone will inevitably cause you to experience the feelings that you are. The fact he has done it on more than one occasion will naturally leave you feeling like you cannot trust him again, feeling paranoid about everything he does. It is a normal response to feel like this.

As difficult as it is, the first step should be to try and reconcile the marriage if possible. Obviously, in a scenario like your own this can be incredibly difficult and would involve building a trust again that has already been shattered. This is not an easy task, and may not be possible at all,  but it something to try first before making any ultimate decision to walk away. This is to be sure that you won’t walk away and have regrets that you did and not have any means after divorce to go back to where you were. At least if you are confident that you did all you can to save the marriage first then you will be comfortable with your decision in the long run. So, in this case I would suggest beginning with counselling together. Seeing someone who is impartial and will be able to hear both sides of the story and advise you accordingly. Someone like your local imam would be ideal as he will give advice that is in accordance with Islamic principles.

During this time you can attempt to rekindle the love by remembering the good times you’ve had together over the years and arranging date nights where just the 2 of you can spend time together alone. Use this time to let him know exactly how you feel. There are many reasons why he might not seem to be remorseful about what he has done. Perhaps he doesn’t realize has truly hurt you are or perhaps he is embarrassed and is feeling bad and therefore his pride is standing in the way of showing you how sorry he is. Either way, neither of you will understand the depths of what each other is thinking if you don’t talk about it.

This might sound very idealistic and, given your present feelings, you might feel like such efforts will be completely fruitless as you have no interest in rekindling things with him. I would highly recommend at least trying and doing all you can to save the marriage first before making any decision to leave. As we know marriage is highly regarded in Islam for many reasons which is why it is important to try and save it first before leaving it. However, whilst some couples are able to bounce back successfully from such difficulties, many cannot and this is ok also and there is no shame in this, especially as you did nothing wrong and you are doing all you can to work things out.

If , despite exhausting all options, you still have no good feelings for him, it is quite acceptable to pursue a divorce. If it comes to this, do make sure you have plenty of support from friends and family. Even though it is what you want and you feel it will free you from an unhappy marriage, divorce comes with a heavy burden, both physically and emotionally so you would benefit greatly from the support of others. Life will be quite different after a divorce and will require time to adjust and your children will also require some kind of support through this also , which, again friends and family can help out with to make the transition easy for them too.

During this time, make sure to keep Allah close and make plenty of istikhara that He will guide you to make the best decision.

May Allah make things easy for you and your children during this difficult time. May He guide you to make the best decision and give you the strength to bear the consequences of whichever path you take.