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Hannah Morris: Ask the Psychologist (Counseling Session)

Hannah Morris
18 October, 2017

Salaam Alaikum Dear brothers and sisters,

We would like to thank you for joining us in this Counseling Live Session.

We would like also to thank our counselor, sister Hannah Morris for answering the questions.

Please scroll down to read the answers to the questions below.

Feel free to contact us and send your questions anytime to:

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[email protected]

Tuesday, Oct. 17, 2017 | 01:00 - 03:00 GMT

Session is over.
DISCLAIMER
Views expressed by hosts/guests on this program (live dialogue, Facebook sessions, etc.) are their own and their appearance on the program does not imply an endorsement of them or any entity they represent.  

Salaam I'm a 32 year old women I had a love marriage with my partner we been married 8 years I have 2 beautiful children aged between 1_6. Goin back 3 years my husband cheated on me with a non muslim not 1 but twice he finally admitted it goin bk a year ago after the guilt started to eat away at him. I was full of rage n emotionally upset for months n he promised he would do all he can to make up for what he did and that had no involvement with the girl and it was due to me n my partner arguing and having marriage problems that made him do that. Since than even thou after some months I said I forgive him but tings have never been the same I am very paranoid I keep tinking what I'd we av marriage problems would he do the same ting. I can't live like that I'm unhappy in my marriage because I have been there for him through good and bad even thou now he was diagnosed with a illness I'm still ere but I feel that he has done nothing to makeup for his actions and all his bothered about now is the fact that if I walk away with my children and move. I feel like thier no love between us and I lost respect for him kinda feel like I have hatred for him when I think of him doin what he did to me. I don't know what to do.could you please give me some friendly advice.



Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh sister,

Being betrayed in any way, especially by a spouse who you are supposed to be able to trust more than anyone will inevitably cause you to experience the feelings that you are. The fact he has done it on more than one occasion will naturally leave you feeling like you cannot trust him again, feeling paranoid about everything he does. It is a normal response to feel like this.

As difficult as it is, the first step should be to try and reconcile the marriage if possible. Obviously, in a scenario like your own this can be incredibly difficult and would involve building a trust again that has already been shattered. This is not an easy task, and may not be possible at all,  but it something to try first before making any ultimate decision to walk away. This is to be sure that you won’t walk away and have regrets that you did and not have any means after divorce to go back to where you were. At least if you are confident that you did all you can to save the marriage first then you will be comfortable with your decision in the long run. So, in this case I would suggest beginning with counselling together. Seeing someone who is impartial and will be able to hear both sides of the story and advise you accordingly. Someone like your local imam would be ideal as he will give advice that is in accordance with Islamic principles.

During this time you can attempt to rekindle the love by remembering the good times you’ve had together over the years and arranging date nights where just the 2 of you can spend time together alone. Use this time to let him know exactly how you feel. There are many reasons why he might not seem to be remorseful about what he has done. Perhaps he doesn’t realize has truly hurt you are or perhaps he is embarrassed and is feeling bad and therefore his pride is standing in the way of showing you how sorry he is. Either way, neither of you will understand the depths of what each other is thinking if you don’t talk about it.

This might sound very idealistic and, given your present feelings, you might feel like such efforts will be completely fruitless as you have no interest in rekindling things with him. I would highly recommend at least trying and doing all you can to save the marriage first before making any decision to leave. As we know marriage is highly regarded in Islam for many reasons which is why it is important to try and save it first before leaving it. However, whilst some couples are able to bounce back successfully from such difficulties, many cannot and this is ok also and there is no shame in this, especially as you did nothing wrong and you are doing all you can to work things out.

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If , despite exhausting all options, you still have no good feelings for him, it is quite acceptable to pursue a divorce. If it comes to this, do make sure you have plenty of support from friends and family. Even though it is what you want and you feel it will free you from an unhappy marriage, divorce comes with a heavy burden, both physically and emotionally so you would benefit greatly from the support of others. Life will be quite different after a divorce and will require time to adjust and your children will also require some kind of support through this also , which, again friends and family can help out with to make the transition easy for them too.

During this time, make sure to keep Allah close and make plenty of istikhara that He will guide you to make the best decision.

May Allah make things easy for you and your children during this difficult time. May He guide you to make the best decision and give you the strength to bear the consequences of whichever path you take.

 

I love my husband very dearly.. He's alhumdulilah a quran hafiz and has done hajj twice.. Prays 5 times a day.. He's a perfect husband and brilliant father to my daughter but he has a flaw which I can't understand. He used to chat to this girl prior to us getting married but she was from Malaysia and was also married. I confronted him about her but he reassured me it was nothing to worry about as it was before we got married. I've been married for nearly 4 years now and he has still been talking to this woman on and off all this time. Every time I find out it's in such a miraculous way because I start feeling uneasy in my life that seems to be going great but something feels out of place. Recently again I randomly saw his phone open and saw messages to this woman again. He had messaged her things like "I would like to see your recent photos, I respect you as a best friend for years," "I've been calling you and video chatting you". I have confronted him before but he's always made me out to be crazy and nosey in front of his family. He knows how much I despise his contact with this woman. I just don't understand how he can respect me and my feelings when it's easy for him to respect her. I'm truly hurt and feeling broken. After marriage I moved from UK to Pakistan just for him.. Now I don't know what to do.. Am I crazy?.. Sorry for such a long message I just can't get my head straight with all this.



Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh dear sister,

Alhamdulilah, it seems that you have a good husband on many counts, but you  are right to be concerned about your husbands behaviour with this other woman, because any contact with this woman is haram. Sure, the contact is online,  they’re not meeting face to face, they’re not having any physical contact either, but this does not make it permissible. Contact between a man and woman without a mahram present is not permissible. This extends to the phone and online contact as much as face to face contact. It is something to worry about because in such cases Shaytan can easily get the better of the 2 parties tempting them to take things a step further and destroy any existing marriages. Shaytan likes that! It is understandable therefore why you do feel concerned about his behaviour with her. Maybe as it is at present there is no pressing concern, but Shaytan can intervene anytime and turn this seemingly harmless friendship into something more sinister very quickly in an attempt to kill both your marriage and the other sisters too.

At the same time, however, do try to avoid being suspicious and looking for evidence for this contact between your husband and this woman as he will become defensive and this may only push him away even more. This can be very difficult when you know that he does talk to her and how Shaytan could indeed interfere and take things a different way, but being suspicious of him will only heighten difficulties with your husband as he may make any contact with her even more secretive which will only make things even easier for shaytan.

To make this task easier in yourself, you can begin by strengthening your own relationship without focusing on what you feel is going on between her and him. Focus on the positives between you for now, appreciating the goodness in each other without being distracted by what he has or may be talking about with her. Take time to do things together, just the 2 of you. Have fun together doing the things you enjoy together.

Get closer to Allah together so that he may realize the error in his behavior for himself without you seemingly have to ‘nag’ him about it. If he becomes aware of it himself, he is more likely to change than if he feels you are always on his back about it. You can do this by, for example, reading Qur’an together. He is a hafiz, so perhaps you could ask him to assist you, or work with you to improve your own recitation or memorisation skills. You could study Islamic topics together or watch Islamic lectures together that might take you both on a journey closer to Allah together. As his fear of Allah grows, he will desire less to do things that Allah does not like, such as talking to this other woman.

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It might be that you also ask someone close to him to address the issue with him, to make him more aware of the potential dangerous consequences of his behaviour, someone who you feel will he may be more responsive to, perhaps a friend or family member.

During this time continue to pray to Allah to guide your husband on the straight path and away from the behaviour he is currently engaged in.

May Allah guide him on the straight at and give you the strength and patience to help your husband step away from his current actions.

I'm an undergraduate in Psychology, and it's my goal to become a Islamic psychologist, inshallah. Unfortunately, I don't know how to go about it. Would a Master's in Applied Psychology be my next step, or Master's in Clinical Counselling? As Psychology from an Islamic perspective is relatively new, there aren't a lot of courses available. I'm really not sure what steps I need to take to achieve this, and I would love to get some advice from counselor's who are already in the field. Awaiting your reply.



Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh sister,

Masha Allah, indeed psychology is a very interesting field to be in. Psychology is such a broad subject that can be useful in many different fields. With there being so many routes to become a psychologist it can be very daunting to the undergraduate psychology student as you contemplate which is the best route to take.

Islamic psychology is an emerging field as you are aware, but as I am sure you are also know Islam can be applied in many different ways to psychology , both improving our practice as we learn how to incorporate Islamic principles into all fields of psychology, but also simply making psychological services more accessible to a wider Muslim community.

Muslim psychologists are required in all the different branches of psychology, so to be a Muslim psychologist does not necessarily narrow the field anymore as you can apply Islamic psychology to counselling psychology as much as you can to health psychology for example. Additionally, there will always be people who prefer to see a Muslim psychologist in all fields, in the confidence that the advice they will give will be in line with Islamic principles.

There a number of things to contemplate to make the next step clearer for you. Firstly, decide which field interests you; clinical, forensic, health, counselling..etc.. This will narrow down which masters to do should you desire to progress to this stage. There are many types of psychology masters available so to have some idea of which area you desire to specialise in, this will narrow down your options more and make the next step less dating as you become more focused on your next step. It may be that there is no course that specialises solely in the Islamic approach to that particular branch of psychology, but it most cases, it is possible to apply the Islamic approach particularly when it come to your thesis where you are more free to be specific on your topic of research and therefore can chose to apply Islamic psychology to a topic of your choice relevant to the branch of psychology that you are studying in.

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There is also another very important thing to consider in choosing your next step. Depending on the country you want to practice in, you will need to check with your local psychological society what the requirements are to become a licensed psychologist. In some countries a masters is sufficient, in others you must also go on to do your doctorate degree also. If you are thinking you might even like to practise in another country, you also need to find out about whether your degree is recognised in that country. Sometimes you are required to take some kind of conversion course, or in others, significant work experience can be sufficient. Either way, all these questions are those that can be answered by the psychological society of your country, or that of the country that you wish to practice in.

In the mean time, it is advisable to get a bit of part time work experience in the field. This will also help to confirm if that particular field is really what you would like to do. Try something new also, it may be that you find you enjoy a different field that you hadn’t even contemplated before. Getting work experience will also help you to develop the necessary practical skills to become a psychologist as well as understanding how the theory that you are learning in your degree work in practice. Working under the supervision , or in an organisation where you will have regular contact with a psychologist will be highly beneficial . It will place you in a position where you can see directly what the role of a psychologist entails as well as being able to get advice from the psychologist themselves.  This will place you in a strong position for progressing your career in the field, especially if you are able to do some kind of work directly with them. In many cases, this will not be a realistic option at first, but certainly positions such as that of a care worker or research  assistant are very useful in gaining insight into the field and relevant experience.

I am unsure of the current status of psychology in South Africa, but in many places around the world, psychology has become very competitive so you need to be prepared for this and the challenges that it may come with, but with patience and persistence is very possible, in sha Allah. With Islamic psychology slowly emerging as it is new opportunities will continue to become available also.

I hope this makes things a little clearer for you. May Allah bring you much success in your career in both this life and the next.

Salam. I have been married for 6 years now. Since the beginning of our marriage his family haven't been nice to me like the first time I came to visit my husband after mullah his elder brother ( who is my older than father) made me stand to see my height which made me very uncomfortable and mad because I felt humiliated as if I was a cow or goat. Maybe it was funny for him but not for me. He have 9 siblings and I have two. Things really were not good. My husband didn't really like spend time with me on the weekends all he wanted was his family or alwaysbaby sitting the kids of his entire family. His father was living with us. Once we went to a wedding in another city, all his siblings went to their rooms in the hotel and my husband, father in law and me left to share a hotel room which I was not comfortable and I was 2 months pregnant as well. We had a fight.It was only six months of our marriage and after that incident we had no intimacy in our married life for almost 3 and a half years. Then I wanted to have another baby. During all this time we always fought because of his family. He even hit me once when I had his father birthday and he complained of me making less potatoes, this made me really upset because I made like 10 different food for his family and we had a huge fight he hit me. Anyway after all those years finally I got pregnant again and I was happy but his father passed away and he blamed me for not letting his father in the kitchen and told me get out of the house and almost divorced me. I got my local imam involved my family and got back home but now I have so much hatred towards for doing all those things to me for all those years. I can't forgive, it hurts so much. Even his brothers sister slapped me during a family according to her I was not working enough. He stood there watching all this. My local imam thinks I am going through post baby depression but the truth is I am so so hurt. Deep inside I don't want to be with him but I have kids and I don't want that to happen



Assalamualaikum wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh sister,

It sure sounds like you have been going through difficulties with your husband for quite some time. The fact that it even goes beyond difficulties only with your husband, but to his extended family also makes the whole thing even more difficult for you.

You did the right thing to involve your local imam to get some impartial advice in the situation. Perhaps he is correct that you are suffering from post natal depression, but it does also seem like there are a lot of other things that are causing you to have a rational response to a difficult scenario. Certainly after giving birth many women will go through emotional difficulties, but without support of close loved ones,  especially the husband, getting through such emotions will be even more difficult and will only enhance the negative feelings.

I would advise continuing to seek the support of your local imam, but perhaps make him more aware of the broader scenario and the difficulties you face as a marital couple. He will be able to give you some counselling and guidance in accordance with Islamic principles. This is something that you should do with your husband too so that the imam can directly advise your husband also and help him to see his own part in the current scenario. One of the most pertinent issues here being the abuse that both he and his siblings have subjected you to. This is not acceptable and he needs to know this otherwise he will continue to do so feeling like he is doing nothing wrong.

You have stated that you don’t want to be with him anymore, but understandably, with children,  you do want to do your best to make it work for their sake. As you know, marriage is highly regarded in Islam and we must do all we can to protect it. Seeking counselling with your local imam can help you with this, but at the same time, sometimes marriages won’t work and it is best for all involved, including the children, that a couple do opt for divorce instead. Sometimes raising children separately with 2 happy parents is more healthy for both couple themselves and the children. Otherwise the children will grow up seeing your marriage as the beat example of marriage and will end up in the same scenario themselves as they know no difference. Do take time to consider how you would feel if this were to be the case in the future. Particularly in the case of the abuse you state is occurring.  How would you feel if they should end up in a relationship where they face the same kind of abuse.

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Aside from this, you’ve been through a lot over the years. Don’t neglect yourself, take care of yourself and the things you enjoy. This will be good for your psychological wellbeing generally as well as better placing you to successfully manage the current difficulties you are going through. Make sure to take some time for yourself each day, even if it is just 15 minutes a day to be by yourself and do something for yourself. Even aside from what’s happening within your family, having children can be a very demanding role and as parents we often spend so much time caring for others that we forget to take care of ourselves. Take up a new hobby, meet friends, read a new book, study a new course.. anything you enjoy to do or would like to try can be incredibly benefi

May Allah make it is easier for you during this difficult time and may He guide you to do what is best for your family.

 

There was a guy who punched me in class and left a mark on my mouth for defending myself about 3 years ago I wrote some questions to stop being afraid that he would punch me again in the streets when he meet me and to stop feeling angry about that mark in my mouth. These are two emotions surrounding fear and anger. He said to me on facebook that he will not do that but I don't believe him he used to lie everytime on the class when I complain to the teachers that he annoyed me. He might punch me because I wrote questions mentioning that he was a bully(didn't mention the name of that guy). Can you tell me the islamic way to overcome fear and anger?



Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh sister,

You did the right thing to consult the teachers as a result of his behaviour. You need to understand here that the problem lies with him and you have every right to be angry towards him as well as fearing what he might to do to you, after all he hurt you once before. His behaviour is completely unacceptable and you should not have to live a life full of fear very time you go to school. The fact you have contact on Facebook only extends the problem beyond the classroom alone. This will inevitably make you feel even more fearful as it is not just a problem restricted to the school environment, but now outside of school and on social media.

The first thing I would advise is cut contact with him altogether. Contact with him aline is not acceptable anyway, even if no abuse was present. If you are  other in contact with him in social media then he cannot say things to you that will induce the fear that you are experiencing.

Make sure to always be with others so that he will be less likely  to touch you or say unkind words to you. If he should dare to do so, then at least you will not feel so vulnerable with others around, plus he may be less likely to say or do anything due to the presence of others. Furthermore, should he actually do anything, there will be others present who will be able to support your case.

There are some other ways in which you can tackle this situation also. If you are comfortable to do so then you can tell your parents about what he is doing. They may choose to speak to his parents and have them talk to him about it. He may be more responsive to his parents tackling his behaviour. It may be that they also speak to the school directly so that they can be aware of what is going on and keep a close eye on the situation. Sometimes in situations where bullying takes place in a scho it is useful to have a meeting between the parents, teachers, and both yourself and the boy. Not only will this make you feel supported and secure that everyone is aware of what is going on and your fears, but it also let’s the bully know that his behaviour is unacceptable and everyone is aware of it and keeping an eye on the situation. This can obviously only happen if you report what is happening to your parents or the teachers or both. Please don’t allow him to bully you into not saying anything about it or you will continue to live in fear. His behaviour is not ok and he needs to be corrected on it if it is to successfully stop.

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In the meantime, seek strength with Allah. This will also help you to deal with the fear. Remember that Allah is the only one to fear and your fear towards this boy will reduce. Remember that Allah is the most Just and will deal with this boys behaviour accordingly. Feel confident in this Mercy of Allah until things are sorted. Difficult as it is also, you can pray for Allah to soften the heart of the boy also, that he will behave more kindly towards you and guide him aright.

May Allah protect and you and guide the boy who bully you. May you find comfort in the remembrance of Allah and may He bring peace to the situation for you that you can live a life free of the fear you currently face each day.