As-salaam alaykum sister,

Shokran for writing to our live session. As I understand the situation, you have a cousin who’s thinking of marrying a guy she has known for four years. Based on what you wrote concerning the argument,  the guy does not want her to have a career which she does want. The guy wants her to clean the house, wash clothes, and cook meals for his mother. He also stated he won’t promise that he’ll treat her as an angel. I am wondering why he would say that he cannot promise he will treat her “like an angel” as this usually means that he would strive to treat her good and take care of her.  This is a worrisome statement from him.

Foundations of Marriage

While there is nothing wrong with cooking, cleaning, and washing clothes as these are chores that do need to be done and most wives do them happily, there is a problem as it appears that this is the main reason that he wants to marry her. Meaning, he may be seeking somebody to take care of his mother and not really seeking a lifetime partner, a wife to grow with. There was (to my knowledge based on what you wrote) no discussion of the future, children, sharing interests, nor any other foundations which are critical to a good marriage.   His main focus appears to be securing the contract based on her services to his mom.  While we should look after our in-laws as we are to be kind and merciful, it should not be an all-consuming en devour and the main focal point of marriage. Allah swt created marriage so that we may grow together in mercy, love, kindness and be a cover for one another.  This means a deep commitment towards the other person’s happiness as well as compromises within Islamic boundaries.

Rethinking the Future

As your cousin is career-oriented and does enjoy working, it seems that this would not be the ideal situation for her. The most important point, however, is the boy’s reason for wanting to marry her.  As stated above, it appears his reasoning for marriage is to be to get somebody to take care of his mom and the house rather than form a truly compatible, loving marriage. Allah forgives me if I am wrong. I would kindly advise you to talk to your cousin insha’Allah and ask her to evaluate the situation in relation to what Allah has designated marriage for. Please do insha’Allah, ask her to make a list of what she desires from a marriage. From that list ask her to check off these things and qualities that this boy has. In addition please ask her and to envision her future life with him and to ask herself if this is a man that could truly make her happy and bring her closer to Allah. While no marriage is perfect, the fact that he is starting off with these demands even before the marriage is a red flag.  It is also a blessing as it gives your cousin the opportunity to re-evaluate his motives as well as her needs in a future husband.  We wish her the best, she is in our prayers.