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Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh sister,

 

Alhamdulilah that you have found someone you wish to marry and that both families have agreed to the marriage. This makes things alot easier than for many from the start. However, the problem in your case is that they wished the nikkah to be delayed until after he has completed his studies. This has made things a little difficult for you both and especially him due to the desires that he wishes to have met yet cannot yet as you have not actually married yet and therefore any such interactions between you will be haram and sinful on you both. You are aware of this, but are also aware of his desires and that the only way to make such interactions halal is to marry him, which you did. However, you did this in private without your parents knowledge and are how left with the guilt of having done it behind their backs. Whilst this isn’t ideal and perhaps might lead to their anger and mistrust of you should they find out, if the nikkah was conducted correctly with your wali present then you are saving yourself from the greater sin of committing zina. This is very admirable as sexual desires can easily lead to such sins so to have done the correct thing in making yourselves halal to one other you avoid this. However, as you mentioned you wanted to do the nikkah in their presence and almost feel like you are not officially married because of this and chose to save yourself sexually until you have had what you see as the correct marriage between you.

 

Now that you are officially married, even though without your parents presence it would no longer be a sin to be with him. However, the depression the situation is causing you is not going to make it comfortable to be with him. It is unfair that he is pressuring you by saying your behaviour may encourage him to commit zina, but at the same time, you went ahead with the secret nikkah to make such interactions with him permissable and he is therefore being denied of what is permitted to him.

 

Now you are married there is also no way to take it back so you need to think about your options in moving forward and the potential consequences of each.

 

You could continue to keep it completely secret and be meeting with him in secret. This will allow you to fulfil your marital rights to some extent but due to the secrecy will come with the added emotional burden or keeping such a big secret. You may even get caught meeting him by some one else and end getting into further trouble and having to come out about your secret marriage which would be even worse than telling them yourselves.

 

You may also chose not to meet him to avoid the temptation and possibly getting caught out and waiting until the nikkah that was originally planned for after he finishes his study. However, this would defeat the purpose of having conducted the secret nikkah in the first place and the consequent stress you have faced. It would also deny you marital rights in the mean time which could be classed as a sin and is also unfair to you both. Furthermore, this may cause difficulties in the second nikkah after his studies as you have already been through the process. You would need to look into if it is possible from an Islamic perspective to even do a second nikkah to the same person.

 

Remember that it is the pleasure of Allah you are seeking and if this means you must disobey you parents if they are advising you against something that is prescribed in Islam then this is a sacrifice you can take. However, of course there may be consequences in your life that arise out of disobeying them. Therefore, you might try and find the best way to being the issue to your parents. To tell them straight out that you already got married may cause difficulties for you so it may be best to approach it more tactfully to avoid this. Perhaps your father’s may be more understanding of the situation from the perspective of your husband so it may be best to approach him about it first to make it then easier to take the news to your mother and extended relatives. Of you are not comfortable to do so then perhaps you could bring someone in with you that you know he would respond well to. Make sure to do so at a time and place where there will be no discractions and he is calm. Take time to explain why you did it and that you feel he would best understand.

 

Discuss the matter privately with the parents first. Tell them that it has hurt you alot that you did it and how sorry you are and let them see and feel that that they may be understanding and merciful to you. It may be that you are catastrophising the situation and that actually they would be more understanding than you expect. After all, they were young and went through the same kind of feelings as you did in their youth. If you approach them privately in this way you could agree between you about how to move forward with this and involve them. This might make them feel less betrayed in the matter as you have come forward in telling the truth and are seeking their guidance and support from now on. Perhaps you could arrange some kind of celebration with the entire family that been seen as and something like how the nikkah would have been as a way to announce it publicly to extended family and allow you both to be together in the future and therefore make things more comfortable for you as you will be able to live as a married couple and not hide anything anymore. Keep in mind that whilst a marriage may be more difficult before one has completed their education, it is not forbidden. Unfortunately many cultures make it necessary for education to be completed first before they will permit a marriage without considering the consequences of trying to maintain chastity and a stage in one’s life where one desires it most. Marriage provides the solution to this and delaying it can lead to all sorts of sins such as zina.

 

May Allah guide you to make the best choice moving forward. May He give you comfort in this difficult times and may He make your spouse the coolness of your eyes in this life and the next.

Thursday, Jan. 01, 1970 | 00:00 - 00:00 GMT

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