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Ask About Parenting (Live Session)

Aisha Mohammad
27 January, 2018

Salamu ‘alaikum dear brothers and sisters,

We would like to thank you for joining us in this Counseling Live Session.

We would like also to thank our counselor, sister Aisha for answering the questions.

The answers will be online very soon.

Feel free to contact us and send your questions anytime to:

[email protected]

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Tuesday, Jan. 30, 2018 | 05:00 - 07:00 GMT

Session is over.
DISCLAIMER
Views expressed by hosts/guests on this program (live dialogue, Facebook sessions, etc.) are their own and their appearance on the program does not imply an endorsement of them or any entity they represent.  

Salam Aleikom. I live in polygyny. I can say I am happy in this marriage. I am the second wife. We have 2 children. The problem is with my second daughter who is 14 years old. She continuously questions me about why I married my husband as a second wife. She dislikes the first wife of my husband and her children. She feels very unconformable when anyone asks him about his mom and dad at school. She says she wants a normal family. A dad who is at home every day. I am trying to talk patiently with her and explain the situation, but she just hates me and her dad and everyone. How can I deal with her? I am afraid this will drive her away from Islam. Jak



as salamu alaykum dear sister,

 

Shokran for writing to our live session.  As I understand it, you are a second wife and you and your husband have two children.  Your 14-year-old daughter is having difficulty accepting the fact that her family is polygamous. Sister, I am not sure how she grew up in a  polygamous family from birth onward and then became to dislike it.  I could see how it would be strange to her if you were a recent revert and married your husband when your daughter was older, but as you wrote, your daughter grew up in Islam and in a  polygamous situation in regards to family.

 

Perhaps sister she did like it at one time but had a falling out with your husband’s first wife (you did mention she did not like his first wife) and this turned her away from something that was at one time normal and happy for her.  Also, your daughter may also be getting teased at school or among friends who may or may not be Muslim regarding her polygamous family.  She may be seeing non- polygamous families and she may feel they have a more advantageous family structure.

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Your daughter is obviously thinking about a lot of things.  This often happens around this age when children start comparing not only themselves but their family to their peers.  Perhaps one of her friends said something to make her feel conscious or feel bad about it.

 

I would kindly suggest dear sister that you take your daughter out for a fun evening, just the two of you.  Maybe dinner, a movie, but make some time for talking.  You can begin by asking her what made her change her way of thinking about your family structure.  I would kindly suggest that you utilize empathy, openness, and a non-judgmental attitude with her sister so you can “befriend” her and gain her trust to open up and tell you what is really going on and why she feels this way.  Please do understand too, that as a young woman now, she is beginning to form her own idea’s and identity, all which may be hurting you as she is angry right now but nonetheless she is entitled to her feelings.  Please do insha’Allah validate this for her in order to draw her closer to you.

 

I would kindly suggest that insha’Allah you talk to her about the great love that you and her father have and how happy you have been as well as the blessing of her and your other child.  You could discuss the sisterhood you cherish with your husband’s first wife.  You may want to also tell her that while a  polygamous marriage is permitted by Allah, that it is not for everyone, that not every woman or man can be as successful as you, your husband and his first wife.  Let her know it is okay to be a Muslim woman and not want a polygamous marriage.  Let her know it is okay for her to want a non-polygamous marriage. You may also want to talk about our beloved Prophet (PBUH) and discuss his great love and treatment of his beloved wives and all their fine attributes as wives of the Prophet (PBUH).

 

What may be behind this as well sister is now that she is older she may feel that while she loves you and her dad very much, it is not something she wants for herself.  She may be feeling guilty about this so it is important that she knows she has choices as you did.

 

Please do pray for her about this.  Make duaa for her sister.  If she was fine with this in the past and this is a recent change, please do try to find out insha’Allah what is at the root of all her pain regarding this and actively address it with her. If someone is teasing her or has wronged her, address it insha’Allah.    Assure her of your and your husband’s love for her as well as Allah’s love for her.  With patience, love and a listening ear, I am confident your daughter will get through this and see the benefits and great love she grew up surround by, and come to appreciate it once again.  You both are in our prayers, please let us know how you both are doing.

Slms. A friend of mine got pregnant many years ago. She wasn’t married to the man and the man wasn't Muslim. She gave birth to a child and her parents took her child away from her. I was wondering if it was correct for them to do so or not and why was it? (she wanted to keep the child).



As salamu alaykum,

 

Shokran for writing to our live session. I am sorry to hear what happened to your friend and her child.  I am not an Islamic scholar so if you seek an Islamic ruling please do consult with our “Ask the Scholar” section.  What happened to your friend is tragic.  However, a beautiful innocent baby was born and sadly, your friend did not get a chance to raise her child.  There may be many reasons why her parents did this-perhaps your friend was very young, perhaps the family could not afford to take care if the child.  Maybe the parents were very angry or ashamed.  We do not know.  However, when we bring a child into the world we are charged with the responsibility to care for that child.  If we are poor, we are to rely upon Allah’s mercy to make a way for us to care for our child.

 

As your friend did want to keep her child and her parents did, in fact, take the child away it would appear to me that it was wrong.  Your friend I am going to assume had repented and put her trust in Allah as far as how to raise her child.  What happened to her and her parents only they know.  Where the child was taken only the parents (and Allah) knows.  At this point sister, as it has been years, I would kindly suggest that you pray for your friend as this is something she will probably never get over, the loss of her child. Pray also for her child as her child is being raised by someone else.  Insha’Allah the child is in a warm, loving Islamic home.

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Sister, you have a beautiful, loving sensitive heart as you are thinking about your friend and what happened years ago.  May Allah bless you with all that is good and enable you to use your lovely heart to help others who are in need.  You are in our prayers.

I love a boy he’s a good man. He belongs from a good family his parents are very pious about Islam very strict now the problem is we both went to a resort we took a room there but nothing happened between us Because I did not want to have any sexual relationship with him before marriage because in Islam it is haram we enjoyed playing basketball and we even went swimming and we came back home. Now the next day what happens was he’s parents came to know they think something happened between us and me committed something haram they think I’m a bad girl and they say that girl is a cheap girl who went to a room with a boy he tried talking to his parents also but they are not even ready to believe. I tried talking to his dad and he agreed but he Dad is not even agreeing at all. He really loves me I really love him he cannot go against his parents also but he cannot forget me also same with me know what to do I’m really upset I’m helpless and confused badly I really love him what to do somebody please help



as salamu alaykum dear sister,

 

Shokran for writing to our live session.  I am really sorry to hear about what happened between you, your intended fiancee, and his parents.  It sounds like everything was going really good sister until you both overstepped your permissible boundaries and got a hotel at a resort.  My dear sister, now I am not going to go into why this was haram because you already know.  The issue is between you and Allah as well as your intended fiancee and Allah.  However, if you look at it from his parents viewpoint-or anyone’s for that matter, how does it look?  If your friend or sister told you she went to a resort with a boy she loved very much and they got a hotel room, what would you think?  Would you think they were alone in a hotel room all night long, with strong feelings of love for each other and they were so strong that nothing sexual happened?  That would be very miraculous don’t you think?  So if you step back and look at the situation from a different perspective, you can insha’Allah understand how his parents may view it and why they feel as they do.

 

I am not questioning you sister, if you said you did nothing I will believe you because first of all this is between you and Allah swt and secondly,  things like this do happen wherein we make mistakes, we make poor choices that can lead to haram and while we may want to do it, we back out at the last minute.  However if found out, this poor choice can lead to devastating consequences as you now sadly see.  I would kindly suggest dear sister that if you have not already, that you repent of the poor choice you both made that has caused his parents to think ill of you (and him).  More importantly, by repenting and making duaa for this situation you may gain a closer relationship with Allah which is the most important factor.  By drawing closer to Allah and seeking His mercy, Allah may touch the hearts of the boy’s parents changing their views and revealing the truth to their hearts.  I will add this-it is not only you, it is him as well, this is something that some parents tend to overlook when something like this happens.  All the blame is put on the girl and she is labeled as “bad” and the boy gets off as if he wasn’t even involved at all!  It takes two, not one and he is just as responsible for this mistake.

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At this point dear sister there may not be much you can do to change his parent’s minds except to pray to Allah.  I know this hurts and I am so sorry you have to go through this.  It is a most difficult situation as well as a most difficult lesson. The boy is the only one at this point who can convince his parents of your and his innocence, though it may be hard.  Lastly, in Islam sister, he is free to marry whom he chooses as long as the potential spouse meets the Islamic requirements.  His parents may say no, but he does have the right to marry you if he wishes.  No one is compelled to marry the one they do not wish to marry and one cannot be forbidden to marry a person one wishes unless there is an Islamic ruling against it.  While he would be going against his parents’ wishes, it is not a sin, it his right to marry who he wishes.  You may wish insha’Allah to speak to him concerning this right and see where he chooses to go from there.  If he does love you and does intend to marry your sister, he can…and he will.  You are in our prayers dear sister we wish you the best.

As salaam Alaikum, My boss is a Pakistani Muslim who married to a white American woman. They 've 2 kids now. He is not religious, never prays not even juma or eid prayers. I always request him but he only says yes and never show any interest. I understand that even though he is not religious still his heart is good which is enough to save him from hellfire. However, I am afraid that his kids will not ve iman because they will never see their parents pray or even discuss Islam. What is the best way to persuade him? Please help me. He is a nice man. He helped me a lot when I was new in USA. He listens to me whatever I say and treats me like his brother. Only he is ignorant about deen. Help me, brother. I pray to Allah every day. I hope my prayer is accepted.



As salamu alaykum dear brother,

 

Shokran for writing to our live session.  May Allah swt bless you for your care and concern for your boss and his family regarding his deen, the future of his children in regards to Islam as well as his family’s well being. You sound like a very good friend and brother in Islam indeed.  Often times brother, people grow up with Islam as a more of a cultural expression than a religious conviction.  They may love Allah, they may have learned the basics about Islam but never really assimilated Islam into their hearts as that was not the way they were raised.  For some people, it is just a part of their cultural expression.  His being married to someone of another ethnicity, country, and faith really has nothing to do with the way he practices his deen.  Either one prays, follows Islam-or they don’t.  There are many Muslims married to Muslims who do not pray, fast or practice Islam.  They are Muslim in name only.  Then there are Muslim marriages wherein one practice Islam and the other Muslim spouse does not.  While these are all imbalances, it boils down to one thing-we alone as responsible for our Islam and our relationship with Allah swt.  No one can make us stop loving or worshiping Allah, no one.

 

I would kindly suggest brother that if you are married as well, that you invite your boss and his wife over for dinner or tea occasionally.  To be his brother and friend and foster a friendship between your family and this may have a positive effect on his Islam. Without talking about it, you will be able to illustrate the benefits and joys of practicing Islam through your home, behavior as well as your wife (if you are married). If you are not married, you can still invite him over for dinner or coffee.  When it is time for prayer, ask him if he would like to pray for you and if not just tell him okay, I will be right back.  Insha’Allah a home environment may be less intimidating than going to a Masjid when first returning to prayer.  Insha’Allah these acts of kindness (inviting him over) and acts of worship will inspire him to begin practicing Islam. Sometimes when one has drifted away from Islam, or if they were not raised with Islam as a concrete way of life, there is often guilt or shame associated with returning to worship, hence the reluctance.  By being a good friend and brother who is non-judgmental but rather lovingly encouraging, insha’Allah, Allah swt will open his heart to practice.  Insha’Allah, once he begins practicing, Allah will touch his wife’s heart as well and the children.

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We never know brother how our actions, our encouragement, and our kindness will affect others.  I kindly suggest brother that you continue to make duaa to Allah for your boss, continue to extend an invite for prayer as well as invite him over for social times to increase his exposure to your pious Islamic way of life.  Insha’Allah your boss will see the light and follow the kalma that is still in his heart.  We wish you the best and keep you both in our prayers.

My son is 12 years old. He is not taking interest in studies. He is studying in a Catholic school. A maulana comes to teach Arabic. How shall I handle him in an Islamic way?



As salamu alaykum sister,

 

Shokran for writing to our live session.  As I understand things, you son attends a Catholic school and the maulana/Islamic scholar comes to teach him Arabic.  Your son is 12 and you state he does not take an interest in his studies.  I am wondering if he is not interested in all of his studies including the Arabic language studies, or just his studies at school. I would kindly suggest sister that you try to rule out any issues that may be going on at school such as his not understanding the subject matter thus feeling defeated; the possibility of him being bullied by other children, or perhaps misunderstandings with teachers which may lead to a disinterest.  I would suggest that insha’Allah you sit down with him and ask him how he days are at school what subjects does he like and ask him if he understands the classes or does he feel he is behind in any classes.  Inquire about his friends at school.  Ask him if people treat him nice as well as if he feels comfortable there.  While it may take some time and trust building o get him to talk about what is going on (if anything is), please do approach him in a non-judgmental way and perhaps share some of your school experiences-both good and bad when you were his age.  By showing that you can relate to him in this manner he may be more open to taking and discussing and fears, problems or issues if they do exist.  This is the first step-to rule out if anything external as discussed above is causing him to lose interest in school and studying.  PBS Parents (1) discusses why children (more often boys) do not take an interest in school and you may insha’Allah gain further insight by reading the article if you so chose.

 

Sister, at this age it is quite common for kids not to take an interest in studying.  There is so much going on at this age with puberty oncoming, kids trying to fit in and learn more advanced social skills as well as the emotional roller coaster of feelings experienced at this age.  Once you have ruled out any other factors for his lack of interest, I would suggest that you find out which subjects if any, he is interested in.  These can be subjects outside of his school studies such as an interest in games, writing, nature, sports, computers, etc.  Focus on what he is interested in and find ways to apply it to his school studies.  While this isn’t always easy to do, with some creativity you can illustrate how his interests are related to his studies in many ways.  For instance, if he likes playing games you can show him how by excelling in math and science it would improve his gaming skills.  If he is interested in swimming, nature or other outdoor activities you can tie that in with biology, physical education as well as other subjects that relate to his curiosities.  By tying in your son’s interests to his academics at school,  your son may begin to realize the benefits of learning and studying beyond getting good grades insha’Allah.

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For a more regulated approach, I would also suggest that you set a schedule for hus activities after school.  It would possibly include time to unwind from his day, a time for light, joyful, fun activities, dinner and of course studying.  I would kindly suggest that you set up a study area in the home which is quiet, calming and conducive to concentration.  Additionally, you may want to insha’Allah have him in an area wherein you can watch him from time to time to see if he is struggling with any subjects and needs help.  Insha’Allah, with a set schedule, he will know exactly what is expected of him and when.  He will also know that if he needs assistance you are there to help him.  Again, this is something he may have to get used to but with time insha’Allah he will.  I would kindly suggest sister that you also get him involved in boys study groups at your Masjid.  By learning more about Islam, as well as being around Muslim boys his age more, he may develop a love for learning in this manner as Islamic history is rich in accomplishments in all area’s of academia.  Additionally, the more bonds he forms with Muslim boys his age, the more inclined he may be to take not only his education more seriously but his position as a Muslim seeking knowledge as well.  There are many hadiths, stories in the Qur’an as well as books written by scholars regarding the importance of seeking knowledge.  I would kindly suggest getting him a few books that may interest him and read them with him as a family effort and enjoyable time.

 

Sister, I am confident this is a phase he is going through due to his age.  As parents, we find this frustrating but insha’allah it will pass soon.  Please do try to rule out any interference’s which may be occurring as outlined above as well as further expounded upon by the PBS (1) article. Find out his interests and applying them to his school studies as well as get him involved with Muslim boys and Islamic groups at the Masjid.  Insha’Allah this soon will pass and you will welcome the change of a young man eager to learn.  We wish you the best.

 

1-http://www.pbs.org/parents/experts/archive/2011/01/why-so-many-boys-dont-care-abo.html