As salamu alaykum dear sister,

Shokran for writing to our Live Session and trusting us with your concerns and issues. May Allah swt make this situation easy for you.  Your situation is that you are 19 years old and you live with your family and extended family and you feel they don’t help you. Additionally, you don’t get along with your sister.

Conflict within Family Relations

According to you, your siblings are all older than you and you feel neglected in your financial needs for school.  You also feel a lot of conflict lately which is confusing you. While on one hand there are a lot of people around you that can provide help in terms of books, transportation, and pocket money, no one is assisting you. Perhaps it is that they are financially unable sister? Or perhaps they are very busy running a home and taking care of the basic family needs. You stay that you’ve been going to work and college by bus.

Insha’Allah sister I would ask if you could look at the assistance that everybody else provides in the home. Is it common that in your family everybody is helping and assisting each other except for you? Or is it that everyone in your family pretty much does the best that they can with what they have? Sister, maybe it is not you that is being singled out, but perhaps in your family everybody “does for themselves”. Perhaps they feel since you are the youngest with les responsibility, you are able to be freer in your choices and options than they are. Whatever the reason is, insha’Allah sister you can come to terms with it and find some peace. As you stated you and your family have trued talking many times with no resolution, perhaps it is time to focus on what you need to do to feel more secure.

Examining Current Assistance

Sister as you do want to complete your university studies, insha’Allah  you would be able to continue studying and working if you remained living at home. I understand you’re very tired after “bussing” it all day, however a lot of people do keep up this hectic schedule with work and school.  Somehow, we all get through these tests and trials in life and are stronger for it. I encourage you to try to make the best of your situation at home insha’Allah. It is hard out there sister and once you leave school, your future may not look as promising.

I understand you want to avoid conflict. I understand you must feel hurt that no one is helping you with transportation, pocket money and so forth. However, they are helping you. You may want to look at how they help you by addressing the following questions: Do you pay rent? Do you pay utilities? Do you buy your own food and cook it? Do you purchase your own bed, dresser, linins, etc? These and other life needs are often over-looked when we are living at home.

Finding Resolutions and Peace

Sister, I understand you now want to move out as you would like to “save face”. However, please do consider that if you move out now, you may not return to the university and it will be much harder. At this point you have a place to stay. I would kindly suggest that you put your “pride” aside and stay home.

Look at this as an opportunity, a gift- to complete your educational goals despite how difficult you feel that it may be.  Many young people do not get this opportunity. It could be worse.

I would also kindly suggest insha’Allah, that if you do stay in the home that you remain kind, considerate, and respectful. While you may be hurt or confused over the lack of help that you feel you should get, you are an adult and you are living in a situation where it appears that you are not required to pay rent or other bills related to the household. You appear to be only responsible for yourself.

At this age is expected that one does more or less take care of themselves. You may see other families who are wealthy, and the kids have everything paid for. This is not the case in most families. Insha’Allah please do not feel hurt but feel blessed by the opportunity to get your education. Your peace and resolution can be a matter of changing your perspective dear sister.

Conclusion

I do not know the situation with your sister, but I encourage you to make duaa to Allah to help resolve the conflict. In the meantime, remain polite, go about your business and create a wonderful future. If the situation is that horrendous, you have plenty to keep you busy and out of your sisters’ path. The two main activities are school studies and work. Try to balance it out by having halal fun times with your friends, taking up a hobby, going to the Masjid more for prayers and Islamic events, as well as self care time. Join a gym, go hiking in nature, start journaling and engage in stress management. All these activities can add balance and fulfillment to your life sister. In time, you won’t even think about what others are not doing for you-you will be too busy enjoying the life you have created with the blessings of Allah.  We wish you the best.