Question #4

Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh sister,

 

I would recommend you seek advice from a scholar regarding the permissibility of this. She is 22 so should be well able to take care of herself outside of the family home, however, she is not yet married and therefore this would leave her without a mahram and therefore still under the care of her father of which he could not provide such if she does not live at home. Either way, it is best to consult scholarly advice to ensure you make the best decision prescribed by Islam.

 

At her age, it becomes difficult to enforce rules as she is now a full grown adult and so will naturally want to make her own decisions, however, whilst still at home she still needs to abide by the rules of the family home. The fact that she doesn’t listen indicates a lack of respect for this.

 

To try and improve this situation try and see things from her point of view. She is an adult but almost has to live as a child still as she is under the rule of her parents. She may be rebelling due to the inner conflict this causes. She wants to be independent but living at home places at least some restrictions on this. This can be very frustrating which may be the cause of her not listening as she tried to find some way to at least have some control in a situation where she doesn’t feel she has enough.

 

Also consider why she might not be listening. Are you placing heavy demands on her? Are they realistic and rational? Are you being forceful with them? Does she get any choice within the home? Or does she have to live entirely by your rules?

 

Consider if it might be simply down to your approach with her that is causing her to not listen. If she is treated like a child, given no choice and forced to abide by rules she doesn’t agree with then this will cause her to either behave like the child she is being treated like or rebel. Instead, remember that she is an adult now and should be treated as the same, this includes the way you enforce rules or make requests. She should be part of decision making in the family and not spoken down to as a child anymore, but as a collaborative partner in the family with an opinion that is valued as much as everyone else.

 

A way to combat this is to give her more independence and responsibilities in the home. Let her take charge of the cooking once a week or so; from picking what will be eaten, going out to buy the ingredients and making the food. Not only will this show her that you trust her, it will give her responsibility and independence and it will also prepare her with the skills that she will need when she eventually does leave home.

 

Develop relationships by doing things together as a family. Eat together, go out together, do things that she enjoys and have fun. When stronger relationships are established she will more likely be more responsive to your requests.

 

May Allah help you in overcoming this difficulty and bring you all happiness and comfort to one another in this life and the next.

 

Thursday, Jan. 01, 1970 | 00:00 - 00:00 GMT

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