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You Asked, The Psychologist Answered (Counseling Session)

Hannah Morris
09 April, 2018

As-salamu Alaikum Dear brothers and sisters

We would like to thank you for joining us in this Counseling Live Session.

We would like also to thank our counselor, sister Hannah for answering the questions.

Friday, Apr. 13, 2018 | 12:00 - 13:45 GMT

Session is over.
DISCLAIMER
Views expressed by hosts/guests on this program (live dialogue, Facebook sessions, etc.) are their own and their appearance on the program does not imply an endorsement of them or any entity they represent.  

Assalamualaikum, I am a reverted Muslim girl from a Hindu family in India.My parents don't know about it as I do a job outside my home and live alone. My age is 26.My parents hate Islam. They are forcing me to get married and they have searched Hindu guy. I know a Muslim guy of my age and I am satisfied with his deen and character and want to marry him. He lives with his family, his parents are not allowing him to get married to me as they are saying they are not considering me as Muslim, they don't like Hindu.The guy is fully satisfied with my character and deen.But his mother is opposing him.And he is saying now that he can't hurt his mother.I am ready to go against my parents as it is allowed in Islam. But he is now stuck and confused what to do.He can't oppose his mother and also he didn't want to leave me.His family has already arranged his marriage with their choice and his wedding could happen in next couple of months. I also don't want to leave him. Please guide. What to do?



Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh sister,

 

Marriage is such a blessed thing in Islam and is highly recommended in Islam due to the many benefits. Whilst it should be a joyous occasion when the family does not support it, it can place a huge burden on the couple; torn between abandoning the marriage and satisfying their parents.

 

We must respect and obey our parents in Islam, but if they are forcing you to do something against Islam then you do not have to obey. In your case, they are forcing you to marry a Hindu man so you are permitted to disobey them and not marry him. However, do still try and maintain ties with them. As much as they hate Islam, you can do your best to educate them on the beauty of Islam and simply by being a good person and exhibiting all the beautiful aspects of Islam in your character. In sha Allah, with time and prayers, they will accept Islam, or at least you become a Muslim first.

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As for the man you wish to marry, his family is also not supportive which only adds to the difficulties, especially because his family is Muslim and the girl they want him to marry is a Muslim too. However, they also can’t force him to marry someone against his wishes. At the same time, however, he doesn’t want to abandon his family.

 

You are both happy with each other’s character and Deen and these are the most important qualities of a spouse. You could go ahead without the support of your families, but this could cause ongoing issues in your marriage in the future, but, they may also come around to being happy with the marriage once they see how happy you are together, but this would require taking a risk. The other option is to not take the risk and abandon the relationship altogether and seek marriage elsewhere. This is possible too but comes at the cost of abandoning the one who you really want to marry.

 

The best way to make the best choice for the both of you and Allah is to make istikhara and ask Allah to guide you to make the best choice.

 

In the meantime, think carefully about your options before deciding which route to take. Perhaps you might decide on a certain amount of time to consider your options whilst trying to convince your families and perhaps arrange a meeting if possible before you make a choice. Perhaps that be that if you can’t sway then in the next few months then you should consider going ahead and mary ing,  or going your separate ways.

 

May Allah guide you to make the best decision and grant you a righteous spouse who will be to the coolness of your eyes in this life and the next.

 

I fall in love with my teacher whose age is 24 or 25 I want to propose him. It is right to have a relationship with my teacher in Islam. We both are Muslims.



Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh,

 

As I am not a scholar I cannot advise on whether this is permissible or not so I would firstly suggest asking g a scholar on this matter before pursuing it further.

 

However, I can provide you with some advice on the situation. Firstly, go back to why you want to marry him. It is common for students to develop feelings for their teachers due to them being in some kind of position of power and knowledge and this can be very attractive. You would need to be sure that he feels the same way too.

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Do be aware of the dangers of teacher/student relationships. It can lead peers in the class to feel you are being favored, for example. It may be seen as abusing his position, or you trying to get better grades. Whilst the opinions of others is irrelevant, ot is only Allah’s judgment that matters, these are things that could interrupt his career and your education. Furthermore, if a marriage was to occur, you would likely need to be assigned to another class or school, or he the same to avoid any kind of bias. So there are practical issues to be considered here also. If approached in the wrong way you could jeopardize his career and your education, so make sure to proceed in the most appropriate way.

 

If you are serious about it and it is permissible, then you should seek the support of your parents in the matter. They will be better able to advise you based on your best interests and will be able to push a marriage forward in the correct way.

 

If it is not permissible, or he does not want to marry you, but you are serious about getting married then again, this is something to talk about with your parents in order that you can seek a spouse.

 

Take time to think about these things and make istikhara to ask Allah to guide you to make the best decision for you and your teacher that will be most pleasing to Him.

 

May Allah guide you and grant you a righteous spouse when the time is right.

 

I have a friend who I like very much and whenever I sent him messages, he does not reply right away. He sent me to reply after two or more than two days. Although he is struggling with studies, it does not convince me that he does not get a minute to reply me. Please tell me do I need to continue this friendship?



Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh,

 

In this situation, there could be any number of reasons why he takes such a long time to reply. Perhaps the reply doesn’t want to be friends with you or assuming the best there are many other good reasons that should be respected.

 

Firstly, like you said he is struggling with his studies. In this case, he may be too busy and distracted to even have the time to respond quickly. Furthermore,  may He just feels that texting back and forth is a distraction for him at this stressful time and would prefer you back off a bit for now whilst he is studying.

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Another respectable reason for his delayed response could be that he fears Allah in being in such close contact with you. As I’m sure you are aware a friendship between a male and female outside of marriage is not permissible. As a result, he is perhaps reluctant to have too frequent contact with you in case it leads to the development of strong feelings that may eventually cause to start getting even closer in a way that is even more disliked by Allah. By delaying his responses, he is decreasing the chances of such a relationship developing, either by pushing you away or just slowing things down. This is beneficial to both of you. If this is the reason why, then he is doing it for your own good and as much as it feels like he’s not being a good friend, I’d actually be a good friend. You may say that it’s only texts and your not alone together, but taking via text can be as dangerous as being alone together in person, and can lead to the same consequences. Some may say it’s even worse because nobody can see the contact between the of you.

 

Besides, these are only speculations on his behavior. It may be something entirely different, but you would not know without asking him. However, I wouldn’t advise doing this without the presence if your mahram. Whatever the explanation, whether he’s trying to push you away, or whether he’s just too busy, it seems the potential explanations are nothing to be upset about. In fact, either way, they are to be thankful for because it is preventing you from ending up in a situation that will be even more displeasing to Allah.

 

If you do wish to take this friendship a step further, then be sure to do so in the correct way and meet with him in the presence of others, ideally your close family so that you are not alone together.

 

May Allah bless you and guide you on the straight path.

I have a Muslim boyfriend who is 31 years old. He has promised to marry me despite the age difference, should I accept it. But the cultural practice of my home country does not allow a woman to be older than the man. I am scared that his parents will not permit the marriage, yet we have a love for each other. Thank you.



Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh,

 

Often cultural differences get in the way of the couple marrying for one reason or another. In this case, you are concerned that his family will not support the marriage as you are a bit older than him and such a marriage is therefore not congruent with your culture.

 

This is simply a matter of culture and is not a part of Islam. In Islam at your ages, there are no restrictions on who you can marry due to their age, besides a 5-year gap is not that much of a gap.

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You could still go ahead with the marriage even if they don’t agree to it, however, there may be consequences if they don’t support it that will make things difficult from the start of your marriage.

 

The first thing to do is to bring it to them. Perhaps they will accept it after all. The best thing you can do to give this potential marriage more of a  chance is to bring the proposal to them in the best way. In a way that lets them see that you are a good person for their son, that they will be happy and comfortable for him to spend his life with you. To do this,  you could arrange a meeting between the 2 families so that they can also see that you come from a good family too. If they are happy that their son is marrying a good wife from a good family then they will be more likely to accept the proposal regardless of age. Pursuing marriage in the correct way like this may also make them more lily to agree too.

 

If they support it, then alhamdulillah, but if they don’t then you need to make the decision between you whether to go ahead and marry anyway and be prepared to face the potential consequences from his family, or forget the marriage and go your separate ways. Take time to consider these options carefully and make istikhara that Allah will guide you to do what’s best.

 

May Allah guide you and grant you a righteous spouse that will be the coolness of your eyes I this life and the next.

Salam Aleikom. Our marriage was never a good start for both of the family, my parents wanted me to marry someone of their choice. And my husband's parents never really got along with my family. We have been married for almost three years now. I work full time. my husband works full time as well. We live with his parent(they are in their mid-60s)I have a hard time adjusting my husbands family. His mother and I don't get along at all. She doesn't like it when I tell my husband what to do or anything.there were few times where his mother had said the worst things to my face and be hide my back, but because of my husband I have never spoken a word or talked back to my parents-in-law. His parents didn't like me going to my parent's house every weekend or even going by myself so I end up only going twice in a month to see my family.. this was very difficult for me because I see his sisters come over at least once or twice a week. and sometimes they sleeping over. My father-in-law wants me to quit my job and stay home 24/7 and take care of them. I disagree with him because I worked hard to get my job. I told him I will become part-time, he said "no", I told him give me till December then I will quit my job and he said "no", he said"in two weeks quit your job" And now he threatens me and my husband, that if I don't quit my job we can leave the house forever. He told my husband that he either pick his family or his wife.. we trying to move but my father- in- law told my husband if he steps out of the house and leaves he will never expect him as his son and tell his family not to meet us ever again. He wants to cut all the ties. I am stuck I don't know what to do, I don't want to suffer rest of my life by staying with them I want to start my own family, but my husband father will never expect him. Please help me guide the right way and what is the best decision.



Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh sister,

 

This sure is a tricky decision to make, especially when it feels like whatever choice you make will be at the cost of something. Ultimately, it is important to respect our elders and care for them, but you also want to start a family with your husband, work and see your family too which is difficult whilst under the roof of your in-laws, but if you leave your father in law is threatening to cut all ties.

 

The first thing to do in this situation is made istikhara and ask Allah to guide you to make the right decision. In the meantime take some time some seriously consider your options and their consequences. You might find it more convenient to write it down and it put visually where you can compare the options. It is an important decision that whatever choice you make will have ongoing consequences. Importantly, give it time. Once you make your decision, leave everything for a short time than a week or so later, reconsider your options. Maybe a better option will come to mind or circumstances have changed. During this process ensure to invoke your husband since whatever happens will affect him also.

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If you do choose to stay perhaps you need to discuss some kind of compromise with your father-in-law, particularly regarding seeing your family and leaving work. For example, perhaps it’s possible for you to cut down to part-time work so you can be at home more, but he has to be willing to allow you to see your family more often. At present, it seems he is quite unwilling to compromise so it may be that it would better to approach him with someone else who he may be more responsive to including your husband or a family member or friend that he is close to.

 

May Allah guide you to make the decision that will be best for you and your family.

Salam sir. I am in high school and my exams are due in two weeks. I am going through a lot of tension and depression because I cant complete all my work. I want to kill myself because I cant handle the pressure but then I think it is haraam. Please, sir, help out.



Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh,

 

Education at all levels comes with a great deal of stress on many different levels; social, academic or financial mainly. In your case you are worried about exams and the pressure is having severely detrimental effects on your psychological health.

 

The first thing I would urge you to do is seek more intensive counselling due to your suicidal thoughts. Most schools have a counselor so this is something you might look into. Counselors from within the school itself will be more experienced in working with students with exactly the same problem that you having.

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Stress and pressure as a result of exams are very common. In fact, most people go through it at some point. The first thing to do is to try and identify why exactly it’s causing you so much bother. This will help you to determine your best line of action. For example, is it because your future career relies on the results of this exam? Or family pressures to perform well? Either way, ask yourself, what’s the worst that could happen? If you fail, it’s not the end of the world, it is likely that there is an option for a retake. This may delay things, but understand that Allah is the best of planners and will bring you educational success and progression when the time is right for you and He knows best.

 

In sha Allah, you will pass, but it’s always useful to have a backup plan in case you don’t. This way you don’t he to live with the stress attached to wondering why you will do if you fail. If you plan ahead then you will feel less burdened as you know that even if the worse should happen, you have a backup plan so won’t face a future of uncertainty.

 

The severe stress you are facing is more likely to have an effect o  your performance than anything so it’s important to try and get on top of this not only for your own wellbeing but I order that you will perform better in your exam. There are numerous ways to approach this.

 

Schedule: You have a lot to revise so schedule what topics you will revise each day to ensure that you allow sufficient time to revise each thing with plenty of time before your exam. This will also avoid you ending up with the added stress of having to do last minute revision.

 

Take care of yourself. Make sure to do things other than revising fit your exam. Give yourself a break and do something fun. Spend time with friends.

 

Additionally, take care of yourself in the form of exercise, eating well and getting sufficient sleep. All of which are essential for good health and will ultimately impact on your exam performance also.

 

Most importantly, pray! Ask Allah for the knowledge you need to pass. Fund comfort in His remembrance and your heart will find rest in all realms of life.

 

May Allah grant you ease with your stressful situation and grant you the knowledge to pass your exams without further stress.

I am in great trouble, please advice me. My husband only listens to his mom n my mother in law is only sweet front of his husband and son. Behind them, she behaves totally different, when I tell this to my husband or father in law they don't believe me. Now because of my mother in law, I keep fighting with my husband so our relationship has become very weak now it's in place of getting divorced. I have 1year old daughter I don't want her to lose her father because I know the pain of living without father I lost my dad, he passed away when I was just 7 years old. My husband does not love me because of our daily fights n now he wants n happy to live me he does not trust me or take my side he always insults me the front of his family n telling I have to be a slave for him and his family. Please help me and advice me, please.



Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh sister,

 

It is very common for wives to experience difficulties with their mothers-in-law.  It is also unfortunate that in many cases, like yours, this comes at the cost of difficulties with the spouse. You feel like it’s heading towards divorce, but at the same time you have a child together and didn’t want her to grow up without a father as you did. Even with this point aside, marriage is so highly valued in Islam that it is recommended to do all you can to save the marriage first before considering divorce as a last option.

 

There are several things you could consider in your circumstance.

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Firstly try and improve relations with your mother-in-law and husband by remaining calm and kind to them, repelling g their bad behavior with good. Behaving like this towards them as difficult and unjust as it may seem may actually serve to turn their hearts towards you as it becomes difficult to insult someone if they are only kind to you. It may be that to be the first one to make the move here, but they are me likely to respond kindly to you if you are kind to them.

 

Secondly, try and organize time alone for you and your husband to have quality time together without your in-laws around. This is a useful way to rekindle things in your marital relations and strengthen your relationship. Try to make this a regular thing that you can look forward to each week. Use this space to talk about old times, the things that you love about each other and good times you’ve had to rekindle what was once between you. If your relationship is strong it will also make it easier to bare difficulties with tour mother-in-law too.

 

Firstly, if your husband is agreeable, you could try marriage counselling. This will give you both the chance to openly and honestly discuss the situation in a safe environment allowing you both to have your say and explore ways to improve the situation. You could even seek this type of support from a local imam who would further be able to advise you from an Islamic perspective also.

 

Finally, what you are going through is very stressful and will be impacting heavily on your psychological health. It is therefore very important to take care of yourself very well at this time. Make time for yourself away from Thai situation. Spend time with friends or take up a hobby that will keep you busy in something aside from your current difficulties. This will provide you with space to be absent from that for a short time in order to have a bit of positivity. This gives you a boost in your capacity to manage the difficulties.

 

May Allah guide you to overcome the difficulties you are facing in your family at present and bring you happiness and contentment in your family.