Dear Brother/Sisters,

Due to the counselor’s limited capacity of answering questions, here are the 4 questions that our counselor has provided an answer for. We apologize for not answering all the other questions.

If you have not received an answer below at this time, please submit your question to one of our upcoming Live Sessions. Thank you for your understanding.

Question 1. Attracted to pious Christian women, I started to question Islam

I am attracted to pious and practicing Christian women around my age. As a result, I question Islam and my faith very much which ends up making me depressed. I cannot decide if I should pursue the pious Christian girl, or not, and whether it is a sign that I am in the wrong religion.

Salam Aleikom brother,

Thank you for sharing your dilemmas with us. I am sure it was not easy to get honest with yourself and write this message down. But honesty is where healing and the true understanding start, and I really appreciate your honesty, brother and look up to you for that. You are on the right path, biznillah.  

I do not know your full story, the environment you live in, or the Islamic education you have received, therefore I would like you to take my words mainly as an invitation to reflect upon. We counselors only raise certain questions that you need to sit with then in silence and deeply think about, because it is only you who know what is going on inside you and what you need to do in your situation. Silence – or cave mode as I like to call it – is going to be the true solution for your dilemma, inshallah.

So, what I understand from your message is that you struggle with two things:

• feeling attracted to “pious and practicing” Christian women that makes you think whether it is a sign that you should become a Christian.  
• questioning Islam and your faith.

The “pious and practicing” words caught my attention and makes me wonder what type of Muslims surround you currently. Are you coming from a practicing family? How about your friends? Do you see women around you that are practicing Islam in a way you imagine your future wife practice Islam? Because what I hear from your words as if the Muslims around you would not be that practicing ones, not in a way at least you understand piety.

I understand from your words that you are a man who is indeed close to Allah. Someone who finds it important to live life according to God’s guidance. This is why “pious and practicing” Christian women might attract you, who are by the way in so many way, especially in regards to moral issues, are very close to Muslims. This similarity might be also the reason Muslim men are allowed to merry pious Christian and Jewish women. So if you desire it, you are allowed to marry from among these Christian women. But you need to ask yourself: what exactly makes you feel attracted to them, and how does your attracted is related to questioning Islam?

The biggest difference between Islam and Christians is theological, and with this, I would look at your questioning Islam and your faith apart from your attracting to Christian women. The questions here are whether you can accept ideas such as the Trinity, Jesus being the son of God instead of a highly important prophet of God, his intercession to the believers, his death on the cross, and also whether you can deny with your heart that Prophet Muhammad was a Prophet and that the Quran is a preserved, ultimate guide to humankind.  

Only you know the answers, but I feel your attraction to Christian women is mainly to their piety and moral of these women and not their religion. Perhaps your perception of Muslim women around you is that they are not pious, they do not behave according to Allah’s guidance and therefore you do not feel the attraction toward them. This can happen as just because someone calls him or herself Muslim does not mean they are practicing Muslims. I also find myself in situations when I find common ground more with Christians or other people than certain Muslims. But I would not become a Christian or a Buddhist for this, because faith is based on a religion’s teachings and not its followers. Muslims are not one box – there are so many type of Muslims who are all in a journey and follow islam in different ways. Some are more practicing some are less. And we always change: you never know how Allah guides hearts: a non-practicing Muslim lady can become a practicing Muslim, or a practicing Christian leaves God all together and becomes an atheist.

So, what does “practicing” mean to you?

It would be very important that you pinpoint (possibly make a list) about what features you like in these Christian women, what does “pious and practicing” mean to you, and what are the values that you simply cannot imagine your marriage without them. This can be a good preparation for you as well for marriage because it is essential that we are aware of those usually not more than 4-5 core criterias (psychology calls them core values) that you search to find when meeting potential wives – even if you do among Muslim or Christian ladies. Find some silent moment and reflect.

Questioning Islam

Questioning Islam for me is also a sign of a sincere man who is searching for the truth. Often Muslims are wrongly taught to not ask questions just believe in the Quran and the hadeeth, but as a convert Muslim myself, I confidentially say this is not the way true faith is planted in the heart.

Even Quran supports this by that fact that its first word was “Read”. But also remember how many ayas are inviting the reader to think, reflect, ponder upon thigs they see. So definitely questions have an important role in Islam to obtain true faith.

True faith comes with asking questions and finding answers for them that creates peace in the heart. As a convert, you can imagine how many questions I had (and still do). I cannot follow something I am not convinced about. However, it does not mean I always understand everything as there are things Allah has explicitly said in the Quran that He sealed from us, but also it often happens that the person is not yet ready to fully receive a certain teaching.

So, I first and foremost invite you to study first Islam, your religion, your background before learning in depth about other religions and comparing it to Islam. How to decide whether something is true or not if you do not even know one basis – your own religion?

I recommend that you chose a platform, or seek help in your local mosque. Collect all your questions and dilemmas and sit down with someone who is truly knowledgeable to answer them. Visit the mosque, try to see and connect with pious and practicing Muslims as well.

You can also take one question at a time and make a massive research only on authentic websites. You can send your questions to our Ask about Islam section, or look around the sections’ previous answers (use the search option).

I highly recommend you listen to the tafseer lectures of Surat al Baqara, only the first 5 ayas (including Elif/Lam/mem), especially from Nouman Ali Khan. This is help you I believe a lot in clarifying what true guidance mean and what is the attitude that we need to learn in general and become critical thinkers. You will love it inshallah!

In silence true answers arrive, so I highly recommend brother that you try spending time in prayer or dua, looking deep into yourself (even with a journal so you can write down anything that comes up), asking God to clarify for you your feelings and thoughts.

You are on the right path brother. Everyone at certain ages arrive to the point when they question even the basic believes of themselves. You are not alone, it is normal, especially at your age. Just do not rush into anything, take the time and think.

May Allah help and guide you

Qustion 2. Parents are against the idea of having non-muslim in laws

Assalamualaikkum Wr Wb. I am a recent convert and practising Muslim. I have met a fellow practising muslimah and we both wish to marry each other. However, we are facing a stumbling block whereby her parents are against us marrying because my family is non-muslims. They mentioned that they are afraid of the idea of having non-muslim in laws (hard to explain to relatives being one of the reasons). We both are of marrying age (late 20s), graduated from University and are working adults. We tested each other with questions of the religion and marriage; and have hit off very well as compared to the previous suitors we had. Is there any way to overcome or address the concerns of her parents? Would it be possible to make them see that my parents (though non-muslims), are caring people who will take care of their daughter as if she’s their own?

Salam Aleikom brother,

Thank you for submitting your question to us.

Indeed, the status of parents is high in Islam as Allah says in the Quran (at many places):

“Your Lord has decreed that you worship none but Him, and be good to your parents.” (17:23)

It is also important that you involve them in your marriage decision. First of all, because they might notice things that you do not because of the “pink glass” of feeling in love. Secondly, it gives both partners the opportunity to learn more about the family patterns one brings into the marriage. How the mother and the father talk to each other, how your spouse’s family members communicate or behave with each other, how they fulfill their roles, etc. all gives you lots of information about your spouse and what you can expect if you married her.

However, the power of the parents has a limit, especially when you are a 29 years old grown up adult.

Of course, no one wants to hurt their bellowed ones, and conflicts with parents can be exceptionally hurtful. You are not alone, we all have our own tests with our family:

“Or do you think that you will enter Paradise before Allah tests those of you who fought (in His Cause) and (also) tests those who are As-Sabirun (the patient)? [3: 142)].”

We, converts often face the difficulty that our parents do not accept our conversion to Islam – and born Muslim parents often freak out when they learn that their son or daughter wants to marry a foreign person whose family is non-Muslim. You are not alone brother.

Conflicts with parents is part of a test that you get to become an emotionally responsible adult. Because the truth is that you are not an adult because you have graduated from collage, or passed the magical age of 18 or 21, or got your first job or apartment. These are part of adulthood, but what really makes you one is assuming the responsibility for your words, actions, and decisions.

This is your “adulthood” test now. Or mainly your fiancee’s test as they are her parents. However, I see a very positive sign in what you wrote us: her parents do not object you, they “simply” fear of your non-Muslim parents. Most of the time the problem is the groom himself, his ethnicity, being a convert, etc. – not his parents. So I find it a good sign that they accept you for their daughter, they possibly like you, this is really important!

What are their fears exactly?

This is the main question that will direct you in finding the solutions to comfort your future in-laws inshallah. Is there anything they experienced from your parents that made them fear? Maybe they learned that your parents were very unhappy about your conversion to Islam? Maybe you want to live with your parents after marriage that makes them fear? Have they even met already?

You (or maybe only your fiancée alone) need to listen to them without interruption. Let them express all their fears they have about having non-Muslim in-laws to their daughter. Do not respond to them right away: collect and think of them together how to comfort each point.

The core of their fear is probably the same what happens between Muslims and non Muslims in general: we do not know the other, we do not know what to expect from the other because it is different from what we know as “the norm”. This is completely understandable.

What brings comfort usually are two things:

• knowledge.
• positive personal experiences.

So, give them knowledge: ensure them that you both handle all the fears they have inshallah, there is nothing to be afraid of. Also, talk to them about your parents, how you have grown up, what you like about them, what values they hold that are common with your fiancés parents, etc.

Also, organize meetings between the two families. Try focusing on what could be common between the two families. For example, if both like hiking, then let’s organize a hiking trip together. Or do a picnic at a place they both like, make food that they like. Let them create good memories (and thus trust) with you and each other.

Maybe your siblings can be also “good intercessors” between the two families. If parents see that siblings can get along with, their own children, then their heart might be more willing to accept the family as well.  

And give it a time. It is hard for the parents as well to let their children grow up. They just want to make sure that their daughter or son will have a happy life. If you have this in mind while talking to them, then you will find the best tone that calms their heart inshallah.

And first and foremost, the both of you make lots of dua to Allah to open the parents’ heart and create unity between them, and bless this marriage. It is Ramadan, so you have an exceptional chance!

I would also recommend you pray istikhara prayer for your marriage, asking Allah to grant it if it is truly good for you and her, or avoid it if it is not suitable. Allah knows best always what is good for us.

I wish you all the best brother, may Allah grant you what is best for you!  

Q. 3. Is there any women out there who fill in the criteria I have set?

 i am an 18 y/o single male who thiks I have opted to stay virgin till i get married.I have 0 relationship history and will strive to keep it nil till i get married. i want a virgin wife and should also should have 0 history.what happens sometimes i get depressed looking at my muslim Friends mingling with other muslims and non-muslims friends.i start thinking that is there any women out there who fill in the criteria i have set ?lets be honest every one has certain criteria to look into their spouse.sometimes i think that how to cope if i get a non-virgin wife ?i absolutely get crushed by this thought and get lost.like i stayed true to ahkaams but then fate has different things to offer.we have to accept fate too.then why did i chose to be clean ? for jannah yes but i am a human too !my sadness turns into anger etc

i also have trust issues like i cant stop thinking if my wife is cheating on me.am i psychopath or something ?

Salam Aleikom brother,

Thank you for writing us. You raise very interesting and very important questions, and I sincerely hope I can give you some peace with my answers

 “Is there any women out there who fill in the criteria I have set?”

Certainly there are. There are literally all types of men and women “out there” you can think of, especially at the age of the Internet when the whole word has become basically one country.  

Mashallah brother, you write that you firmly decided to stay virgin until marriage and you want a spouse like this. I sincerely commend you for your strong belief in wanting to follow the criterias Allah has taught us in the Quran. It is an exceptionally hard one, I believe, for young people today as the non-Muslim world is going into the completely opposite direction. Today it is often shameful not to lose one’s virginity until marriage, people can be bullied for this. However, I have read many non-Muslim marriage counselors’ opinion on sex before marriage and they often recommend it not for religious reasons but that the couple can stay focused on matters that will matter the most in the long term in a marriage. Giving into desires too soon will just strengthen the “pinky glass” effect, and rob your chance from talking objectively about issues that actually decide whether the couple really matches and will stay for long or not.

There are many studies, but let me offer you one to read: “Researchers found that those who wait to have sex until marriage, compared to those who don’t, report significantly higher realtionship satisfaction (20%), better communication patterns (12%), less consideration of divorce (22%), and BETTER sexual quality (15%)”

So be sure brother, there is always a good reason for Allah’s boundaries.

And because it is the criteria of Allah as well, you are on the right path. So if this feels right to you, I would highly recommend you never scarify this value for the sake of anyone, especially because we Muslims only want to “impress” Allah and no one else. I am really proud of your decision and you should be too. It takes courage to go against the majority, but Allah said in the Quran:

“Or do you think that you will enter Paradise before Allah tests those of you who fought (in His Cause) and (also) tests those who are As-Sabirun (the patient)? [3: 142)].”

This is your test now: you will be average and give up to peer pressure and your desires, or you stay firm with your values and earn inshallah the reward of Allah. Look at it maybe this way and you will feel sad for those friends who were weak and have sex before marriage. Make dua for them that they become strong again soon in their faith and repent.

Choosing a virgin spouse

When it comes to choosing your spouse, and you feel you really cannot marry a non-virgin, then I would also recommend you keep this criteria. Staying true to yourself will help you find the spouse that matches you.

It often cause problems that people do not really know who they are: why exactly they feel a certain why, why they do certain things, or what they want in life. We say we do, but usually we do not get into the depth of the issues, we stay on the surface. For example: “I feel angry because…”  Well, anger is a surface feeling, there is always so much more under anger if we dare to ask “why” until we get to the bottom. However, when we can list those 3-5 core values we cannot imagine live without at this current moment, then that is a point when we are able to truly see and decide who we want to. So I encourage you brother to list these criterias: how you imagine your marriage? What are 3-5 points your future spouse must have?

I would not feel anxious about not finding a match. If you know who you are looking for, and you make sincere dua, and you actively search and do your part (ask in the mosque, let all people know you are looking for a spouse, etc.), Allah will grant you the spouse at the right time. We have so many things to do in this life, so now as you are 18, I would focus on studies and finding who I am so that when Allah sends me the spouse I need, I will be able to recognize her inshallah.

However…

In finding your values and who you are, I will recommend you ask yourself in silence the following question as well: “What makes me want to marry only a virgin woman?” Especially that you also mentioned you have trust issues: “i also have trust issues like i cant stop thinking if my wife is cheating on me.” This thought of non-virginity you said cruses you and you cannot deal with it, so it is surely something I highly recommend you work on – even maybe with a therapist in a one to one therapy. You are definitely not a psychopath; there are so many people who think the same way, soo many whose trust issues affect them one way or another now at their adulthood. Believe me, we all have traumas and stuff we must work on, so there is no any shame to seek help fro ma professional when you feel you cannot deal with your thoughts. I cannot help you more at this moment because I do not know your background, it is a longer therapy that happens face to face, but I encourage you do it.

What you should keep in mind is that you should not enter a marriage with trust issues and fears that you wife will cheat on you because it can cause much conflict and difficulties in your marriage that could have been avoided if you went to therapy before. This is a pre-assumption that is coming from somewhere, you need to look into the depth of it, something maybe you experienced as a child, maybe your mother or your grandmother had suspicious behavior you witnessed, or you experienced that your mother or someone whom you love left you….I do not what to give thoughts into your head. So, just have some silence around you and look deep into yourself with this question.  

I emphasize this in particular because what if you find a woman who matches you in personality and future goals, but she is a convert who had boyfriends before. As you might now, when someone becomes a Muslim, she is like a new born baby – sinless. Even better than you who have been a Muslim for years and probably have committed some sins already, may Allah forbid. Or you meet a Muslim lady who made a mistakes but repented to Allah sincerely.

By Him in whose hand is my soul, if you did not sin, Allah would replace you with people who would sin and they would seek forgiveness from Allah and He would forgive them.  Source: Ṣaḥīḥ Muslim 2749, Grade: Sahih

Would it be fair to reject someone truly amazing due to a past sin? If we can look over sins so easily such as talking bad to parents, skipping a prayer, smoking or whatever so, then what makes virginity an unforgivable sin? You need to know what you truly feel about this.

Let me share with you that I am myself is a convert Muslim woman, and I would have been really sad if my husband judged me for losing my virginity before marriage, because I feel I am a good Muslim, worthy to be married to a virgin Muslim man. After my conversion, I studied about Islam for two years at a university, I can speak Arabic and read Quran with tajweed, I study also the tafseer and wear hijab and modest clothes, I am very loyal to my husband, and have done so many things I feel that inshallah makes my husband also proud that he chose me as his wife.

Virginity I believe in in the heart mainly. There is no guarantee that you marry a physically virgin lady and she will not do something bad to you. I would look at her character, her values, whether her personality and life goals rather whether they match mine. This is more of a guarantee that she will be loyal to you than simply whether she has experienced sexual intercourse before or not.

If you worry about that you would not be “good enough” because she has experienced this before and you are not, then let me assure you: this is never going to be the case because women sexuality is different from men. If we feel secure with a man, we feel everything is fine between us otherwise, we feel he takes care of us, then we want to have sex with him. “Being good in the bed” is a myth: again, western culture often represent a very fake picture of sexuality that cause trouble in marriages. Sex is about bonding. If you are good to your wife, it is basically a guarantee of her loyalty. Cheating – from both sides – happens only when something is wrong in marriage, but they might not talk about it. As long as you keep an open, honest relationship with your spouse, there is really nothing you need to worry about.

Please, read about female sexuality and how it works. I feel it will give you insallah some relief. 

I also recommend you make dua to Allah, you bring all your fears and issus to Him and He is the only one who can truly help you. It is Ramadan, so size the opportunity inshallah.

I am so happy brother again that you have reaches us with this important question. I ask Allah you seek help for your trust issues and that He grants you the best spouse who matches you soon, biznillah.

Salam,

Q. 4 I want to leave talking to my friends who are girls, but for some reason I can’t.

Assalamualaikum

I am just a 17 yr old Proud Muslim from India. I just want to leave talking to my friends who are girls but for some reason I can’t. I have tried so hard but it doesn’t work. I just wanna talk to them you know. I know this is a sin and I want to leave it especially in this blessed month but they all meet me in class and say How are you and all that stuff. How do I deal with this

The same thing I want to do with my cousins but I can’t since we all live in same house and I have three cousin sisters and they all are very Frank with me and I just don’t want it to be that way But I can’t do anything to stop them. When I talked to my father about this he said it’s okay to have some jokes with non mahrams but it should be done in a respectable manner and he also said that as long as you r not having the wrong intention there is no sin on you.

But the problem is that I know in Islam we can’t befriend non mahrams and crack jokes with them. But I can’t help it I mean they all are so sweet and their voice is so beautiful and all that.

Whenever I pray I think to myself that I am a hypocrite since I am not following Allah SWT’s command of not befriending non mahrams and then fulfilling salah.

I mean I can’t take this anymore. I feel like I am a disgrace to Islam.Plz help me Jazakallah Khairan

Salam Aleikom brother,

I am really glad you wrote to us and got the things out that are troubling your heart. May Allah reward you for seeking help.

Brother, I guess you will not be surprised if I say you are definitely not alone with your problem. Male-female interaction within the family is a big challenge oftentimes, if you even live with under the same roof. Mashallah, the fact that you messages us shows your piety and strong faith in Allah and His guidance.

I recall the time when I converted to Islam 14 years ago. I was a high school student, 17, just like you. I used to have lots of male friends whom we greeted each other with hug and 3 kisses on the cheeks. But I became a Muslim in the summer, and September arrived, I had to do something with the situation. It was really really awkward to tell them, sorry I no longer want to greet you like this. But I really wanted to, I felt it right. (I did not feel attracted to them, but I felt I do not want to keep any door open.) We kept talking, but it was no longer like before. They mocked me a lot. They often came to me and pretend that they want to kiss my cheek. I would let them do because I wanted to show them they cannot make me get angry. They did not do at the end, they just made fun of me. It was hard but eventually our relationship became to saying hi in the morning at school. I lost many of my so called friends, but earned a few new female ones whom I got busy. I loved being with them at school, and I no longer had time for other friends.

So I recommend something similar approach in your case as well. Take one steps at a time. I think it is important to be honest with them and tell them honestly how you feel. That no one influences you or “puts the gun to your head” to do this, but you feel this is the right thing to do. It would be important for you to maybe even write down on a list for yourself why you want to stop talking to female friends. The clearer it is for you, the clearer you can communicate this to them.

It would also be easier for the girls to accept that you no longer talk to them not because you hate them, or they are no longer “good enough” for you as friends and cousins, but you have other feelings that stops you from communicating with them. You do not need to be rude to them though, especially not with your cousins you live with: a “how are you-fine thanks” type of surface conversations, especially when adults are also around would inshallah not harm anyone. I would focus on mainly stopping private and personal conversations. They are still your relatives at the end that deserve kindness, but within the limits of Islam.

About friends: if you look around, friendships also often break naturally, you do not even have to “announce” it. Some people are best friends once and then a year later they just simply find other friends to hang out with and forget about the old ones. Nothing really happened, just they got busy with their new hobby and the people whom they do it with, or joined a basketball team, or a study circle.

So while I recommend honesty, I also recommend that you start looking for activities that keep you busy and are beneficial for your well/being and studies. Peers at your age are very important part of your life, so maybe you want to look for male friend that you share common values, or you do some sport or something of your interest while focusing a lot about your studies and future.

Make dua also that Allah guides you on the right path, repent to Him if you feel you have done something wrong, keep studying about Islam inshallah, and  may He grant you a spouse at the right time whom you will love and enjoy the time with, inshallah.

Salam,