Ask about Parenting (Counseling Session)

Salamu alaykum dear brothers and sisters,

We would like to thank you for joining us in this Counseling Session.

We would like also to thank our counselor, sister Hannah for answering the questions.

Find answers below.

Feel free to send your questions to [email protected]

The service is completely anonymous


Q:

As-salamu alaykum brothers &sisters,

I have a question I hope inshallah I can get any answer. I lost my 3years old son last June 10 this year by accident, If I die can we meet again? He still knows me as her mother? We can live together afterlife?

A:

Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh sister,

Inna lillahi wa inna ilayhi rajioon. I am very sorry to hear of your loss. Losing someone close is a very devastating thing to happen, especially when it is the child that you have loved and nurtured from the moment of conception.

must miss her dearly and long to be with her still and this is probably why you are asking these questions.

Firstly, find solace that you daughter is now in Jannah and free from the pains and challenges of this life. In sha you will be able to join her when you eventually pass from this life.

Take this experience as a motivation to do good in this world and fear Allah that you too will be granted Jannah.

This experience will be causing you incredible amounts of distress and is one of the biggest trials any parent can face, but it is also an opportunity to show your devotion to Allah that you will meet all the requirements of one who is deserving of Jannah with your daughter.

Remember that Allah tests those that He loves most with the biggest trials, and this is certainly one of them.

The process of grieving can be a long one where you will pass through various emotions along the way, perhaps feeling depressed some days, angry on others and feeling fine on others and this is OK.

This is a normal part of the grieving process. It might be tempting at times to push these feelings away in an attempt to move on quickly, when in fact this can even be harmful.

Allow yourself to feel these emotions and this will help you to adjust more quickly. It will be painful, but if you have support around you it will be much easier, especially from those who will consistently remind you of Allah and this will remind you of His will and Mercy.

This incident is still very fresh so it is only natural that it is still causing you so much pain. It is very important that at this time you have the support of your loved ones around you.

This will help you with the difficult emotions that you are going through now and provide you with the comfort that will be necessary for you to get through this.

This will certainly be useful in terms of emotional support, but instrumental support will also be useful right now too, having people to help out with task that you may otherwise not feel up to right now. This will give you the space to grieve without being caught up in other matters.

As well as seeking support from loved ones, you could also turn to bereavement support groups where you will get support from others who have been through, or are going through the same as you are.

It’s usually perhaps more comforting to get support from others who know exactly how you are feeling and can provide advice and support based on their own experiences and this will help you to not feel alone in what you are going through.

Furthermore, you might consider getting bereavement counseling also. This can be an excellent way to receive the ongoing support from a professional experienced in helping people in your situation who will be familiar with what you are going through and give you the chance to fully express your feelings without judgment.

May Allah grant you ease during this time of distress. May He reunite you with your daughter in Jan ah in the future and may you find comfort in His remembrance until then.


Q:

As-salamu Alaikum,

My 9-year-old daughter says she doesn’t want to wear a hijab when she grows up. I didn’t argue with her because I didn’t want to force my view on her. How can I respond to her in a way that changes her mind?

Thank you

A:

Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh sister,

Masha Allah sister, you are taking the right approach, firstly by talking about it at the age of 9 when she is starting to grow up but just before she reaches the age where it becomes compulsory to her.

At the same time, you are taking the approach to not force it upon her. This is the best approach to take as to force her into it will only make her have a negative association with the hijab and have no desire to wear it at all.

At this age you can be trying to make her have a positive relationship with the hijab by firstly understanding where her negative attitude towards it came from.

Is there something in particular that has made her not want to wear it? Has she been exposed to negative stories in the media? Do you live in a minority Muslim area where she may be singled out? Understanding these things will also help in shaping your response to her too.

For example, if it is that there are few others locally who wear it and she is feeling like wearing hijab will make her stand out as different, then you could approach this by linking her in with other girls her age and slightly older who may already be wearing hijab perhaps through friends.

This will help to normalise the hijab for her and make more of a connection to her identity as a Muslim in ways that she might struggle with with yourself or older family members.

If it is regarding the negative stigma of wearing hijab as portrayed by the media then you can counter this by educating her on the beauty of hijab from a more Islamic perspective.

Come to toner level and let her know that you understand why she is feeling this way and discuss any struggles you may have also faced her age and how you overcame them. This will help her to connect to you and be more willing to see things from your perspective since she can see you are appreciating her own.

Aside from these, you can introduce the hijab to her more casually by allowing her to pick some hijab for herself to wear to pray, or to go to the masjid or even just to wear when she pleases.

This will enable her to be a part of the process and have some say without feeling forced. When she makes this decision for herself she is more like to want to wear it more and of her own volition. Let her pick colours she likes, or styles she prefers.

Perhaps she would like to try different styles and decide for herself which is best for her. When she does where it, even if just for prayer, pass positive comments, but without being too patronising.

This will make her feel special when she wears it and have positive associations with wearing it that will encourage her to do the same again to experience the same senses of satisfaction again.

May Allah reward your desire to guide your daughter in the right path and may He  soften her heart to the hijab that she will come to wear it by herself when the the time is right and necessary.


Q:

As-salamu alaykum, irst I would like to thank you for your service, may Allah accept your good deeds.  Can you please give me tips on how to talk about Hajj and its significance for my children aged 3,7,10. Also let me know your opinion about whether children should watch the Adhuyah , and if yes at what age?

Thank you for your help

A:

Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh and ameen to your dua,

Masha Allah, now is a great time to raise this topic and start educating your children on this very important pillar of Islam.

The first thing to consider is that the way you approach it should appropriate to their ages. Given the different ages, this will be different for each of them.

You could set them all individual tasks according to their age, or, to make things easier for you, you can set tasks in such a way that can be appropriate to all of them but is approached in slightly different ways.

For example, if it is that they are to present a piece on the topic, then perhaps your 3 year old could color a picture from the story, your 7 year old might answer short questions and your 10 year old could write a short paragraph, but all on the same topic.

There are also other things to do with them where you could involve them all regardless of their age. For example, most children love hands on crafts. Hajj is an ideal topic to take a hands on approach.

You could get a big piece of card and have them draw out a map of the route that is taken for hajj. As part of this, they can make mountains and the kaaba and all the landmarks that are important during the pilgrimage.

This will make it a fun exercise for them that will make it easier for them to recall and them to be more eager to learn more.

Most people, young and old, adult and children alike, benefit from multiple learning styles so this will be a hands on approach that will solidify their knowledge and understanding of what they are hearing and reading on the topic and therefore will make it more likely to be remembered by them.

You might also get them to teach each other and give them some responsibility over their learning too, so perhaps your 10 year old may read the story to the younger ones and your 7 year old can help explain it to your 3 year old.

Teaching in this way helps to give them a sense of pride and responsibility for what they are learning as they are part of the process.

There are plenty of resources available online as well where you can download and print various age appropriate worksheets for your children to use also.

Often this will be in the form of activities which wi testy their understanding of the topic and add further variety beyond simply reading the story and learning from reading alone.

A variety of approaches like this will make it more likely that they will retain the knowledge at the same time as making learning enjoyable for them.

Regarding the udhuyah, this will be something that you should make an informed decision on based on your understanding of your own children.

Some parents see it as inappropriate at a young age and perhaps even scary to the point that it will scare them away from Islam altogether, whereas others would see it as something that children should become aware of from a young age as it is part of our religion and therefore should not be censored.

Consider yours and their dads opinion on the matter, what the potential consequences might be and how you may deal with any possible negative consequences should they occur and if it is worth the risk of there is any chance of a negative response.

If you chose to expose them to it, educate them in the process and why it is done before hand so they are not shocked when they attend. You can also ask the oldest 2 how they feel about going and take this into account in your decision making also.

May Allah reward you for teaching your children about the deen and to help them learn and love Islam. May Allah guide you and them on the straight path according to Allah’s way.


Q:

How to make children feel the joy of Eid in light of the current restrictions of corona virus pandemic? 

A:

As-salamu alaikum wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh,

This year has been a challenge for all, and as Muslims this challenge has been particularly heightened around the time of Eid as it has restricted our ability to celebrate in the same way as usual which naturally brings about concerns regarding making it a fun occasion as it should be for our children.

It is difficult, but there are many ways that fun can still be had in Eid. To a large extent much of the customs can still be carried out, although, given the travel and social contact restrictions you may do more than you might usually.

For example, decorate your house for Eid and let them be involved in designing and making some decorations themselves and be involved in deciding where they will go.

Perhaps on a usual Eid they may be less involved in these tasks and more focused on socializing with their friends, so this helps to maintain their interest in fun activities where some other activities may need to have been reduced or taken away altogether.

You might take the same approach with the food. Let them pick what treat they would like and make them and allow them to make them, again getting the involved will keep the fun flowing in things that they have a keen interest to be involved in.

Perhaps in any other Eid they would have been involved in fun activities following Eid prayer. This doesn’t have to be lost.

You can emulate the same in the home. For example, you might get some small treats and toys that you could hide around the house and do a treasure hunt as well as other common party games that might be done in the masjid usually. You can even ask them which kinds of games they like to play and facilitate the same for them

If the restrictions in your country allow, you might invite a small number of their friends, perhaps from a single family to join them for some time if you feel comfortable to do so.

Alternatively, you could organise to have video calls with their friends and family. This way you all will be able to maintain the same ties that you usually would on Eid.

May Allah reward all your efforts to make Eid an enjoyable time for your children at this difficult time. May He bless you all with a happy and fun filled day.

Thursday, Jul. 23, 2020 | 09:00 - 10:00 GMT

Session is over.
DISCLAIMER
Views expressed by hosts/guests on this program (live dialogue, Facebook sessions, etc.) are their own and their appearance on the program does not imply an endorsement of them or any entity they represent.