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Ask About Parenting (Live Session)

Aisha Mohammad
09 January, 2017

Salam ‘Alaykum Dear brothers and sisters,

 

We would like to thank you for joining us in this Counseling Live Session.

We would like also to thank our counselor, sister Aisha Mohamed Swan, for answering the questions.

Please scroll down to read the answers of the questions below.

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Feel free to contact us and send your questions any time to:

[email protected] 

Thursday, Jan. 12, 2017 | 08:00 - 10:00 GMT

Session is over.
DISCLAIMER
Views expressed by hosts/guests on this program (live dialogue, Facebook sessions, etc.) are their own and their appearance on the program does not imply an endorsement of them or any entity they represent.  

My four year old bullies all the kids in his preschool. The teachers try a lot in redirecting his behavior but he continually hits the other children and gets up in their faces. We give him time outs for bad behavior out the house, and we don't allow him to watch too much t.v. in effort to quell the aggression. What else can we do to get him to stop hitting other children in his preschool? 



As salamu alaykum sister,

 

Bullying is a common problem and affects many children. As your child is a bully, and he is young, it is now a good time to “nip it in the bud”. While you did not state if the bullying behavior occurs only at school, please do keep a journal and notate when the bullying occurs and under what conditions. Also, you may want to see if he has ever been bullied by anyone as sometimes bullying can be a learned behavior.
Children at this age often bully when they are anxious, or if if the home environment is bossy or over-controlling (they then replicate the behavior), or if they are feeling a sense of low self esteem. In order to combat his need to bully, try to re-enforce his positive qualities, tell him you love him often, yet teach him about consequences if he does bully. As you mentioned you use time out at home for his bad behaviors at school yet that has not worked, try a different approach. For instance, if he hit his school mate for not giving him a truck, make sure you talk to him about how it must feel to be hit. Try to create a sense of empathy in you child so that he will be less prone to bully others.

 

Follow up the next day by having your child apologize to the child he hit and have him promise he will not hit again. Additionally, give your child an outlet to express his frustration. Perhaps a signal he can give his teacher when he is feeling upset or angry such as a word clue or if he is comfortable telling her he is upset or angry before a situation occurs.

 

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Try a stress ball. Give your child a squeeze ball and tell him that when he feels upset or feels like hitting to squeeze the ball instead. Tell him you will be looking forward to reports from his teacher that his is not hitting others but rather squeezing the ball instead and reward him for his positive behavior. Always follow up however and ask him what made him upset and provide support and help him work through his feelings. There are many tips and creative advice for children who bully, please see reference (1).
Hopefully this is just a phase your son is going through but with perseverance, providing alternate means of expressing frustration as well as creating empathy for others, your son will leave the bullying behaviors and return to the compassionate, kind little boy you raised. Hang in there, you are in our prayers, please let us know how he is doing.

 

1-http://www.ahaparenting.com/ask-the-doctor-1/4-year-old-is-a-bully-help

My husband and I have a couple friend who has two children ages 5 (boy ) and 3 (girl). We have a 4 year old son and a 2 year old girl. we get together quite often.  And we have similar interests etc... The mom is literally one of my best friends. However I am finding myself in uncomfortable situations when they are over due to how their children are. The 5 year old son is like a tornado in my house and my son turns into a tornado around him as well. He becomes more violent, he plays more rough and it is usually extremely loud in the house when they are over. The girl is a bit easier to control but she has similar issues.We get together with other parents as well, sometimes there is even more kids in the house but the situation is never like with this family.I do not know what to do. I really want to have my friends over, but I am finding myself limiting the interactions when they kids are around to max once a week because of these problems. 



 As-salamu alaykum dear sister,

 

I am sorry your having such a hard time when your children get together to play with your friend’s children. At this age, often two rambunctious children who otherwise are rather calm can feed into each others energy and turn the house into a running zone! You are not alone in this, it is quite common.

 

I would kindly suggest that you sit down with your friend and instead of stating her son is causing chaos in the home when he comes to play, ask her for advice on how to calm your son when they come over. While it is not your son who is the energetic one but rather hers, if you frame it in this way she may state her son is rambunctious as well and she may not know how to deal with it either!

 

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At this point perhaps the two of you can come up with a plan to make the play-dates more calmer by setting boundaries and rules which you both can go over with the boys. Additionally, by setting limits on behaviors, you can re-enforce their positive play with praise, toys or extra treats.

 

At this age children are still learning social skills, learning how to navigate in social interactions as well as looking (unconsciously maybe) to adults for guidance and direction regarding their play behaviors. As both boys are still young, they should not be let free to just rampage through the house but rather limits should be set and expectations as well as consequences (both positive and negative). This can be done by both you and the child’s mom.
As every child is different in regards to levels of aggression and play style, it could be that your son is energized by this child’s style of play and that is why you see a difference when he is playing with other children. This too is normal behavior as children often feed off of or model behaviors they see.

 

As his mom is a dear friend, I am sure if you approach her in the manner described above, it will become a joint project for the two of you to work on insha’Allah to balance out the play energy in your home when they are over.

 

We wish you the best, let us know how it works out!

My son (2 years 6 months) often bites his finger nails and the skins around them. They sometimes get the the point of bleeding, and his finger nails are starting to get deformed. We have tried stop it (the yuck tasting nail polish) but it had no effect. He didn't seem to care. We have put plasters on them, but he just rips them off. Any advice on how to combat this? 



As salamu alaykum,

 

Shokran for writing in to our live session. While some nail biting is normal in children, it appears your son has taken it to extremes and it is to the point of harming himself, even if just slightly. Often times, excessive nailbiting can be the result of attention deficit disorder, anxiety disorder or it may be just a habit your child has gotten into to sooth himself. The Baby Center (1) states it is commonly a “nervous” habit that children engage in and it is often done unconsciously. However when access is denied (such as putting socks on the hands or plaster, nasty tasting nail polish) the child will find a way around it as you have seen. In cases such as your son’s, I would kindly suggest sister that you consult with your child’s pediatrician about his condition. I would inquire about his general health to ensure there are no underlying medical conditions which is causing this (which I am sure insha’Allah there are not), however it is always best to rule out any underlying causes.

 

I would kindly suggest that you keep an eyes on your son and keep a journal on when he bites his nails, are there any events which precede his nail biting as well as his general emotional state before, during and after the nail biting. Also notating the number of times a day this occurs. This information will be helpful for the doctor in recommending a treatment or referral.

 

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Insha’Allah, by keeping a journal for a few weeks, you will also begin to find the root problem of his possible anxious behavior. For example, if his name biting increases when there is tension in the home-that could be a possible cause. If it increases when he is about to get ready to go to a babysitters home, I would investigate this. While these are just example scenario’s, please do insha’Allah check out anything that correlates with his nail biting.

 

Additionally, after you have kept a journal for a few weeks and ruled out any environmental factors, you can help him curb his nail biting by diverting his attention to another activity which involves his hands when he begins to bite his nails. Do not keep telling him to stop as this will only increase his anxiety and the nail-biting but rather praise him when he switches from nail biting to an activity which you present to him. Persistence will be the key sister.

 

Insha’Allah sister this is just a passing phase that he will outgrow, but please do consult with his pediatrician. You are in our prayers, we wish you the best.

 

1-http://www.babycenter.com/0_nail-biting-why-it-happens-and-what-to-do-about-it_66590.bc

When ever my 6 years old girl doesn't listen to me, I hit her badly. I hate doing it. I feel regret. I am a bad mother. how can I stop hitting my daughter? really I can’t control my temper. Do I need a professional help. 



As salamu alaykum sister,

Shokran for writing in to our live session. While I can understand your frustration at times when dealing with your daughter there is no excuse for hitting your daughter and taking your anger and rage out on her. In fact, depending on what country you live in, you could lose your child or go to jail. Abusing anyone, especially a child is a serious offense not only in society in general but Islamically as well. You are being an oppressor and aggressor of your child and this is a grave sin, and will be held accountable to Allah sister for the abusive treatment of your daughter. Allah SWT has given us children as gifts, we are the trustee’s of beautiful little children who by the mercy of Allah we conceived and gave birth to. This behavior has to stop immediately.
While I do not know how long this has been going on, I am sure your daughter has suffered some type of psychological damage because of it. I would kindly suggest getting her into counseling with a child therapist as well as getting yourself engaged in therapy for your own issues which has led to anger, rage and uncontrollable violent towards your daughter. In the meantime, if you feel you cannot refrain from hurting your daughter, please do let a family member keep her while you get help for your issues.

 

Sister, often times parents who abuse their children were victims of abuse themselves as children. If no help was given, children who are victims, and later survivors of childhood abuse often grow up have children of their own and do the same thing to their children. It is a sad, vicious cycle. Whatever your case may be, I beg you sister to seek the help you need to save not only your daughter from a life of anguish but yourself as well. As you expressed great regret and remorse I know you love your daughter very much and your inability to control your actions must cause you much anguish.

 

There are a lot of organizations which can help you sister. Ask your family physician for a referral to a therapist or look for one online who has a high recommendation rate. Recently, there is a lot of work being done in the area of Alternatives for Families-Cognitive behavioral Therapy (1). The model has a high success rate sister and according to the model it is beneficial stating that “AF-CBT pulls together many techniques currently used by practitioners, such as behavior and anger management, affect regulation, problem-solving, social skills training, cognitive restructuring, and communication”. By utilizing these many techniques for treatment which is basically intertwined in cases of abuse, the family has a higher chance of successfully recovering from a dysfunctional home life, and becoming one of trust, loving interactions and freedom from violence and fear. If you so chose to do so insha’Allah, ask if this type of therapy is available. If not please do seek out a therapist who is experienced in abuse and domestic violence as well as CBT.

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Lastly dear sister, please do seek Allah’s forgiveness and repent for abusing your precious daughter. Make duaa that Allah grant you mercy, forgiveness and helps you to stop this horrific behavior. Please engage yourself at the Masjid for prayer and Islamic events and if you have not already, seek out the support of a parent group there. You need not tell your personal issues right away, but do indicate that you are in need of support and are there to learn coping skills, Islamic guidance.

 

Insha’Allah sister, if you have family members and/or friends who can be supportive, reach out to them for help. While I am not sure if you are raising your daughter alone or not, a good support system is needed. Speak with a trusted imam for Islamic guidance as well and please do schedule your counseling appointment as soon as possible. Insha’Allah, remember if you cannot refrain from harming your daughter, give her to a family member or call crisis services for help. I am not sure where you live but for the USA Crisis services/Parent/child Helpline is 1-800-4ACHILD.
Sister, you are in our prayers, please seek the help you need. Let us know how you and your daughter are doing.

1-https://www.childwelfare.gov/pubPDFs/cognitive.pdf
2-https://www.childhelp.org/hotline/

I hit my daughter, I'm a bad mother - About Islam I hit my daughter, I'm a bad mother - About IslamI hit my daughter, I'm a bad mother - About Islam

Please help me, my teenage daughter -16 years old- just told me that she is no longer a virgin! She was dating a boy -17 years old- for a month.I really didn't know what to say but I can tell you I was heartbroken.  What I have done , what my faults  I try to make her a good practicing Muslimah but she never responded , I thought she may be need sometimes to wear her hijab, to keep her prayers in time but never ever think about losing her virginity in this age. 



As salamu alaykum,

 

Shokran for writing in with your most important concern. I can imagine you are heartbroken dear sister, but all is not lost. As you know Allah SWT is most merciful and forgiving. I am sure you did all you could as a loving Islamic mother however at this age young adults often do what they please regardless of their upbringing or possible consequences. Often times young adults often try to uphold Islamic values however the sexual urges become too strong for them to contain. If not redirected into other activities to keep their minds busy, or if their relationship with Allah and Islamic principles are not strong, they often chose to ignore their Islamic upbringing and lose all values and morals associated with Islam.

 

It seems that your daughter has gotten off the right path quite some time ago if she has not been keeping her prayers and not following Islamic guidelines such as not being alone with boys. However dear sister, the good thing is that she feels close enough to you to tell you that she is no longer a virgin. I would kindly suggest that you take this opportunity to pull her closer to you in an effort to not only improve your communication and relationship with her but to guide her back upon the path of Islam. This is a critical point in time sister which can affect which way she will turn. She can either repent to Allah for her behaviors and draw closer to Him or she can continue down this path of haram behaviors. The approach you take is very important right now. I would kindly suggest that you have a heart to heart talk with her, just the two of you perhaps over lunch or tea. Try not to be accusatory and punitive although it may be hard, as this will only push her away.
You may want to discuss with her insha’Allah your feelings when you were her age and how you handled sexual attraction and avoided haram behaviors. Explain the benefits of refraining from sexual behaviors based on self respect, self love and waiting for a future husband. Once she understands the value of “self” as a young woman, please do remind her of her value as a young Muslim woman as well as her Islamic duties, principles, obligations and accountability to Allah SWT. Sister, if she is open to discussing her behaviors in terms of Islamic guidelines and laws, please do discuss with her the seriousness of this sin in the “sight” of Allah and what is discussed in the Qur’an (1)

“And do not approach unlawful sexual intercourse. Indeed, it is ever an immorality and is evil as a way” (Quran 17:32)

as well as the benefits of staying chaste such as pleasing Allah, not sinning, valuing the worth of her body, not giving herself away to one who is not deserving, prevention of disease as well as prevention of pregnancy. Insha”Allah try to instill in her a sense of sacredness for her body and self as well as the real presence of Allah in her life so that insha’Allah she will be able to resist temptation.

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While most young adults do love Allah, it is often too easy to fall into these types of sin as the sexual drive is so strong. This may also be the time sister to start talking about marriage. If she feels she is mature enough for sexual relationships, then she should be prepared to consider marriage in the near future insha’Allah. In fact marriage is recommended to young adults who feel they cannot refrain from sexual sins such as intercourse. However, in this day and age and depending on which country you live in, some parents are not comfortable in encouraging their children to take this route.

 

Perhaps you can discuss alternative activities to her to subdue or divert her passion such as taking up a hobby, engaging in a sport or focusing more on her future and career aspirations. While these suggestions are meant to help divert her needs, they are real needs sister and will not totally go away. I would kindly suggest that you encourage her to start keeping her prayers, to start attending the Masjid, and encourage her to make friends with young sisters who are serious about being successful in this life and the hereafter. While these things may not happen over night, by planting these seeds of love, insha’Allah they will grow inside of her.

 

While your daughter did not always wear hijab or pray regularly, deep in her heart she loves Allah very much insha’Allah, she just may not have become aware of His great love for her. Often times, youth have to go through a major crisis or life changing event in order to realize that Allah loves us so much that He has created rules and guidelines for us to live by so that we will be able to live in a safe and moral manner conducive to humankind. Insha’Allah sister your daughter will realize this, and this sad news could be the one thing that changes her course in life and brings her closer to Allah and to you her mother.

 

You are in our prayers, please let us know how you both are doing.