Dear Brothers and Sisters,

Thank you for participating in the session.

Please find the 5 questions to which our counselor provided answers. If you do not find yours here, check out our upcoming session or submit it there again.

Question 1. Extreme jealousy

Salaams, I have been married for 6 years. My husband and I have had the same ongoing issues throughout. He is extremely strict in terms of pardah and covering to a level I find unattainable and unachievable for me. Since getting married he has forced me to wear the niqab which I do. I live with in laws and it is a very busy household, a lot of men cousin brothers, uncles come and if my hijab moves slightly out of place or my neck shows or my chest is not covered entirely with my hijab he will have an outburst, swear at me show a lot of anger, stop talking to me, ruin and spoilt my whole mood and the entire day I am depressed crying. I have tried my absolute best to cover and be as modest as I can, if someone pulls my clothing and a bit of my arm shows through my cardigan he will completely flip out. He is also verbally abusive towards me when he is angry, he swears at me. His gheeeah I feel is way too much for the average person to handle. I am so stuck and I do not wish to stay in this marriage with a husband which is so extreme. I find it so exhausting and unbearable to keep going through this issue.

Salam alaikom wa rahmatullah,

Thank you for turning to us.

I am sorry to hear of your struggle. May Allah make it easy for you.

This is a bit of a complicated issue because there can be a strong subjective element in defining what is strict and what is not. Personal, familiar, and cultural factors can influence what means enough in terms of covering and what not, keeping in mind what Allah commands us in the Quran about hijab. Here is an article about the actual guidelines that are mentioned in our tradition: Hijab Requirements in Islam, 20+ Fatwas About Hijab

For the married couple, the important thing is to be on the same board regarding, or at least be able to find a middle ground and compromise.

I am a counselor and not a scholar, so this opinion is not about commenting on what is permitted, encouraged, discouraged, or prohibited. I believe that Islam as a religion is about ease, not making things hard or unbearable. There is common sense, and intentions also play a huge role in how our actions will be judged by Allah.

And the point is that, with modesty, we please Allah, and He is the one who will hold us accountable. He is going to question our behaviors and manners, and He is also the one who forgives our mistakes.

It is about a balance between the hope and fear of Allah. Yes, it is good to fear Him and try your best to obey his commands. But we also have to see Allah as the Al-Rahman, the Most Merciful, who sees clearly our situation and the way we deal with each other.

So, first sister, I would like to emphasize that your judge, the first and most important one, is Allah. It is He who you need to please. He sees your intention, and I am sure that He knows exactly the amount of effort you put into maintaining your modesty at home.

So, make sure that you try your best to please Him and ask forgiveness from Him if you think that you might have transgressed or had another intention in some particular situation.

The rest is not about you. Your husband also needs to understand that, finally, it is Allah who decides what is wrong and what is not. He is in control, and He is the Judge. Protecting reputation and chastity is one thing, and being extremely jealous, abusive, or dealing with trust issues is another. Check this out: Muslim Men Between Protectiveness & Selfish Jealousy

The question would be, What is his fear in these moments? What causes his anger? Is it anger? Fear? Something else?

The other question would be, did you talk about this before marriage? Did you know that you may have different expectations regarding modesty at home or maybe different levels of tolerance for possible mistakes?

If you did not, you will probably have to talk about it now.

If you live in a busy household and there are many non-mahrams there, it could be understandable if you feel uncomfortable when you have to constantly cover yourself fully at home. Yes, you still need to stick to the required dress code, and this is a sacrifice from your side. May Allah reward your honest efforts in that.

However, he also has to understand that this situation brings some moments when your hijab or slips move, etc., due to housework, etc. He has to also compromise his expectations, be patient with you, and command your efforts according to your intentions.

If he has difficulty to tolerate that you are living close to non-mahrams, he also has the choice to provide you with separate accommodation where you can maintain your distance and not have issues with strict dress codes during your private life.

Also, verbal abuse and ill-treatment are not allowed in Islam, and you, as a wife, have the right to kind and fair treatment.

It is about finding a healthy balance and not using religion to oppress others. No one can force his or her opinion on another. Even in some religious matters, there have always been differences in scholarly opinions, like, for example, whether niqab is mandatory or not. Check this out:Is It Obligatory that Muslim Women Wear Niqab?

And as long as an opinion is valid and sound, you can opt to follow what is best for you, and there should be no blame on him or her regarding it.

So, I kindly ask you to seek support and a means to talk to your husband clearly about his manners and approach to this situation. He cannot abuse you and has to find other ways to address his concerns. Furthermore, if he has any trust issues or problems with self-worth and confidence, he needs to start working on them for his own and his marriage’s sake. He needs to know that this behavior puts you at risk of losing you and destroying the marriage. It should be about tranquility and mutual support.

Is there anyone in the household who notices his outbursts and can support you? If not, you may talk to your family and ask for help from them. Or someone from the local community?

Please do not hesitate and try to draw attention to this situation with firmness and kindness. It is important to ensure your safety both physically and emotionally, so if you think that alone you cannot succeed, involve someone you trust. May Allah help you with that.

Question 2. Religious trauma syndrome

Assalamu Alaiykum,
I feel depressed and angry whenever I read that if we are not grateful to Allah, then He will punish us. From my perspective, I believe Allah has not given me anything good, for instance Allah gave me abusive parents; Allah did not help me to get into top-notch University; Allah did not create me tall and beautiful, and list is infinite. Rather, Allah let abuse on me in all form; Allah tarnished my reputation; Allah never helped me during difficulties and the list is infinite. Recently, I have been looking for answers regarding Allah and Islam, and most of the time, my research shows depressing answers. This research takes so much time, that I notice how it has negatively impacted my academic performance. I wonder if this is the plot of Satan; but Satan is supposed to lead me astray; not helping me to seek Islamic knowledge, right? Also, the extreme and abusive Qur’anic verses make me question and loose hope in Allah. You see, I need a God to help me go through life difficulties, unfortunately I don’t see Allah can ever provide with one. I am lost and lonely to a point I have given up on salah, and distant myself from seeking Islamic knowledge. I feel scared because I was always indoctrinated in the name of Allah to a point that I could not even sleep. These Islamic scholars appear so evil to me, that it seems they are far worse than Satan. I feel like it is pointless working hard, because Allah will surely make me unsuccessful. I hate reading information on Sunnah as they traumatize me. I don’t understand why fanatics of Allah keep saying that Islam made so much improvement, when what I see that Islam is a cage to treat people of minorities like animals. I feel Allah did not give me any freedom to pursue anything good in my life; rather Allah has always foiled my plans. Also, Allah pressurizes to follow Prophet Muhammad (PBUH), indicating that only he has the right make choices and we must follow them, or else we go to hell. I know my stance on Islam is brutal, because Allah is brutal towards me. You see, I hate Allah because his extremity is driving me lunatic and traumatised. It seems like you don’t need Satan to mislead you; you only need Allah to mislead because he constantly mentions whom He pleases/whom He wills.
Could you please provide solutions to above issues outlined? Apologies that this post is lengthy, but I am frustrated. Could you please advise on how I can stop researching on Allah and Islam, because this is important as it has negatively impacted my academic performance. Plus, I have no interest in Allah who is merciless and abusive; by this point I am overwhelmed with excessive Islamic knowledge. If you are not bothered about how Allah and Islam have affected me in your response, I won’t be surprised.

Salam alaikom wa rahmatullah,

Thank you for contacting us and sharing your struggle.

My apologies in advance, as I think I won’t be able to offer solutions to your concern through this platform. I believe that some form of talk therapy or counseling would be more helpful in discussing your views in detail.

You do not state what your overall goal is regarding your faith, although I would be curious to know what it is. You are asking for advice on how to stop researching Islam and Allah, and this makes me think that the answer is very simple: just stop doing it. You have free will, sister, and you have choice. You have a choice to make, as no one forces you to keep looking for Islamic knowledge, I guess.

So, the question arises: What makes you keep looking for answers? What would you like to prove? You state your clear disappointment in Islam, yet it seems to me that you are not content and cannot fully turn away.

What you say about Satan, that he wants you to lead astray, not towards Islamic knowledge, is partly correct. In my opinion, one of the weapons of Satan is to cause you doubts, so if seeking knowledge leads you to doubt your faith, you can suspect that is just another trick of Satan. But I think, dear sister, that your main issue roots somewhere else.

You know, in psychology, there is a lot of emphasis on the perception and interpretation of events and facts. These subjective perceptions and interpretations form our realities. Why am I telling you this? Because maybe you have arrived at the conclusions you mentioned about gratitude, about Allah (STW), and about the Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, but there are many people, including myself, who do not agree with you and have the opposite experience.

For example, I am certain that gratitude improves well-being, and there are studies that prove my point. I also believe that approaching trials and tribulations as lessons to learn and test actually helps us to cope with them, and this eventually leads again to well-being. And the list could go on and on. 

So how come you have this “filter” in your eyes and see religion with so much negativity? What past life events and actual emotional and mood states can cause you to have this approach? You say that you are lost, you give up on salah, and you feel pointless to work hard as there is no hope for success. I am not trying to invalidate your experience, as I know that, unfortunately, there are communities and families that use religion to oppress and abuse the rights of others. Growing up like this can lead to blaming the means and not the source of your struggle, which is wrong human conduct.

Sister, I am very sorry to hear your disappointment and pain through these lines. May Allah forgive you for the things you say. I pray for you to find contentment in life and in your outlook.

I cannot set up a diagnosis here, but according to these lines, I suspect the presence of some mental health condition, especially one related to mood disorders like depression.

Depression does alter our perception of everything—even religion seems exactly how you describe it: hopeless, brutal, pointless, etc. So, I kindly ask you to seek a professional assessment and a checkup for a possible mental illness and start treatment as soon as possible.

This is a crucial first step in order to see things better with more optimism. I understand that in this state, it seems easier to blame religion for all your frustration and disappointment, but believe me, taking responsibility and taking action for your well-being will make a difference.

So, I kindly ask you to put aside your reluctance and seek help from the right place. Spirituality is a great source of help, but if your problems arise from another level, namely psychological, environmental (from your family and surroundings), or even biological (as depression, for example, can have biological causes), they have to be addressed there first. Even if it manifests in your relationship with Allah and you perceive it merely as an issue of religion or faith. We humans are complex beings, and yes, our mind, thinking, and even our faith can be altered by illnesses.

If you undergo treatment, you may find out during counseling that your upbringing and early experiences, which are also related to the way you were taught about religion, can be related to the formation of your mental health condition. These can be traumatic events as well. But with a successful intervention, you may be able to see these experiences from a different perspective and find a more adaptive approach that does not interfere negatively with your life. You may even be able to find comfort in religion, in faith, and as a source of strength and contentment, like many other people do.

So, with this being said, again, I kindly ask you to seek counseling and get a clinical assessment.

May Allah help you with that, and may Allah heal you and give you strength.

Question 3. Depressed over Wife

Assalamualaikum.
We are married for 8 years now and have 2 beautiful children. I am currently on the verge of breakdown and depression with the behavior of my wife. She has always been a difficult personality overall. I got along with it as I knew her even before our marriage and was sure about getting along with it well. Difficult in the sense she gets angry very easily and the anger just shoots up to turn into rage, has a bit of paranoid way of thinking where she takes out really ugly meaning out of menial and normal things – like if I’m reciting the dua of travel after entering the car she thinks I’m mumbling curses at her, If I hug her passionately, she thinks I’m trying to check her whether she’s in her menses etc. That in not an issue, these things get balanced with her good qualities and I can live normally without a second thought over it.
But what has rocked our relationship lately is the consistent fights which arise out of no actual reason. This has increased since almost 3 years. And I have carefully assessed the pattern over the last 10-12 months. She becomes a totally different person a couple of weeks before her periods. She is constantly in search of reasons to pick up conflicts. For example, if I had my usual outing with friends which we do about once a month, around that point of time, it’ll turn into a conflict. Or if I don’t give her any reason then it’ll just be enough if she isn’t finding something at home or had an unpleasant event at work, she’ll just come home and start talking to me in utter disrespectful way and taunts and things to make me feel miserable and how inefficient I am. Her way of communication turns into disrespect and disgust. Initially I agitated and fought over it directly, then I started politely requesting her to not to scold me or talk to me in such a way. But she comes back at me more fiercely. If I am not at home, away due to work etc, then my kids will face her wrath.
After being exhausted trying to communicate this issue with her and her incompliance, I lately resorted to curse her. Each time she unnecessarily snaps at me I just uttered may Allah mend her tongue and punish her for the hurt she’s causing with her tongue. This blew up the situation to even worse.
Even tough, I resorted to cursing in state of helplessness, it had made the matter even worse. When I cursed her, she denied me of physical intimacy, abused my parents (we live separately since our marriage) and even physically abused me multiple times in her rage, even though I control myself and didn’t hit her back.
I even registered myself with a psychologist to help me out. They told me either I decide for myself to just part ways – which is not an option for me, we have 2 wonderful kids who don’t deserve to lose out on any of their parent. Or train myself to cope up with her behavior.
I have tried not reacting to her conflict picking, and when she aggravated, I politely told her to please talk to me softly. I dodged her attacks again and again till she pressed the wrong button and I reacted dramatically breaking into tears and screaming at her why is she tormenting me. To this she holds me responsible that I am the dramatizer and I created a scene in front of the kids. She completely ignores the times I had tolerated her triggers.
So, I have come to a conclusion that my wife suffers from PMDD – Premenstrual dysphoric disorder. I’m sorry I don’t intend to certify my wife as a psycho, nor do I want to polarize the issue by instigating feministic sentiments.
All the symptoms for this condition match with what she has – she turns into a complete another person, she has rage, she feels tired and exhausted and low on energy and moreover just as her period starts she suddenly starts feeling happy or normal again.
The need for me coming to this platform is to know how do I communicate this to my wife and how can I find help. The most frustrating part of the fight is – she blocks me out of each and every communication channel after our fight. Phones, messages, mails etc. I’m blocked overall. And in person she doesn’t wants to talk about it anymore. She avoids any conversation about the fights, leave out confrontation. And the same thing repeats after exactly 4 weeks again.
I’m really frustrated about her barring all forms of communication with me. If we can’t communicate then how can we improve?
If she is so upset and reacting with snatching me of intimacy because I cursed her, then how can she cope up with the hadith that says a wife will be cursed by the angels if she makes her husband upset till they make up to each other? She is not just upsetting me but pushing me in depression over and over again.
I would be very grateful if you could help me with advice in accordance with Islam and help me save this relationship.
I see that a divorce is an easy way out of this harassment, but I want to hang on for the sake of our good times and for our kids, and I’m afraid of the day where her torture outweighs the good part and I get convinced about divorcing her.

Salam alaikom wa rahmatullah,

Thank you for contacting us and sharing your struggle. I appreciate your willingness to fix this marriage and approach things with a focus on the positive things that join and unite us as a couple.

You mention that one psychologist gave two options, and I would like to comment on the second one and suggest a third one. He said that your second option is to learn to cope with her behavior, and I have to agree with this to some extent.

Yes, marriage is about learning to deal with each other by accepting each other despite our differences. But for us, Muslims, full acceptance cannot work without conditions. We are not required to accept what Allah doesn’t accept, and we are required to tolerate what Allah does not do. In the Islamic understanding, we operate as a system, and the emphasis is on the adjustment of the whole system in order to get a better functioning one.

In the context of marriage, it means learning about each other’s needs and how to communicate those to each other. We equally deserve respect for our rights and make efforts to fulfill our duties towards our spouses.

In light of this, there is a third option, in my opinion, and it is couple therapy. I think constant fights are not really good on the long run for a couple, so if the goal is to have a long-term and happy marriage, the couple together should look into the root cause of these fights and see how to find other ways to communicate with each other on a day-to-day level.

You say that you have observed that her mood swings are regularly and strongly related to her periods. Of course, neither I nor you can diagnose her without a proper assessment. So, I am not sure what actually happens to her, but yes, hormonal changes might be one explanation.

At the same time, she is not here, and I do not know how she perceives these fights or the reasons behind her anger and frustrations.

That is why it would be very helpful to seek a marriage counselor, talk to each other, and learn each other’s perspectives and motives with the help of a neutral third party who could guide this conversation.

The goal would be to: 1. express that you are not comfortable with these fights and that they affect your love for her; 2. find the reasons for these fights. 3. Find alternative, more adaptive ways to deal with the possible problems. 4. Improve overall communication and the expression of love for each other.

With this being said, I kindly advise encouraging her to seek counseling together. It is for the sake of you two. She has to know that you have the right to live in peace and harmony, and both of you need to treat each other with kindness. If something prevents kind behavior, it needs to be treated and improved, for the sake of Allah and the relationship.

If you choose counseling together, it is also a good way to find out whether there are any issues on the individual level with any of you that need treatment and adjustment. I mean things like, for example, anger or emotional management, possible mental health or health issues, etc.

Regarding what you mention about cursing and about fighting back, I believe that it is neither the Islamic nor the effective way to deal with your conflicts. And it seems to me that you have already experienced that this approach just makes things worse.

Cursing is a prohibited act in Islam.

“When a person curses somebody or something, the curse goes up to heaven and the gates of heaven get closed. Then it comes down to the earth and its gates get closed. Then it turns right and left, and if it does not find an entrance to go anywhere, it returns to the person or thing that was cursed; if he or it deserves to be cursed; otherwise, it returns to the person who uttered it.” Riyad as-Salihin 1556

What is better is to actually advise someone, or make dua for her, and ask Allah to help her overcome her struggles.

So, I advise you to stay away from cursing and make dua for your wife instead.

Ask Allah to help her control her temper, and ask Allah to help you maintain your control. We need to take responsibility for our behavior. If you respond to a wrong behavior with another wrong one, it won’t make the situation better; you will also be held accountable for them.

It is somehow similar to the advice about learning to cope with her behavior, but it goes beyond that. What you can control is how you respond in a conflict, and as a Muslim, it means not just for your own sake but for Allah’s too.

So, it is better for you if you try not to get involved in the fights and try your best to distance yourself from them, especially if you think that you are not the one who initiates them. You can clearly express your willingness not to enter into arguments and prefer to wait until things calm down. You are right that communication is very important. It can be the source of success in resolving marital issues.

When you talk to her, try to appreciate her, assure her of your love and trust in this marriage, but also express that you think there are better ways to deal with each other and that you are supportive and willing to take action. If she blocks communication, try to ask her how you can help her open up about her struggles. Also, be willing to apologize for your own shortcomings and for cursing her, and openly show responsibility for your actions.

May Allah help you with that.

Question 4. Second wife?

Assalamualaikum,

I am 20 years old, my family is not that much on deen and I am scared for my upcoming marriage. My family is not even thinking of my marriage till 25 years old and I am a single mother’s daughter struggling with a lot.

My Q is – I knew a man who used to be my teacher when I was in my O levels, that’s how I know him, after maybe 5 years, when I came back from umrah in this year, he came to me with a proposal. The man is into deen and has great ikhlaaq, he is into social gatherings too and helps a lot of people too as I know it for he helped me in my deen and knowledge too.

I’m 20 and he’s 35. I’ve never even thought of this before because he was already married.

The thing is my family would never want me to be a second wife especially when I am living in Europe, also I came to Europe after the proposal so it has clearly nothing to do with the residence greedy and all.

I told him about my wali, that my father is not present but my maternal uncle is the one who finances me, he will never allow me to marry this man as I know that because my mother won’t even compromise on age gap and above all the second marriage.

I really want to marry him even as a second wife because he came to me after I prayed for Jannati spouse and family and esp right after my umrah. I feel like out of all the young bachelors available and me being young, this union can heal me as the love of a father too bcz I missed that part and because he came with a proposal by his own too …

My family would want me to marry a status in materialism man and money being too important. On the basis of non-deen framework.

While the man can be a blessing for me and for my future too, because for me no big house or big cars or like a lot of money would matter.

He must have enough to provide when he is going for second marriage with the permission of ulimah.

Q – Can I marry him without my wali (maternal uncle) and then later introduce him to my family and re do the process of how it should have been done, if they do not allow and resist while I will be already married???

Then I will have to face family emotional blackmail and they might leave me.

My heart is not at ease at all with this idea and whether it seems so beautiful to me I feel like trusting Allah for the upcoming and not do this, but then at the same time I think that this may be a really good blessing too that may be I am leave for better ???

I don’t know what to do please guide.

Salam alaikom wa rahamtullah, dear sister,

Thank you for contacting us.

I am sorry to hear of your struggle regarding your marital plans. Some of the things you mention should not be obstacles, Islamically speaking, to your marriage, while there are other points that do so. Furthermore, it is always wise to think carefully about the possible challenges, pros, and cons of a given situation in order to find the best solution.

Let me help you with this by unpacking your concern.

So, firstly, according to our tradition, there is nothing that says that you should wait until you are 25 years old to get married. You are a young adult, fully responsible for your actions at the age of 20, and technically speaking, ready to get married and form a family.

Some people may not think of marriage at this age, while others do. If you feel ready, you should count on the support of your family. Families should be aware of the fact that delaying their children’s marriage for unjustified reasons can haunt them into unlawful relationships and sin.

Secondly, when you consider a spouse, as you rightly say, deen and a good, pious character are better in the sight of Allah than marrying purely for status or wealth. Of course, the husband has to be ready to take responsibility for your maintenance. You have the right to make sure that you are going to be safe in this sense; there is nothing wrong with that. Also, your family can advise you accordingly, keeping in mind the priority of righteousness over wealth.

Secondly, as far as I know, in our tradition, there is no minimum or maximum age gap prescribed for wife and husband. More important is the compatibility, mutual love, and interest of the spouses, and if you see, for example, the seerah of our Prophet, peace be upon him, you can see that he had wives with different age gaps, sometimes even the wife being older (Khadija, RA).

You said an interesting thing: “this union can heal me as the love of a father too bcz I missed that part.”

I do not want to comment on this more in depth, as it would be better to talk about it with a counselor. Yes, it can be that your attraction to an older man has some sort of connection with what you mention. Here the question arises: whether these feelings are adaptive and within “normality” or not. If you think that there are some wounds to heal regarding a father figure, I kindly recommend taking a couple of sessions before marriage until you come to terms with them and avoid some form of transference of roles and feelings to your spouse.

So, with this being said, I believe that it is okay that you feel ready and wish not to wait 5 years more, and that your first priority is not materialistic gain but to grow together in religion and get closer to Allah together. It is also okay to marry an older person with a bigger age gap.

Thirdly, it is common that parents do not want their young daughters to be second wives. Being a second wife is a valid option in Islam. In Western countries, however, there could be legal obstacles not only in the registration of marriage but of the children too. That is why there are some opinions that advise against it in non-Muslim-majority countries. Here, you can read more about this: Having a Second Wife in Western Countries

Sister, as a counselor, my advice regarding this is to consider the possible challenges of being a second wife. I think the best thing you can do is listen to opinions, do your research, and talk to women who chose to be ones. What are their experiences? What are the main challenges, and how did they overcome them? Are there any advantages to comparing it to being a single or first wife? What is the concern of your mother regarding this? How do you respond to it?

You will need to reflect on these views, putting aside your desire for this marriage for a moment, and think about whether you are ready to take this step and deal with polygamy or not. I believe that it is something personal and subjective, regardless of the clear permissibility of it in our religion. A struggle for some, while an ease for other sisters. What matters is that you try your best to set realistic expectations and measure your readiness for them.

Fourthly, you are asking about whether you can marry in secret without the consent of your uncle and mother. Here, my answer is no: according to this fatwa answer, a nikkah is not valid without the consent of the bride’s wali. Check this here: Can a Woman Marry Without a Wali? If your father is absent, a male family member has to fulfill this role. In your case, it is your uncle.

The only exception to not having the consent of your family is if they are clearly rejecting your marriage for unislamic reasons. In this case, you have to find a wali—for example, an imam—who can stand up for your Islamic rights for the nikkah. Read more here: Parents Refuse My Choice of Wife: What Should I Do? My Parents Refuse the Person I Love: What Should I Do? So, with this being said, I kindly advise you to think about the above-mentioned points, and if you think that you are ready to marry him, approach your family and try to convince them, especially about their concerns that are not relevant to our religion. He may also approach your uncle and try to convey his real interest and readiness to take care of you. You may seek the help of a third, trustworthy person who can advise them accordingly.

You can also pray istikhara and make a lot of dua to Allah to show you the right thing to do.

May Allah make it easy for you.

Question 5. Addiction

Assalamualaikum warahmatullah wabarkatuh.I have been suffering badly from porn addiction for about four years now. It all begun when I was sixteen after junior high school when we  finished our final examination, I stayed indoors almost throughout the day because I didn’t like crowdy places. I started having this bad thoughts filling my mind until I became so vulnerable and ended up falling prey to watching pornography and that has been part of me since then.I have tried realy hard to quit but to no avail. Recently I fought it so hard by not using a smart phone for over two months in other to quit, but lost again just a few days ago after I repaired it for use for something important. I need my smart phone to do a lot of things yet I keep falling prey. I really need help.

Salam alaikom wa rahmatullah,

Thank you for turning to us.

Unfortunately, porn addiction is one of the most harmful and difficult ones, and sometimes it requires professional help and addiction counseling.

When we are talking about addiction, general advice on changing habits may not be enough, as you need to explore and treat the reasons behind your addictive behavior. Childhood trauma, abuse, neglectful parenting, mental health issues, among others can be behind too.

As you write, it started when you started to prefer stay at home and not being around with others, and having bad thoughts. Then it became the part of your life and you were unable to quite despite several attempts.

I am not sure what might happen to you, what made you feel to avoid people, having bad thoughts and stay away at home. But it would be good to see what the root is, whether it is a past situation or still ongoing, like for example a mental health issue, and set up a treatment plan accordingly.

Please check out a local or online addiction counselor, preferably a Muslim one. 

Here are some articles on our site that might help: She Was Sexually Harrassed, Now Addicted to Masturbation, Anxiety, Panic & Guilt of Masturbation, I’m a Porn Addict Due to Depression: Please Help Me! Struggling with Masturbation Addiction and Overthinking About My Sins

Try to turn the information and knowledge into action and change of behavior. If you think you need professional help, please seek local or online counseling related to addiction.

Be sure, that there is nothing shameful in asking for help, as addiction is a disorder, and illness and needs proper treatment. May Allah make it easy for you!