Keeping It Real

Yes, I realize that bad and toxic friendships exist. And I know there are so-called “friends” who actually psychologically and emotionally abuse others.

But if it’s true that 8 out of 10 people have had a “toxic friend” in their lives—and given that so many of us have multiple friendship circles—then in any given friendship, chances are that almost every single one of us is viewed as a toxic friend in somebody’s eyes.

Just look at Zaynab and Nusaybah.

Who’s the toxic friend here?

Close the Self-Help Book and Open Your Eyes

Unfortunately, we’re gradually becoming a “feel sorry for me”, self-proclaimed victim generation.

And while we all need a shoulder to cry on when we’re hurting, it’s a very dangerous path to walk to automatically assume that because you are hurting—or, to use Jen Weigel’s terms “getting more problems than perks” in a relationship—that there is a person to blame for all of this.

And while genuine abuse and “badness” do exist, I have a difficult time believing that 8 out of 10 of us have “toxic” friends in our lives.

What’s more likely, in my view, is that 8 out of 10 of us have difficult, painful, or confusing friendships in our lives.

But there’s no need to point fingers. One or both of you might be going through a difficult time right now. You might be misunderstanding each other. And it’s also possible that you’re the problem.

Or you just aren’t meant to be friends.

So let’s not forget the obvious: just like incompatibility exists in marriage, incompatibility exists in friendships too.

A Lesson from Istikharah: “O Allah if you know this affair to be good for me…”

Whenever I’m offering advice to someone struggling in a difficult marriage or friendship, I avoid the use of labels.

Praying Istikhara - How to Read the Results?

While the terms “abuse” and “bad” are justifiable at times, these terms can cause more harm than good when our goal is to merely identify practical solutions to a complicated problem.

In such instances, these labels are at best distracting, and at worst slanderous.

Thus, what we need to do is simply answer one question:

Is this relationship good for me in this world and in the Hereafter?

If the answer is yes, then you have a marriage or friendship that is good for you. If the answer is no, then you have a marriage or friendship that is bad for you.

But this truth in no way reflects the ultimate good or bad of the person you are with.

Still Stressed? Get a Prenup

Imagine learning that your friend sat opposite someone saying, “She abuses me” or “She’s a bad friend.”

While these accusations might be justified (at least in our heads), they are almost never unequivocally true.

This is because, as any reputable social worker or psychologist will tell you, nearly all labels are subjective.

Thus, labels are generally not intended to indicate a definite, unequivocal reality.

Just look at Zaynab and Nusaybah. Undoubtedly, both of them need to take a step back and be balanced, honest, and fair in evaluating the true source of their problems.

…As we all need to do in our friendships.

But if we can’t avoid using damaging labels to navigate our friendship problems, then next time around, it’s probably best to regress to childhood tactics and ask, “Will you be my friend?”

If our potential friend says yes, then pull out a piece of paper and write down a prenuptial friendship agreement.

It’ll save you both heartache, stress, and psychologist bills later on.

This article is from our archives.