Read Part 1
Different โnormsโ
โYou donโt love me!โ lashes out the wife at the husband.
โWhat?โ โ says the husband. โI have bought you many gifts. I pay the rent and the food. How can you say I do not love you?โ
Tears well up in the wifeโs eyes. โI wish you would whisper nice words to me. I wish you spent more time with me.โ
Reality is subjective. Love, respect, freedom, and responsibility are all universal words, yet they might bear a different meaning to us based on our previous experiences and knowledge.
You match when you can peacefully accept and consider your spouseโs reality. And you donโt feel the need to force your understanding of reality on them.
Different personalities
Peopleโs personalitiesโincluding good Muslimsโdiffer.
Could a practical person plan a future with a spontaneous person? What about an impulsive person with a disciplined one?
Could a reserved, thoughtful person enjoy being with a sociable, fun-loving person? Maybe.
They do say that opposites attract, but statistics report that similarity will bond spouses closer together in the long run.
You match when you can appreciate your spouseโs personality and tolerate their annoying habits.
You are on the same page in regards to core valuesโthose norms, customs, and personality traits that are highly important for your happinessโwhile you find common ground with the rest of your expectations.
Question 3: Have you analyzed your future spouse?
Ok, so you have the butterflies; you are a self-awareness guru, and youโve talked so much about values, norms, and beliefs that your mouth has gotten dry. Bonus: Their personalities donโt drive you crazy.
So, can you get married now?
Letโs hold on just a bit more. For the final stage, get your inner Sherlock out to check if you have Mr. or Mrs. Perfect.
While itโs easy to only see stars during the โhalal datingโ phase, itโs important to see through the haze and ask yourself some guiding questions.
- How does your spouse react when you disagree with his opinion? Dealing with different opinions is the number one skill you need in a marriage.
- What do they do when you need help? This is important for women in particular. Ask him to do something for you and test how reliable he is.
- How do they interact with their parents and siblings? How do their parents interact with each other?
We learn essential skillsโcommunication, problem-solving, attitudes, roles, etc.โfrom the people who are closest to us: our family.
For example, the way your in-laws talk to each other is probably going to be the way your spouse talks to you.
If your father-in-law washes dishes and irons his clothes, chances are high your husband-to-be will oftentimes rescue you from some household chores. (Mind you, if the relationship with their parents is not good, they might act completely opposite!)
Like many non-Muslims, you would miss a lot if you didnโt observe your spouse in their โnatural environment.โ
Ready for marriage!
Letโs summarize:
- Have you gained enough self-knowledge?
- Do the two of you really match?
- Have you thoroughly analyzed your future spouse?
If your answers are YES, then congrats! You are NOW ready for marriage, even if you are โtoo young.โ
The article is from the archives.