Sister Laura shared her take on the challenges of marrying into a family from another country:
“Sometimes there is pressure on the convert to adopt her husband’s culture if he is from a Muslim-majority country and she is not, even though many of those practices are not necessarily Islamic.
She might be told – or she might just feel, after her conversion – that the culture she grew up in is totally negative and un-Islamic and therefore must be abandoned.
Her husband or in-laws might expect her to start doing things the way women do things in their country, even if many things are matters of opinion and habit, not an Islamic obligation.”
Sister Asiya clarifies what she believes really matters:
“Nationality, ethnicity etc., makes no difference. It’s all about his [the husband’s] character and deen.”
What if You’re Already Married Before?
This creates a very difficult scenario, as a Muslim woman is not permitted to be married to a non-Muslim man.
This is rare but does occur, and will obviously put a big strain on the relationship.
You would hope that the woman’s interest in Islam has been shared with her husband so that he too would consider becoming Muslim, and I have seen a couple who both converted and, of course, remained married.
There are cases where the man has converted for technical reasons, and only Allah (SWT) knows if this relationship is accepted.
And other times, the woman may find her love for her husband outweighs her love for Islam, and she either moves away from the deen or stays with him in what is technically a situation disallowed in Islam.
Advice for Female Converts
As female Muslim converts are more likely to marry someone with a different cultural background, what can they do to ensure a smooth marriage?
As well as finding a suitable wali, Sister Sarah has a suggestion:
“Get premarital counseling!…It helps the couple talk about issues that they might not even think of, but that will be crucial later in marriage. It is even more recommended for people who come from different cultural backgrounds.”
Acceptance from both sides is crucial, with Islam being the ultimate guide. A husband doesn’t have to give up his culture completely, nor does the wife.
Sister Laura shared how she came to a balance in this respect:
Personally, it took a while for me to realize I could be an “American Muslim.” I didn’t meet others like me at first, so I felt lost.
I finally realized that I can embrace and practice the many parts of my culture that don’t contradict Islam. I can be myself and be unashamed of that. I can also respect my husband’s culture and raise our kids to appreciate it, but I don’t have to try to be something I’m not.”
Female Muslim converts may have other challenges when it comes to finding a suitable husband compared to born Muslim women.
However, there are a lot of factors playing a part, such as the marital status at the time of conversion, finding a suitable wali, and the attitude of the husband with respect to cultural differences.
When Islam is the most important influencer on these factors – including having an upright wali and finding someone with good character and deen – then achieving a successful marriage for a convert Muslim woman will, insha Allah, be a piece of (wedding) cake!
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This article is from our archive, published on an earlier date and highlighted here for its importance.
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