Converts’ Marriage: Why is It Hard to Find the Good Match?

For many women who choose to convert to Islam, learning how to pray, giving up certain foods, and dressing differently are some of the challenges that Insha’Allah they will find easy to overcome.

Next on the lips of well-meaning advisers is the reminder that marriage is ‘half our deen’ and there is no reason to delay it. But for Muslim female converts, is it that simple? How will she find someone suitable, and if the potential match is not a convert, how will they deal with the cultural differences?

Finding a potential marriage partner

For female converts, finding a potential marriage partner is actually not very difficult. To be frank, a convert Muslim woman will usually appeal to many Muslim men because she is likely to be practicing her deen fully, or they think they can guide her, or for other unreligious reasons (such as positive racism).

On the other hand, there may be opposition from some Muslim men, maybe because their family is distrustful of someone not brought up Muslim, or that they want to marry within their own culture for fear of possible cultural conflicts, or what other people might think.

Sister Asiya, however, wisely pointed out the first real challenge for a female convert is to find a wali (as it is unlikely she has any Muslim male relatives/ guardians) :

“That man has to be as good as the husband you would be seeking, as in he must be of practice and understanding of deen (religion) and of good character, and he should understand he’s not just there to make the marriage, but he’s giving you as an amanah in front of Allah.

It’s also his duty to step in and support if any issues should arise in the marriage. After that, then seeking a husband should be easy, because your wali will take seriously his obligation to find a trustworthy practicing Muslim husband.”

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Best to marry another convert?

Amongst many born Muslims, marrying within your own culture or nationality is a given, and marrying a cousin is not unheard of. But is it the same for converts? Do they choose someone similar to themselves?

Sister Klaudia shared her opinion:

“Personally I do not think that marrying a revert is better than marrying a ‘native’ or vice versa, but rather it is important to find someone who is open-minded.”

Sister Anna* however, thinks female converts should try first to find someone from their own background:

“I believe marriage with someone from the same culture – like two converts from the same country – is much easier to manage than cross-cultural marriages.”

Generally, however, male converts are much less common than females, so the chances are that a female Muslim convert will marry someone who was born Muslim.

Also, many female converts become Muslim after they have got married to a Muslim man, or meet their Muslim husbands-to-be before converting.

Overcoming differences

Sister Anna* and her husband had to overcome certain cultural differences in the early days of their marriage, coming from completely different backgrounds:  “Alhamdulillah, we have a happy marriage and more or less, we manage the cultural differences…especially between a convert raised in the Western, individualistic culture and a born Muslim from a collectivist society.”

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