Polygamous emotions 

Islamic rights aside, however, women must know that the emotional reality of life in polygamy is very different from its theory.

There are some women who go into polygamy thinking that as a second wife, they will automatically be the ‘favorite’ wife, or have some kind of advantage over the first. This is a dangerous mentality to have.

It is terribly unethical and a violation of Islamic principles to marry an already married man with the intention of either causing a divorce, or to become a ‘favorite wife.’ 

It is not permissible for a woman to demand her sister’s divorce so that she may take her place and get married; she cannot have more than what is decreed for her.” -The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) (Al-Bukhaari & Muslim) 

Should a woman choose to enter polygamy, it should be with the intention of abiding ethically within that structure, and without ulterior motives.

Men’s emotions

Women need to know that just as they have emotions, men do too. Just because a man has chosen to marry again does not mean that he does not still love, care for, or feel tied to his first wife.

Despite the emotional ‘high’ experienced in the beginning of the second relationship, reality will set in swiftly. His responsibilities with regards to his first marriage, especially if he has children, will quickly demand his attention, and the second wife will discover that she is not the center of his universe.

Also you should know that work, his other family, and whatever other commitments he has will force him to prioritize his time in a way that a subsequent wife may not find herself ready to deal with if she has not already prepared herself for it. 

Even with mental preparation and cognizance of how a polygamous marriage’s structure is vastly difference from a monogamous relationship, it will inevitably be an emotional challenge to experience.

It is important to know that as a wife – and even (especially!) for the husband – there will be a difficult emotional journey as one goes from the initial euphoria of a new relationship (referred to as NRE, or New Relationship Energy) to the more challenging day-to-day reality of a polygamous marriage.

In some cases, with responsible relationship skills, problem-solving, and healthy emotional coping, a polygamous relationship can be successful. Other times, parties involved may be unable to handle the situation long-term, resulting in the polygamous marriage ending. 

What should a woman do?

A woman who is considering polygamy should try to prepare herself for various enventualities or possibilities, such as a change in the originally agreed-upon structure of the relationship, to potential violations of her rights, to simply realizing that this may not be the best course of action for her after all.

It is wise to prepare oneself to have a way out, just in case – Islamically, this can include the right to khul’ enshrined in the marriage contract, so that it is clear to both the wife and the husband that should the wife choose to leave the marriage, she will not be impeded in doing so.

On a slightly different track, she should also know that, due to the basic nature of polygamy, she cannot afford to make her relationship the main focus of her life; ensuring that one has other sources of positive energy, and outlets for emotional or creative energy, is extremely important to maintain a sense of emotional equilibrium and balance.

Whether it’s work, family, hobbies and passions, or strong friendships, it is necessary to have a focus on aspects of life that have nothing to do with one’s marriage. This applies to monogamy as well, but is even more relevant to polygamy. 

In the end, whether a woman can be or will be happy in polygamy depends on many different factors: 

• her own personality and how she can handle the emotional reality of polygamy
• how her polygamous marriage is structured and how conflict is resolved within it
• how much effort she is willing to invest in an unconventional relationship that will experience challenges both from within and without.
  

Of course, the most important thing to keep in mind – whether the relationship succeeds or not – is to turn to Allah always.

Only by His Mercy and assistance will we ever succeed, in marital matters or otherwise. “Oh you who believe! Seek help with patient perseverance and prayer, for God is with those who patiently persevere.” (Qur’an 2:153)