Seemingly random cycles of growth in marriages can be annoying, but there are keys to personal and marital development.
Marriage has many pieces to fit together. Often times, these puzzle pieces look like they match up. Then suddenly, they don’t.
So, the couple tries something else. Aha! A match! The work is challenging and sometimes causes discomfort, but it is worth the growth.
Wait, does this include polygyny? Can a marriage show increments of positive expansion while tackling polygyny issues?
Here’s a marriage counselor’s strategy on how to resolve nine common challenges within the polygyny puzzle with little or no difficulty.
1. There are men who perform better as husbands and fathers with multiple wives.
Their efforts are extended due to an additional responsibilities, and also, the desire to please Allah and their families.
2. Sisters often state their husbands cannot financially provide for another wife.
Wives, be mindful of a fact. Many of you married your husband with modest means.
You saw other valuable traits within him as a Muslim man. Another woman will also.
3. Men, you should seek the cooperation of your existing wife when pursuing polygyny.
Prior to presenting polygyny, begin the cultivation process. Address the issues she has in the marriage with you.
For example, your wife wants more time with you or disapproves of the way you speak to her. Seek to meet this need. Be the best husband you can be!
If pregnant, support her having a stress-free delivery and to bonding with the baby prior to adding to the family. Pay off any lingering debts you have.
This leads to increased civility when advancing forwards with a polygynous lifestyle.
Do the work to prepare the soil prior to planting the seeds!
4. Wives want to know, “How do I control my emotions with polygyny?” You don’t!! Please stop seeking to control your emotions.
You manage feelings, thoughts, and emotions. The seat of your affections shifts. When one or two emotions show up, soon another feeling or thought will follow.
Explore ways to maintain yourself through emotional transitions or intense events.
But control? It not likely! You’ll have many sensitivities flowing through you, especially during the early stages.
Recollect the polygny challenges the Mothers of the Believers (RAA) had. While you may want to respond with the same dignity as the wives of the Prophet (SAWS), do not forget their impulsive urges, the negative comments, and the jealousy that ensued prior to the intervention of the Prophet.
5. Men, you will miss your wife while with the other wife. This is normal.
Too often, it is believed that the wives are the only ones with mental or emotional transitions. Men do too!
6. Generally, polygyny is best designed for a wife who has a certain level of emotional independence.
For example, after an illness, a hardship, or while grieving the death of a parent, a wife will watch her husband leave to go to his other family.
The benefit of his companionship or closeness would be ideal during such times. However, he has another obligation.
A wife has to have, or will need to develop, something internally to sustain her during these moments. No one tells a woman to build this skill set.
Thus, many end up in polygynous marriages without it.
Many husbands don’t know how to assess an existing wife’s natural personality for the presence of these puzzle pieces! Hence, many couples don’t fit!
7. Wives, after your husband returns from the home of his other wife, you may feel uncomfortable with his touch.
While you may have missed him, your thoughts of the likely intimacy he has shared with another wife can be distressing.
Being aware of this is the first step towards resolution. Your husband wants to feel welcome at home.
Showing disregard for him will put distance between the two of you.
This is not to dismiss how you feel about him, but a reminder to manage it.
8. Husbands, you’ll have to resist submitting to the rise and fall of your wife’s emotions. On the other hand, doing so will cause you to appear insensitive.
Be balanced, consistent, and firm! You have the position of a double-edged sword. As a husband, you are a source of comfort.
As a husband choosing polygyny, you are a source of emotional hardship. It is what it is!
9. Your children are not in polygyny. While a polygynous marriage requires a fair and equal division of time, wealth, education, and generosity, your children are not on a parenting schedule!
Having a daily agenda for multiple wives is necessary.
Yet, parenting is a routine, random, and full of unexpected homework assignments, a need for hugs, school programs, unplanned ER visits, lost shoes, and runny noses!
Sometimes all in one day! These normal occurrences cannot be put on a firm timeline as easily as which night to spend with a specific wife.
Consequently, always consider the needs of the children, the distance and the time needed to ensure their lives maintain an established healthy routine.
Polygyny is not designed for everyone who desires it, husbands or wives.
It does have the ability to make the best people in very heightened situations.
Polygyny is still marriage, and marriage is an act of worship.
Go into it using wisdom, knowledge and due diligence as one would any other Sunnah. Within the Quran and the Sunnah are all of the pieces of the puzzle.
This article is from our archive, published on an earlier date and highlighted here for its importance.