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I Wish to Marry Someone, but My Parents Disapprove Him

Questioner

UAE, 21, female

Reply Date

May 23, 2019

Question

Assalamu alaikum. I met this person online two years ago. After a while, we have connected and wanted to marry. We are both at the same age. He is a revert in his family. He is a Canadian and I'm from an Indian family. We knew that we couldn’t just keep talking to each other. So, we wanted to marry. His parents accept me but mine has a problem.

I'm Indian and so family pride is important to my parents. They believe that getting me married by the age of 21 is crucial. They bring up Quranic references and keep forcing me to go through proposals I am not interested in. I used the word “force” because if I do not say yes, they will end up fighting with me. I am under so much pressure. They do not want me to marry the person I want; they keep bringing up issues like that he still studies or that his age is close to mine, or that he doesn't have any money.

It is all just hard because no matter what I present to my family, they will not listen to me. I do not care that much about money or anything of that sort. I do to some extent, but I believe that through proper communication and Allah's help, I will be okay. It’s depressing and there are so many nights I keep crying and praying that maybe Allah puts some understanding in them. I am trying to stay as patient as I can, but with all the proposals my parents have been putting me through, I do not know how much time I have.

Please, what should I do?

Counselor

Answer


Are Intimate Relationships Allowed in Ramadan?

In this counseling answer:

•If the man is Islamically acceptable for you to marry, you are free to marry him regardless of what your parents say.

•Tribalism, racism, and seeking one with a lot of money are not valid reasons to deny marriage.

•He was not born into Islam but made a conscious decision to accept Islam. This says a lot about his good character and intentions.

•In Islam, there is no compulsion and a woman cannot be married against her will.

•Make istakhara prayer as well as duaa regarding the situation.


As-salamu alaykum my dear sister,

First, congratulations on meeting somebody that you are compatible with and want to marry. Indeed, that truly is a blessing.

Decision to Marry

It appears that you both want to continue to have a halal relationship and you both desire marriage. His family is accepting of the marriage; however, yours is not.

Sister, I do want to point out that pleasing our parents is important. However, it is all right to get married. If the man is Islamically acceptable for you to marry, you are free to marry him regardless of what your parents say.

karim serageldin & naaila clay

Parental Obstacles to Marriage

I would kindly suggest insha’Allah, that as you are of the legal age to marry, you remind your parents of your rights in the Qur’an to marry. I would also bring up the fact that based on the Qur’an and Hadiths, it is not wise for them to prevent a marriage.

In addition, tribalism, racism, and seeking one with a lot of money are not valid reasons to deny marriage. In fact, some of these reasons are haram such as racism. I am not sure if this is the case with your family, but racism is often found in subtle ways when people say things like “oh he or she is not from our tribe” or “oh he or she is not from our race”. The Qur’an made it very clear that we are all equal and none is above the other except by what is in the content of one’s heart.

I will also add that as a revert to Islam, this man has made a conscious choice to follow Islam and dedicated his life to Allah. He was not born into Islam but made a conscious decision to accept Islam. This says a lot about his good character and intentions.

Right to Marry Whom You Choose

If this man is a good man, he loves Allah and keeps his faith, I will kindly suggest that the two of you decide to get married regardless. It is true that he must support you. This is the ultimate as a man is a provider for the wife.


Check out this counseling video


However, if the two of you have made an agreement and arrangements that you both will be contributing to the household expenses, then this is between both of you. Many young Muslims do marry while in college and struggling financially. They feel it is best to marry, struggle, grow together and prosper together later rather than commit haram.

Proposals from Parents

Regarding the proposals that your parents are putting you through sister, you do not have to say yes to any of those proposals unless you meet one whom you feel you are compatible with and would like to marry.

Do not feel forced to get married. In Islam, there’s no compulsion and a woman cannot be married against her will. Your parents cannot force you to marry the one you do not want to marry.

Conclusion

Insha’Allah sister, seek Allah’s guidance. Make istakhara prayer as well as duaa regarding the situation. If after prayers you still feel the same, I encourage you, dear sister, to approach your parents one more time in a loving way. Discuss with them your decision to marry him and ask for their blessings. If they do not agree, I will kindly suggest that you do marry him anyhow as this is the one you have chosen, and perhaps this is the man Allah has chosen for you. 

We wish you the best. 

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Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services. 

 Read more:

How Can I Tell My Parents I Want to Get Married?

His Mother is Against Our Marriage; How to Convince Her?

Shall We Get Married Behind Our Parents’ Back?




About Aisha Mohammad

Aisha received her PhD in psychology in 2000 and an MS in public health in 2009. Aisha worked as a Counselor/Psychologist for 12 years for Geneva B. Scruggs Community Health Care Center in New York. Aisha specializes in trauma, depression, anxiety, substance abuse, marriage/relationships issues, as well as community-cultural dynamics. She is certified in Restorative Justice/ Healing Circles, Conflict Resolution, Mediation, and is also a certified Life Coach. Aisha works at a Family Resource Center, and has a part-time practice in which she integrates healing and spirituality using a holistic approach. Aisha plans to open a holistic care counseling center for Muslims and others in the New York area in the future, in sha' Allah. Aisha is also a part of several organizations that advocate for social & food justice. In her spare time she enjoys her family, martial arts classes, Islamic studies as well as working on her book and spoken word poetry projects.

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