As-Salamu ‘Alaikum sister,
Thank you for writing to us with your concerns. I am sorry to hear that your father suffered many hurts and hardships from relatives and friends. Perhaps that is why he put emphasis on education and physical health and according to you “he has a very low emotional intelligence; therefore, we all suffer from emotional childhood neglect.” Oftentimes people who start out emotionally healthy become damaged and either unable or unwilling to become emotionally involved, even with family due to the fear of getting hurt. While this is not a healthy way to live, the person who detaches emotionally usually does so either consciously or sub-consciously as a defense mechanism. They are trying to protect themselves.
It is sad that your brother had to go back to Turkey. I sure it had a devastating effect not only on him, but your whole family including your father. While your father may have appeared to not care, the fact that he did not talk to your brother, or your brother to him states otherwise. Often times when those who love deeply are hurt or angry, and they often retreat to silence as the pain is too deep to express.
It is even sadder that your mother has become perhaps the biggest victim in all of this as she is yelled at, humiliated, blamed and has basically been abused by your father and his own frustrations and pain. This is unacceptable sister and I would highly suggest that you propose to your mom (and your dad if you feel he would be open) that you all go for family counseling to sort out this pain and dysfunctional style of family life.
As far as your brother is concerned, alhumdulillah he graduated from the university. He is 30 years old and despite still wanting to please your family, he should be encouraged to marry this girl as soon as possible and to not wait. Cultural preferences or tribal disputes are not reasons for withholding a marriage between two people who are striving to do right, to get married and please Allah (swt). If you are the only one who will encourage him, please do so.
As your brother has probably been under stress since he went to Turkey, and as the issues with your dad were never resolved, no wonder he is having health problems and is depressed. When the desire to marry was announced and not fully and joyfully accepted, this adds more stress and depression to the whole situation. I would encourage him to continue to see his counselor, move ahead with the marriage plans despite your father’s objections, and make du’aa’ to Allah (swt) that your father also gets the help he needs to overcome his mental health issues. If he has a family member, friend, or an imam whom he respects and trusts, perhaps your mom can arrange for him to speak to your dad about his concerns regarding the marriage. I know this is a touchy situation, but your family needs intervention as soon as possible.
You stated your father is now becoming paranoid and displaying OCD symptoms. Sister, this is an exacerbation of his lifelong mental health issues he already had. As it is getting worse, he needs to be evaluated. You may want to check out your local Islamic community for family services/support, or if there are not any available, find local community services in the town/city you live in. Ask to speak to a family counselor or counselor yourself to see what could be the best approach to take.
Things sometimes get worse before they get better, sister, so maybe this is the point wherein your father will have to come to terms with his own mental health. You may want to talk with him explaining that you love him and that you know he values health and that you have noticed that he is stressed. Kindly suggest that he sees a doctor. Offer to go with him, if needed. While he has his pride, he may appreciate your concern.
Stay close to Allah (swt), sister, make du’aa’ that Allah (swt) grant ease for your family. Allah (swt) is our ultimate healer and He (swt) knows best.
You are in our prayers sister. We wish you and your family the best, and please let us know how things turn out.
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