Every day they talk bad about my in-laws. As a result, my engagement ended after two months.
Now they are targeting me like I'm not a good girl. I'm the type of girl who prays 5 times a day and reads the Quran with translation.
But everyone is taking advantage of my broken engagement and making me depressed. I feel like I did wrong with my fiancé and can’t forgive myself and apologize to him and Allah so many times. What should I do?
Also, my mother and brother are very cruel and have deceptive nature.
The reason for my broken engagement: I belong to a well-established family but my in-laws are not.
My mother wanted a rich family and she doesn't value humanity and good character. My fiancé is a nobleman and lives with a joint family.
From the start of the engagement, my mother and brother argued with me that I have to live with his parents and they showed as they love me.
I clearly said I have no issues with joint family I respect elders and I would love to take care of his family.
But one day my mother made me cry. I talked to my fiancé and he took me wrong and got angry on me.
In return, I said some hurtful words of my mother to my fiancé what she says about them. The engagement ended at that moment.
It's really hurting to lose a loving and caring life partner. After that my mother and brother seem really happy and they are just hurting me every other day.
They got another proposal for me that I think was not appropriate for me.
They stressed upon me and told me you are ugly. You have to marry anyone. I have some better options from my university, but I want to study. I am not ready for marriage.
Answer
In this counseling answer:
• Try to forgive yourself, forgive your family and forgive your ex-fiancée for ending the engagement.
• As the engagement is over, it is time to move forward and heal.
• Open a conversation about finishing your studies before entering marriage.
• You need someone who can keep things calm and merciful. This can be a family friend or a professional therapist.
Assalamu alaikum wa Rahmatullah wa barakatu,
Thank you for writing in and sharing your feelings. It is my understanding that your engagement did not work out.
You have family conflict related to feeling that they do not support you and are taking advantage of your situation.
You also state that your mother and brother are cruel and deceptive. I am sorry to hear about this difficulty within your home.
Forgiveness
We know that mercy and forgiveness are stressed within Islam. This includes forgiving yourself, dear sister.
You mention apologizing many times to your ex-fiancée and to Allah. If you were sincere in your repentance, then take comfort in remembering Allah is most merciful. He knows your heart truly seeks forgiveness.
“…forgive with gracious forgiveness” [Quran 15:85]
Try to forgive yourself, forgive your family and forgive your ex-fiancée for ending the engagement. While you mention making harsh statements towards him, ultimately, he agreed to end the engagement.
Just as a marriage takes two people equally invested, so does engagement. This could be a foretelling of what your marriage would have been like, he might be the type to run during conflict or hardships.
A simple yet effective tool in strengthening your forgiveness is to try and understand the other person’s perspective.
Whether you agree with them or not, try to understand why your mother wants a certain type of husband for you.
The better you understand her, the easier you can forgive her and talk to her in a way which will make her more receptive to your needs.
4 Reasons to Marry
You mention your family is well-established, but your intended fiancée was not. Therefore, your mother preferred you marry someone else from a more financially strong family. We need to remember the Islamic narrative on selecting a spouse.
“A woman is married for four things, i.e., her wealth, her family status, her beauty and her religion. So you should marry the religious woman (otherwise) you will be a losers.” [Al-Bukhari]
This well-known hadith illustrates not only that one should consider socioeconomic status for marriage, but look towards their family, attraction, and piety.
It does not mean only consider one reason for marriage, rather consider all of them and strive for a balance of the four which will be compatible with you.
Your parents may be concerned that you are accustomed to a certain lifestyle and your husband should be able to provide that for you.
While one’s socioeconomic status should not be the only deciding factor in marriage, it is beneficial for you to carefully think about what lifestyle you need to feel comfortable.
If you realize that living a lower economic lifestyle would make you unhappy then this engagement ending was a blessing.
Rushing Marriage
It is not the only haram to force a marriage, but it will undoubtedly lead to resentment and hardship if both parties don’t truly want the marriage.
You stated, “I want to study and not ready for marriage”. Sister, you just made it very clear what needs to happen and answered your own question about what to do next.
Nothing says you must get married right now. Finish your college and take your time. The fact that you are stating you prefer to finish college first shows your first engagement was not at the right time for you anyways.
You mention that your family is using insults against you to try and push you into a marriage you don’t want. This type of toxic behavior is verbal abuse and will only result in a difficult marriage.
Check out this counseling video:
I suggest trying to talk this out honestly with your family. When they make hurtful statements like this tell them honestly that you feel hurt by their comments and would appreciate if they stopped insulting you.
If they continue to insult you and try to force marriage, you always have the option to seek out living on your own once you can support yourself.
Family Communication
Sister, it sounds like you and your family could really benefit from honest and merciful conversations. These should not be arguments and neither side should make statements like “you are so deceitful” or “you ruined everything”. It needs to be a respectful conversation.
Practice using I-statements. Instead of telling your mother she is deceitful and cruel, use non-confrontational and non-blaming statements like “I felt really hurt and that my feelings did not matter when I was told I had to marry”.
Have an open dialogue about finishing your studies before entering marriage. You can mention to them picking someone from the university makes it easier to select someone like you in socioeconomic status.
Do not engage in verbal abuse. If you are attempting to have open communication with your family and they refuse to do this in a merciful way, then seek out a mediator. You need someone who can keep things calm and merciful. This can be a family friend or a professional therapist.
Final Thoughts
I know this was a difficult point of your life, but as the engagement is over, it is time to move forward and heal. Rushing into another marriage prospect so early is dangerous and will not help you find a compatible partner in life.
Remember that marriage is more than just loving someone. It is about being a partner in life and working as a team. This is much more attainable when both parties genuinely want the marriage, and it is done at the right time.
Finish your education, as you already stated you prefer, and make duaa for a good and loving husband that will not only make you happy but will make your family feel you are stable and safe.
May Allah (Swt) heal your family conflict and fill your hearts with light and forgiveness,
Ameen.
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