I am a 23 year old woman with an MA degree. I grew up in a house where I saw my father constantly shouting and criticizing my mother and sisters even on small matters. My parents and elder sisters also used to make fun of my looks.
Now, while I know both my parents and siblings loved me, this negative environment has created a very low self-esteem in me regarding my appearance. In addition, this has created a very negative image about men in my mind. Coming to the real issue, I am of a marriageable age now and my parents want me to get married, but due to the childhood issues, I am very reluctant to get married and have many fears.
A colleague of mine proposed to me during my final year two years ago, but I declined him that time as I was not in the right state of mind. He kept asking me occasionally if I had changed my mind during the past two years, but I refused. A few weeks ago, when I discussed this problem with my best friend, she told me that the guy was sincere and wasn’t just flirting. I changed my mind and asked him to send his parents over. He promised that he would do as soon as his elder sister got engaged. (He said he did not know before that his sister's marriage would get this late and was not sure when would they find a good proposal for her).
Now, I feel that he really is sincere and would be a good husband and would improve my self-esteem, but the problem is that my parents started looking for other men for me as they don't want to wait! I am really depressed and sad. I want to marry him now, but I am not sure how long my parents will wait. What should I do? (I have not told anyone at home about this!)
Answer
In this counseling answer:
• Make istikharah prayer.
• Parents can at best only offer you advice or suggestions based on their own personal experience or preferences.
As-Salaamu ‘Alaikum,
First of all, I am so happy for you for several reasons.
One: you overcame your fear of men and marriage.
Two: you found a man (and, he found you first) who is good, sincere, and trustworthy, in sha’ Allah.
My dear sister in Islam, if he is truly all those things, THAT is a rare gift! As you witnessed in your own family, too many men don’t know how to be a “man” according to Islam.
Surat An-Nisa’ 4:34: “Men are the protectors and maintainers of women”
“They (women) have rights similar to those (of men) over them in kindness, and men are a degree above them,” (Qur’an 2:228)
Surat ‘Asr, 103: “By time,/ Indeed, mankind is in loss, /Except for those who have believed and done righteous deeds and advised each other to truth and advised each other to patience.”
Unfortunately, too many men think that the opposite of those instructions is how to be a “man”. They only think “leadership” (even only one degree) is the right to boss people around, tell them what to do, and then, to force them to do it if they don’t agree. This is not leadership; it is a spoiled brat.
Don’t get me wrong. The obedience of a wife is part of Islam and is, of course, very healthy as such, but it is obedience in a certain context. When it does not go against your principles/convictions, i.e., beliefs/motives and relates only to “how” to realize those beliefs/motives. In sha’ Allah, that (your will, not your principles) is where that “one degree” pertains.
“How” one goes about something is not the same as the essence of the thing (contradiction with the essence/motive violates a person’s human right to their own opinions/beliefs). The end result is that many women lose the opportunity for the full expression of themselves (the reason for marriage) and instead suffer unhappy marriages, divorce, neglect, abuse, a life alone, fear of marriage or remarriage.
The first thing you need to do is making istikharah. I don’t know this man. Maybe he is not all that he appears to be, Allah (swt) knows best! However, if you make Istikharah and Allah (swt) gives you to a sign or signs to go forward with marriage to him, no matter how long you have to wait, follow Allah’s (swt) guidance!
By the way, I have a system of understanding Allah’s (swt) response(s) to my Istikharah which you may also be helpful to you in interpreting Allah’s (swt) response(s) to your Istikharah. If I make Istikharah and get nothing, that means to me that I am okay; I am on the right path, thus don’t need further guidance on the issue. However, if I get something, in a dream or something problematic situation arises between us, I begin to interpret it in the following ways:
If disappointed, I do not allow myself to go into “denial” about it (“love is blind”).
I assume that I do not know what the sign(s) means unless it is a direct order, like: “Do not marry this man.” (This actually happened to me once in response to an Istikharah I made a job offer I wanted to accept; I saw “No” in a dream. At first, I did not know what to do because it was so blatant and unreal to me until I dreamed it again. After that, I stopped doubting and had to deal with tons of criticism for not taking the job).
Instead of taking signs as absolutes, view them as one of the following types of information which are always needed for the making of better decisions:
- What at least one of the challenges I will be in a marriage with that person. Don’t assume that negative behavior (yours or his) seals your or his fate (negatively); we all have faults!
- How he solves problems.
- How well we work together to solve problems.
- Why you should not marry this person.
If a problem arises, it is a blessing because it gives you an opportunity, before marriage, to find out how he operates, how he deals with challenging situations – either yours or his. Does he fear to be at fault or is he humble? Does he address the situation? Can he deal with you bringing up an issue with respect and understanding for your concerns, and your right to be concerned? If it is determined that he made a mistake, was he willing to correct it?
Do NOT project onto him your idea of what his behavior means (if he was the one making doing the problematic behavior) – find out from him what his behavior meant. One of the worst poisons in any relationship is assuming things that you know what someone else’s behavior means!
With these understandings, the sign has served to be informative of two things: what one (at least) of his problems is and how he solves problems. Those issues are of the greatest importance to the longevity of a marriage. That info gives you the opportunity to decide if you want him as the “leader” of the life you will share with him which, in a good marriage, is pretty much your whole life. If, however, he did not engage in the problem-solving process in a humble, understanding-of-your-right-to-be-concerned way, and rather tries to deny, deflect, and defend against anything being a problem (yours or his) or if he belittled your arguments, or did not give you room to make mistakes and the right to be forgiven, or the opportunity to explain yourself, then, best to avoid that person.
I am not an Islamic scholar, but let me share what AboutIslam sheikh, Ahmed Kutty says regarding parents’ opinion in marriage:
“It is fard `ayn for you to obey your parents in matters which properly belong or fall under their authority. But your marriage does not fall under this category, for, according to the teachings of Islam, marriage is ultimately left to your own personal choice. Parents can at best only offer you advice or suggestions based on their own personal experience or preferences. You are either free to accept them or reject them. Rejecting their advice in this matter does not amount to disobeying them. But still, you should consider whether there is anything of value or significance in their suggestion or advice, for most of the time parents have only the best interests of their children in their minds.
We must further add that parents have no right in Islam to force their children to marry someone they don’t wish to. The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) has categorically stated, “A woman who is never married before cannot be given in marriage without her consent; while a woman who is married before cannot be given in marriage without her order!”
Once, a girl approached the Prophet (saw) complaining that her father had given her away in marriage without her consent. The Prophet (saw) asked the father if it had been the case. When he was told it was so, he ordered for the annulment of the marriage, but then the girl stepped forward and said, “I have accepted my father’s choice, but I wished to let the women know that they cannot be given away in marriage without their consent!”
In light of the above, let me state that while you are obliged to obey your parents in matters that belong to their rights, they have no right to force you to marry someone you don’t like to marry. For marriage is a life-long partnership, and, therefore, you have the right to choose your partner. Imam Ibn Taymiyah has rightly said, “Just as parents cannot force their (grown-up) children to eat foods they do not wish to, they have no right to force them to marry someone they don’t like.”
I hope this helps, in sha’ Allah. And, if you get married to this man, and if it turns out to be a happy marriage, in sha’ Allah, it will improve our world. We need all the help which can get to tip the scales in the other direction (good marriages instead of bad), in sha’ Allah.
Salam,
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