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Shall I Marry Him Despite Dad’s Doubts?

09 November, 2020
Q I am a 23-year-old Muslim female. During my final year in my university, a class-fellow of mine proposed to me. Due to childhood emotional abuse and family problems, I said no to him.

He asked again after a year saying that he really liked me and wanted to marry me. I declined him once again. He kept asking again and again for the last 3 years. Last year, I discussed my issue with a friend of mine who advised me not to reject this guy as he was sincere about marrying me. So, I asked him to send his proposal to my parents. He did.

Now, my parents have asked for some time to think. My mother is quite satisfied with the proposal, but my dad has apprehensions because, despite his family being educated and decent, they live in a village and are not very rich. The guy is inducted into my country's airnforce so I would not have to live in the village, only visit it on certain occasions like Eid and after the wedding. But still, my dad has some fears.

I have performed Istikhara and asked Allah to guide me and make the thing happen if it is good for me. I feel satisfied with him and think he is dedicated and decent, but sometimes I get afraid of the future, too, because of my dad.

On one hand, I feel I won’t be able to find a dedicated man like him. On the other hand, I don’t want to go against my father's wish in my marriage. What should I do? Should I convince my father to marry this man or leave him and this idea altogether? Please help!

Answer


In this counseling answer:

“Given that the main problem for your father is that his family lives in a village and is not rich, the grounds for further discussion with your father is strong if you are comfortable to do so and you really want to move forward with getting married to this man.”


As-Salamu ‘Alaikum sister,

It is understandable why this feels like a difficult situation to be in. You feel like you have found someone who would make a good spouse, especially given his devotion to Islam. You have the support of your friend and mother, but not your father which makes the decision difficult for you.

Sincerity

It seems that this man would make an excellent spouse from an Islamic perspective. As he is sincere and committed to his faith, which is the most important thing. These are qualities that are very important in marriage in Islam. As it will help you remain steadfast. And will make an excellent role model to potential children in the future, in sha’ Allah. The fact that he has continued to pursue your hand in marriage indicates his commitment to you. Already even at this early stage.

Shall I Marry Him Despite Dad’s Doubts? - About Islam

Father’s support

However, unless your father supports this marriage, it could make things very difficult and potentially cause upset in the family if you were to pursue this marriage any further. If he were to support this marriage, you would be in an ideal situation to move forward with the proposal.

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Given that the main problem for your father is that his family lives in a village and is not rich, the grounds for further discussion with your father is strong if you are comfortable to do so and you really want to move forward with getting married to this man.

Importance

Islamically, wealth is not the most important thing in marriage and in life. The most important thing is his deen, which, from what you say, seems to be respectable. Would you prefer marrying a pious man, who is committed to you and his deen, but from a poor family. Or a man from a rich family who is not at all committed to his deen. Therefore, may influence you to be less committed, too? Whilst it seems clear what you think, your father needs to think about this too more deeply.

Alhamdulillah, you have started out in the right way. You have made Istikharah for Allah to guide you to make things good for you. And this is the best possible thing you can do right now. In addition to this, there are many Hadith and verses from the Qur’an available. That you (and your father) can consider to assist you in moving forward with this important decision.

“And marry the unmarried among you and the righteous among your male slaves and female slaves. If they should be poor, Allah will enrich them from His bounty, and Allah is all-Encompassing and Knowing.” (Surat An-Nur 24: 32)

“And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquillity in them; and He placed between you affection and mercy. Indeed in that are signs for a people who give thought.” (Surat Ar-Rum 30:21)

This affirms the reasons for marriage. And that is to find someone who will bring this kind of tranquility into your life; someone who is sincere and devoted.


Check out this counseling video:


Abu Huraira narrated that Prophet Muhammad (saw) said: “A woman is married for four things: her wealth, her family status, her beauty and her religion. So you should marry the religious woman (otherwise) you will be unsuccessful.” (Buhari)

Again highlighting the most important character trait for the potential spouse is a religious character.

Relating specifically to the role of your father in this, the following hadith is useful to refer to in the matter.

Ali ibn Abi Talib narrated that the Prophet (saw) said: “Three matters should not be delayed: salat when its time comes, burial when the funeral has arrived, and the marriage of a single woman when a man of equal status has proposed.” (Tirmidhi)

and

“When someone with whose religion and character you are satisfied asks for your daughter in marriage, accede to his request. If you do not do so there will be corruption and great evil on the earth.” (Tirmidhi)

However, it is understandable that whilst Islamically this is the way it should be, it doesn’t necessarily make things any easier for you if your father disagrees with this marriage. It will make for an uncomfortable relationship between you and your father whom you clearly respect.

Approach father

Given the evidence in the Qur’an and Sunnah, if you feel comfortable to do so, then you could certainly at least approach your father and discuss the matter with him further. Really helping him to understand why you think this man will be a good spouse for you and why you should go ahead with the marriage.

At the same time, remember to think of things from his perspective, too. As his daughter, obviously he only wants what is best for you. And so naturally it will be hard to convince him that any man will ever be good enough for you. This is just the protective nature of the father.

Understand that it’s difficult for parents to let go of their children when they grow up, get married, and move away. So be sure to approach him with compassion for what he might be going through too and how difficult it is for him also.

May Allah make it easy for you to make the best decision in the matter and bring whatever is good to you. May He grant you happiness in this life and the next with the most suitable spouse for you.

Amen,

***

Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

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About Hannah Morris
Hannah Morris is a mum of 4 and she currently works as Counsellor and Instructor of BSc. Psychology at the Islamic Online University (IOU). She obtained her MA degree in Psychology and has over 10 years of experience working in health and social care settings in the UK, USA, and Ireland. Check out her personal Facebook page, ActiveMindCare, that promotes psychological well-being in the Ummah. (www.facebook.com/activemindcare)