I'm one of your readers on Facebook and I wanted to ask something. I want someone to guide me and hoped that you will help me. I am 18 and it’s been a year since I started wearing my hijab and following the right path. Now, I love Allah more than anything else and I try to be a good Muslimah as much as possible. Due to the sudden change in my behavior and dressing, everyone started calling me by nicknames and bully me in other ways. I don’t really care though as I love Allah.
I try to stay away from every kind of sin and alhamdulillah I am doing good, but before wearing hijab and realizing "who I am", I was a really fashionable girl wearing jeans and tops. Since that time, I have a person I love dearly and he loves me, too. We have always planned to marry each other after I complete my education. He is 4 years older than me. He used to do so many bad things; he had many girlfriends before getting to know me and he told me everything about these girls. He said he was telling me so that we wouldn’t face any quarrel in the future. Now, he is ready to send his parents for marriage proposal. Though I am excited as I love him, I am also confused.
I mean I used to be a bad girl as well, doing sins day and night. But I feel I’m a Muslim now and I ask for Allah’s forgiveness in every prayer of mine. But he is not ashamed of what he did in his past. He even committed zina (adultery) previously and he doesn’t feel ashamed. I never considered this before, but now as I have started following the right path, I feel marrying him is a big mistake, because I heard that Allah promised in the Qur’an that "good women are for good men and bad women are for bad men." I don’t know if I’m bad or not, but at least I am not bad enough to get a person who is not ashamed of doing sins every second. On the other hand, I also heard that I shall only be worried about my sins and I am "no one" to measure the good deeds and the bad deeds of other people as it’s up to Allah to forgive them. I’m afraid of Allah. I don’t know what to do. I pray every time that Allah provides him with guidance.
Please tell me if it is wrong to marry a person who is not ashamed of doing sins and never asks for Allah’s forgiveness, but who supports me in wearing my hijab? I really need your help. I am confused.
Answer
In this counseling answer:
“You don’t have to pursue a marriage to this man. There are plenty of other single, pious men who are seeking a spouse and whom may be more suitable. The choice is yours, but it is important that you think it through carefully as it is a very important decision to make.”
As-Salamu ‘Alaikum dear sister,
Ma sha’ Allah, sister, it is so pleasing to read that you are now wearing a hijab and are content with your deen and you fear Allah (swt). You are right; it doesn’t matter what other people think because Allah (swt) is your judge, not them. Wearing the hijab pleases Allah (swt) which is more important than pleasing those who mock you. May Allah (swt) continue to give you strength in repelling these negative comments.
You are right to be concerned about making sure you get married to the right person. One of the most important qualities to seek in a spouse is that of piety. If the person you are hoping to marry does not repent for his previous sins, then this is not a good sign. May Allah (swt) guide him to the straight path. Sure, no one is perfect, and everyone makes mistakes and will commit sin. The important thing is to repent and do everything you can to ensure that you don’t fall into the same sin again.
Check out this counseling video:
In marriage, a couple can be a good influence on each other and encourage them to get closer to Allah (swt), but they have to have the basic faith there, to begin with. You need someone who will support you in wearing your hijab – both literally and spiritually – and who helps you stay away from sins.
It seems you have built an attachment towards this man. You say he loves you too, but if he truly loved you, then he would want Allah (swt) to love you, too, and that includes encouraging you to wear hijab and stay away from sin.
Now that you have this attachment, it is understandable why you feel happy to move forward with a marriage to this man. Your heart is attached to him, but it is also important that you take a look at the situation from a more rational angle as well and think what would be most pleasing to Allah (swt).
Aside from that, you met in a haram way and have maintained a haram relationship which does not make for a good start to a healthy marriage. It possible that things could change, Allah (swt) guides whom He (swt) wills, but there are also other options available to you. You don’t have to pursue a marriage to this man; there are plenty of other single, pious men who are seeking a spouse and whom may be more suitable. The choice is yours, but it is important that you think it through carefully as it is a very important decision to make.
May Allah (swt) forgive your past sins and continue to guide you onto the straight path. May He (swt) grant you a pious spouse who will make you happy and content and will support you in your deen.
Salam,
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