One of her friends recently got married and now she talks all the time about her married life. My friend is facing some anxiety because two of her elder sisters are unmarried and so is she, so marriage is a subject causing anxiety in her family. But the friend does not talk about anything else anymore.
What's worse is she brags about her romantic and sexual life with her husband, talks about trying to get pregnant all the time. This makes my friend uncomfortable, because, for one thing, she was given the concept of haya from her parents. Secondly, she feels all these things, husband, parenthood might not be in store for her anyway.
So the question she wants to ask is whether she should let go of this friend or take a 2-3 years break from her until the married life becomes a norm for her. What should she do?
In this counseling answer:
• She needs to tell her that it is not allowed in Islam to discuss any aspect of the intimate life between the husband and the wife with anyone.
• Let your friend know that she should focus not on the life of her married friend, but her own personal growth, her passions, and her dreams and her pursuit in becoming a better Muslim with each passing day.
• Let your friend know that marriage is not the ultimate purpose of life.
Assalamu Alaikum dear sister,
I can understand how excited and happy your friend probably feels like a newly married wife. However, it is truly unacceptable for your friend’s friend to discuss her married life with your friend.
It is possible that she does not talk about it with the intention of bragging, but simply discussing her personal feelings with a friend who she considers very close. Your friend, understandably, feels uncomfortable as she wants to get married. She feels unblessed because of still being single.
Regardless of the level of friendship, your friend has with her married friend, she needs to tell her that it is not allowed in Islam to discuss any aspect of the intimate life between the husband and the wife with anyone. Your friend needs to politely let her know that what she is doing, perhaps out of ignorance, is not liked in Islam.
In addition, I feel that their friendship is strong, and when it is the case, she should let her know that she is not feeling comfortable listening to such discussions. There is nothing in letting a good friend know that something she is doing is bothering her friend. If she is truly a good friend, she will understand, and if she is not, she will distance herself.
She should simply say that she is not comfortable discussing intimacy and her desire to become pregnant. She should tell her that she should make supplication to Allah to get pregnant, and they should rather talk about other things in life. It is true that marriage is obviously the biggest part of her life now, but it certainly is not the only part of her life.
In addition, your friend should not think too much about the things her friend is speaking about. This will make her think about things that she should not think about.
Seeing the Positives
I feel that the reason your friend shared this information with you is the result of her feeling lonely and unhappy as she is not married.
Dear sister, let your friend know that marriage is not the ultimate purpose of life. Everyone’s lives differ. It is possible that your friend can potentially be obsessed over the fact that she is not yet married and is not feeling very positive about life. If you suspect this behavior from her, encourage her to count her blessings and encourage her to develop herself and pursue personal growth. The right person will come at the right time.
Maybe your friend is trying to pursue a certain type of education, and maybe it is better for her to finish her education or get her life stable in terms of education and finance before Allah thinks it is right for her to get married. Maybe Allah wants something that she is not able to understand at this time.
Therefore, let your friend know that she should focus not on the life of her married friend, but her own personal growth, her passions, and her dreams and her pursuit in becoming a better Muslim with each passing day.
Believe in Allah and tie your camel
Although when it comes to marriage we are not really in control, we still need to let others know of our intentions. For instance, if your friend’s family is worried about getting the daughters married, the daughters need to be social. The daughters need to let themselves known. Arranged marriages still do take place, but a great majority of people these days are getting married to people they do know, as opposed to people they are complete strangers to.
I suggest that your friend and her sisters visit social events (in a clean and Islamically permissible environment) and network with other women. There is also nothing wrong with speaking to a local religious Muslim woman about your intention.
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In addition, you should tell your friend to tell her parents that they should look at places where good guys can be found. For example, make her father visit the mosque for Fajr Salaah. A good, God-fearing Muslim man will pray not only the salah at the mosque when it is convenient but also when it is hard.
In addition, ask your father to attend halaqas and talk to other men who have sons of the right age. Sometimes, in certain circumstances, parents have children too early or too late, and their friends have kids who are not the right age for pursuing marriage with. There are many circumstances, and better God-fearing young girls and guys are facing problems related to finding a suitable partner for marriage.
Power of Supplication
Dear sister, sometimes things do not seem to change. It is possible that your friend wants to get married, but there seems to be no answer. If such are the circumstances, let her know that we need to evaluate our relationship with Allah.
For evaluating this, she needs to consider her quality of salah and her connection with Allah and His Book. When she invests her time in pleasing Allah, certainly many of her life’s problems and circumstances will change for the better. Please, share with her the following thoughts.
What is Your Personal Identity and Purpose?
It is very important that you become a “me” before a “we”. How are you going to know if you are compatible with your future spouse if you don’t know who you are or what you are supposed to do with your life. Take the needed time to discover who you are. What is your purpose? I suggest you listen to these lectures. These are eye-opening:
Be confident in your own skin and in the purpose God has placed you on Earth. When you are secure in your identity then your future spouse can be a healthy companion to reach the true goal, instead of someone to “complete” you, because, without a purpose, there is no real completion.
Focus on healthy living
When we talk about having a healthy lifestyle it is 3-fold: spirit, soul and body. Before you get married, it works best if you are doing well personally in these different areas. Start eating a good healthy diet if you already aren’t and invest time exercising for a fit body, not just a thin body.
Spend time enjoying yourself
I can understand that when you have a certain worry that makes you feel restless, it is hard to enjoy anything without having the worry distract you again and again. However, the simple rule to overcome this is to do what you can to change the present so that the worry will not be there in the future.
In addition, I suggest that you advise your friend to volunteer for good causes around the neighborhood or online. There are lots of blogs and websites that are always looking for and accepting writing submissions for volunteer purposes and some paid.
In addition, she can sign up to teach young girls the Quran, Islamic education or secular education once or twice a week, by herself. I am sure that she would have heard the proverb, God helps those who help others. Therefore, if she can make time to help others who are less fortunate, perhaps through this Allah SWT can ease her worries and facilitate her matters.
In addition, when she participates in such activities, it will be easy for others to know about her. ?
I hope my answer provides the guidance and help your friend was looking for. I hope the situation between your friend and her married friend resolves for the better and that your friend finds what she is looking for.
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