Answer
In this counseling answer:
“From what you have told us, this man seems to be sincere and honest. I don’t think a female roommate is a strong enough reason to decline his proposal given that this seriously may be a situation which could not have avoided. However, if you feel uncomfortable, you must be frank with him. I would also advise you to ask around about this brother before making any decision regarding marriage.”
As-Salamu ‘Alaikum Dear sister,
Thank you for placing your trust in our ability to propose a solution to your current situation.
The most important factor when considering a person’s suitability for marriage is his/her piety. The person you are talking about, from the little you have described, seems to be honest and sincere. If he hadn’t been sincere and honest, he would have made small talk with you without meeting your parents and would have never told you about his past, given that it is not obligatory to unveil your past in front of your future spouse.
However, I believe that he preferred honesty over his own image and wanted to enter the relationship with nothing hiding from you. He seems to be sincere and is clearly seeking Allah’s forgiveness from his sins.
In the Quran, Allah (swt) tells us that,
“Peace be upon you. Your Lord has decreed upon Himself mercy: that any of you who does wrong out of ignorance and then repents after that and corrects himself – indeed, He is Forgiving and Merciful.” (6:54)
This verse indicates that Allah (swt) forgives each and every sinner who repents and corrects themselves and makes their behavior in accordance with what Allah (swt) has ordained. Therefore, the fact that the brother is pursuing Islamic knowledge, trying to be a devout individual, and pursuing marriage, a halal way of life, is a positive sign.
Now, a person who is sincerely trying to get back on track will by no means fall prey to a situation with a female roommate. Keep in mind that there is a third person present with them. Again, you are aware of his female roommate because he chose to freely disclose this, accepting that he knows that is not preferred, and you may even decline his proposal. In addition, this does not certify him as an individual of bad character who has no self-control and fear of Allah (swt). All in all, I don’t think a female roommate is a strong enough reason to decline his proposal given that this seriously may be a situation which could not have avoided.
However, if you feel uncomfortable, you must be frank with him. Marriage is blessing from Allah (swt) and like everything in life worth having, it involves hard work. Hard work in marriage is a combination of effective communication, trust between the spouses, and faith in Allah (swt). By no means are these three easily acquired and maintained.
You must tell him that you trust him and are aware that he is a person of good conduct and character, but as his future wife, you feel uncomfortable with him living under one roof with another female, a non-mahram, although there is another male present. You must also acknowledge that you trust him, and this does not by any means is an indication that you do not trust him and doubt his character.
Dear sister, marriage is made strong when both the spouses trust each other and are not suspicious for petty reasons. Suspicion is the root of many marital issues which result in extremely negative consequences with no solutions.
I would also advise you to ask around about this brother before making a decision. Such as the imam of the mosque where you met him. It is an absolute necessity to inquire about a potential candidate for marriage before making a decision. This will facilitate your process of making a decision. You can ask your parents to visit the place where he lives to get a sense of his life style and also to take a look at his roommates.
In addition, I sincerely advise you to pray Salat-ul-Istikhara; the prayer of guidance. If marriage with that individual is beneficial for you in this world and the afterlife then Allah (swt) will make it easy. However, if it is not good for you, then Allah (swt) will replace it for something far better. When you are seeking Allah (swt)’s guidance and answer, you must make sure that you are happy with the guidance that Allah (swt) provides.
I hope my answer provided the guidance and solution you were looking for.
Salam,
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Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.
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