I love my parents, but they don't understand what I feel, what I have been going through. Whatever I say my mom says "no, don't say this, young girls don't talk like this".
I'm interested in a guy. We want to get married. Islam discourages zina and encourages marriage.
My problem is that I can't talk to my parents about him because they won't understand it. They will insult me I think because they think girls in my age don't think of marriage.
How to make them understand that I am not a little kid anymore? I want to get married!
Answer
In this counseling answer:
Your parents’ attitude towards you may not necessarily be because they think of you as a kid.
It might be more a result of their anxieties for your future. Try talking to your parents.
Try to also understand things from their perspective. This might make it easier for you to approach them more appropriately. Understand that they will also be worried about you getting married at this age.
Have an older family member with you who you trust and who support you.
Most importantly, keep everything halal between you and him.
Wa ’Alaikum Salaam sister,
You have now reached an age where you desire to get married and have found someone who you believe is suitable. However, you are afraid that if you approach your parents about the matter, they will not agree to it because they still think of you as a kid.
It’s good that you desire to get married. You desire to get married to stop yourself from falling into sin. This is one of the main reasons why marriage is prescribed to us. It gives us a means to have our needs met in a halal way that is acceptable to Allah (swt).
Young marriage
In Islam, we are also encouraged to marry young. Therefore, being 19 is not necessarily too young to get married from an Islamic perspective. Your reasons to get married are entirely justified and your parents should understand it.
However, try to also understand things from their perspective. This might make it easier for you to approach them more appropriately. Understand that they will also be worried about you getting married at this age.
Firstly, because as their daughter, naturally, they will be anxious to let you go. They may have a hard time accepting a man as the one who will take over their current role of taking care of you. This can be difficult for parents to accept.
So, their attitude towards you may not necessarily be because they think of you as a kid. It might be more a result of their anxieties for your future.
Checklist
There a couple of things to think of at this point. Firstly, you must ensure that any contact you have with this person you wish to marry is kept completely halal. Do not have any contact with him (even via phone or the internet) without a mahram present.
This is for your own protection. As you know already, contact like this can lead to other things such as zina, which is a grave sin Islamically. If you are both serious about marriage then it is important to stick to this, especially whilst you try to convince your parents that marriage is what is good for you right now.
Speak to an elder
In the mean time, you might speak to someone, ideally, an older family member, who you can trust and you know will support your decision. Explain your situation to them and invite them to go with you to approach your parents about the issue.
This way, you will feel more comfortable and confident to talk to your parents about it. You will have a respected family member to stand by you and support you. This may be more convincing to your parents as it shows them that you are completely serious about your decision.
Let them see that you are doing it for the right reasons and that you want to move forward with this in the correct way. If you do not have such a family member, you could try the local Imam to do the same job for you. In sha’ Allah, he will be able to advocate for the Islamic benefits of your marriage.
Check out this counseling video:
Proposal
Another option might be to have this guy get his own family to approach your family with a proposal. Again, this will let them know that you are serious about it and that you are going about it in the most respectable and Islamic way. This way, they will be more likely to be convinced that marriage is a good option for you now as you are going about it in a mature way.
In the meantime, continue praying to Allah (swt) to make this possible for you. Remain close to Allah (swt) and keep Him in mind to protect you from falling into the sin that you fear you might if you don’t get married.
Conclusion
If you are dead serious about marrying this guy, but your parents keep refusing it, you could pursue marriage without their consent, Islamically. But be fully aware that there could be dire consequences for behaving like this.
May Allah (swt) guide you to make the best choice that will be most pleasing to Him and will bring happiness to you and your family. May He grant you a spouse who will be the coolness of your eyes.
Amen,
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