Answer
Answer:
As-Salamu `Alaykum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh,
Thank you for sharing your problem with us. We are all going through changes in our lives, more so now than at any other time, I think. You have come to a forked road in your life; both paths leading to a future that only Allah knows. You look behind and see a path trodden with domestic violence. What is not clear to me is whether that history of abuse pertains to your parents, your siblings, or both. The reason why I make this distinction is because how we learn to relate to our partners in marriage is largely influenced by how our parents relate to one another. They are our first teachers and the only teachers that can give us the social skills that we need to learn, especially in our early years.
Sometimes, these influences are not always positive – as in your case, I believe. Consciously, we may feel that everything is fine, but subconsciously we believe that “all men are like that” (abusive) because we have been conditioned to believe this by the lack of alternative role models in our lives. Added to this, we may be conditioned, with a heavy dose of low self-esteem to behave submissively to a spouse; we learn to be helpless and insignificant in order to deflect aggression. How does this relate to your sisters, if at all? This may not be your situation at all, but I just ask you think a little about how your view of men has affected your view of marriage. Do you fear a loss of your own identity?
Whatever it is you fear, it is not peculiar to your culture alone, and as such, there is nothing to say that what you fear will not be experienced with someone of another culture. The reason I say this is because with some, but not all, children who grow up in homes where domestic violence prevails, there is, unwittingly, a tendency to choose someone for a partner who is of the same nature as the abuser. Before you panic, would you say that the person that you are going to marry behaves as if
He has a God-given right over others actions and feelings?
Does he discredit the views of the women in his family?
Is he charming in public and aggressive at home?
Is he possessive and jealous?
From observing his relations with his family, you can see for yourself, but I doubt very much, from what you have said, that he has any of the above characteristics. He has shown much consideration by
Offering to provide separate accommodation.
Reassuring you that you will not be a slave to his elderly parents. It is only natural that he would want them taken care of.
Reassuring you that he will protect you from any harm.
If anything, you can reassure yourself about this by establishing the roles that his sisters and sisters-in-law play in taking care of his parents. In this way, you can see that you will only play a small part in what is possibly an extensive family network of support, in sha’ Allah. You have done Istikharah and the signs have been good, so what is there left?
You know, the negative side of a nuclear family (the couple and children) is the high level of expectation there is from each other. Left unexpressed, there can be many assumptions and misunderstandings about one another and this intensifies a marital relationship. If you could put aside your fears for a little while, there could be a positive side to living within an extended family, as long as your own parents are not too far away.
You could learn a little more about your husband to be from his family. This would be extremely helpful, especially in early marriage when so many misunderstandings can take place. You would not be under each other’s feet because your fiancé has promised to fulfill your condition by providing separate accommodation. If you want to be on the safe side, ask him to provide accommodation that is not too close to his family, but not too far that it causes problems for him. Also, with separate accommodation, you would be able to take time to be more confident about your own needs and what you find acceptable. In this way, they can gradually get to know you on your terms, and distance between his family home and your home would help to reduce the risk of a clash between their cultural practices and your desire to live Islamically.
Regarding traditional clothes, I am sure you can find a compromise that suits you and helps make them feel comfortable with you. They have their ways, and whether you are living with them or not, it will not hurt you to take certain aspects of their nature into consideration. This is what marriage is all about anyway—taking into consideration each other’s needs, being protective, supportive, and guardians of one another.
Once you can establish a balance, whatever fears you have will fall away, in sha’ Allah. Try not to ponder on imagined scenarios in your head because this is devoid of the many possibilities in real life. How his mother may react may be countered by your compassion, patience, and care. In this way, she too will not feel threatened; it is not just one sided you know.
If you still have doubts about your Istikharah, there is nothing to prevent you from asking Allah for clearer guidance. However, be mindful that your doubt might be more to do with your deep-seated fears rather than the answer given in the Istikharah. We pray that you will make the best choice and that your decision will be the right one, in sha’ Allah. If you remain confused about what to do, it might be worth visiting a counselor for a couple of sessions, just to sort out what is going on in your mind before you get yourself into a panic. The worst thing you can do is to make future life decisions based on fear, so it would not harm you to take time to realize that life is not always what it seems.
Salam,
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