In this counseling answer:
“I would like to point out that you cannot force anyone to genuinely love and care for you. Those are feelings and actions that can only be done from the heart with free will and not under any duress. If you believe that he will willingly desire to marry you and be a good husband to you, then maybe it is worth waiting for if you chose. However, if you deep down inside believe that he is lost in his emotions and is chasing a mirage, then I would reconsider waiting. Only wait for something that is real.”
Salam ‘Alaykum sister,
Thank you for sending us your question. I ask Allah to help both you and the young man whom you have feelings for to make the right choices in your lives.
It appears that you are infatuated with the young man you described above. You mentioned that you have feelings for him and a desire that he become your future husband. On the other hand, he does not share those mutual feelings. Instead, he is infatuated with another girl whom you describe to be uninterested in him.
It appears that the both of you are in the same boat! The both of you are “grieving” over a close relationship that has ended and wished that it never did. However, the both of you are in different stages emotionally. He is in the “denial” phase in which he does not want to believe that the girl he “loves” will not come back to him. Therefore, he is waiting for her hoping that his wishes will come true.
You, on the other hand, seem to be in the “bargaining” phase in which you are starting to realize that you may lose him and feel fearful. You are still contacting him and telling him that you will wait for him. You are also asking Allah to make him your husband. You aren’t ready to let him go.
Please read more on the stages of grief to better understand what you may be going through emotionally here.
Sister, please know that you as a human being are capable of being a wonderful, happy, and full person. Know, value, and truly love yourself before seeking to be validated through a relationship. Once you know and value yourself more, you will start to understand what you want from life and what you want in a future husband in a more authentic and deeper manner.
The young man you mentioned above is clearly not ready to face reality and is seeking something other than you. In the Quran, Allah says,
“And that there is not for man except that [good] for which he strives, And that his effort is going to be seen.” (53:39-40)
This guy is striving for something particular. The choices he will make in his life will dictate what he is and what he becomes. What will your choices be? The choices that you make will also alter your life and who you will become. Do you believe this guy deserves you? Do you agree with his actions and what he stands for? What are you really chasing after and what are you longing for? Is he the only one that can fulfill what you really want? Only you can truly answer those questions.
The last question you ask is whether you should wait for this guy. I can only suggest things to you because only you can make the ultimate decisions about your life. However, I would like to point out that you cannot force anyone to genuinely love and care for you. Those are feelings and actions that can only be done from the heart with free will and not under any duress. If you believe that he will willingly desire to marry you and be a good husband to you, then maybe it is worth waiting for if you chose. However, if you deep down inside believe that he is lost in his emotions and is chasing a mirage, then I would reconsider waiting. Only wait for something that is real.
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