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I Love a Girl Who Doesn’t Want to Marry Me

Questioner

S

Reply Date

Aug 31, 2019

Question

Salam. My goal in life until now was to get a girl I love. She is my cousin. I started giving more attention to my studies because I've heard in our society that we can get any girl if we are well-educated, well-mannered, and self-employed. I was so obsessed with her beauty that I used to see her in my dreams.

Once I told her that I like her, but she rejected me telling that she likes her cousin, Abu Bakar, and doesn't want me to irritate her anymore. Since then, I've lost my goal that I'd struggle for. I'm 21, yet I've no more interest in my life. It's like I've lost something extremely special in my life. When I made her my goal I stopped looking at other girls because I found her so modest. I wanted to be pious to be eligible for her. It seems I've failed and I'm now waiting for my death to come.

People lied to me that we can get any girl if we are well-educated. I hate people. They lied.

Counselor

Answer


I Love a Girl Who Doesn’t Want to Marry Me

In this counseling answer:

• Do not live your life for anyone other than Allah (swt).

• Find yourself first, and then you will be more able to find the person who loves you because you will have definition all on your own.

• Education, like everything else, is not an end in itself (unless you are only living for this world), but is valuable when it is in service to Allah.


Wa ‘Alaikum Salaam my dear brother in Islam,

There are different kinds of love. We might love someone else, selflessly, without any regard to how they love us, or we love how someone else loves us and what s/he does for us. There is also another way we love: we love our projections of what we think another person is until we find out who they really are. Then, we find out that we really don’t love them but just love fantasy of who we thought they were. Now, you are making a bunch of mistakes in terms of these different aspects of love.

First of all, do not live your life for anyone other than Allah (swt). Figure out how to get to Jannah and do that. If it means school, then pursue that; if it means learning good manners, then do that. If you, as a  man, feel the force of your nature telling you to be a protector and provider (of women and children, according to the Quran), then do that. Find yourself first.

I Love a Girl Who Doesn't Want to Marry Me - About Islam

Marriage is “half of our deen”. So, get your faith in order first, which means figure out how to do things because of Allah (swt) and only because of Allah (swt). If you eat, it is because Allah (swt) made you to need to, and you want to do it in the halal way. If you work, you want to work for the sake of Allah (to please Him and get his Reward), etc.


Check out this counseling video:


So, find yourself first, and then you will be more able to find the person who loves you because you will have definition all on your own. In sha’ Allah, you will be able to find the person you love because you will know that part of love is the other person loving you, too.

Lastly, those friends who told you to get an education were not liars, just shortsighted. Education, like everything else, is not an end in itself (unless you are only living for this world), but is valuable when it is in service to Allah (swt), according to Allah’s (swt) rules, and with the aim to gain Jannah.

May Allah (swt) make it easy for you.

***

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Read more:

She is Severely Ill, But I Want to Marry Her

The Story of the Woman who Wanted to Marry Moses

Why Can’t I Marry Whom I Want?

 




About Nasira S. Abdul-Aleem

Nasira S. Abdul-Aleem, an American, has a BA in English from UC Berkeley and is about to receive an MS degree in counseling psychology (Marriage and Family Therapy - MFT) from the Western Institute for Social Research. For over ten years, Nasira worked as a psychotherapist with the general public and in addiction recovery. For the last few years, she has been a life coach specializing in interpersonal relations. Nasira also consults with her many family members who studied Islam overseas and returned to America to be Imams and teachers of Islam. Muslims often ask Nasira what psychology has to do with Islam. To this, she replies that Islam is the manifestation of a correct understanding of our psychology. Therapists and life coaches help clients figure out how to traverse the path of life as a Believer, i.e., "from darkness into light", based on Islam and given that that path is an obstacle course, according to Allah.

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