In this counseling answer:
• Please sit down and reflect upon the relationship. Make a list of all the things that he has done to hurt you. Write down the attributes of his personality that are good and those that are negative.
• Allah tells us He will forgive us if we sincerely repent. So the question is a sister if Allah has forgiven you why can’t you forgive yourself?
• The next time you meet somebody insha’Allah, please do ensure that they are of good character.
• Seek counseling.
As Salamu Alaykum sister,
Thank you for writing again explaining your situation a bit more clearly. From reading your question and your concerns and all that you have been through, I am wondering if you are looking at the situation clearly. You state that this boy still claims that he loves you, but he is still the same abusive, manipulative person.
Not Everyone Who Looks Pious is Pious
He even told you his plans to marry the neighbor’s daughter who has been “pious and good” all of her life. I first want to point out that even though somebody may seem to be pious and good all of their lives doesn’t necessarily mean that they have.
Actually, none of us have. We all have times where we fall short, where we sin and do things we shouldn’t. And insha’Allah, when we realize that we have done wrong, we seek sincere repentance from Allah. So, I just wanted to point out that her being pious and good may be true to a certain degree or it may not.
I don’t know if his boy told you she’s pious to make you feel bad or if you just think she is. Whatever the case, it is no reflection upon who you are.
The Prophet’s Wives Were Not Virgins
In regards to being pious and a good person, you discussed yourself by stating “The reason for me staying that long in such a destructive relationship was, of course, the fact that I was no longer a virgin, and no one else after him would accept me because of that”.
Sister, I sincerely hope you do not believe that. Who told you that? Did you know that the wives of our beloved Prophet were not virgins except for one?
“Aisha daughter of Abu Bakr for example, was the youngest wife of the Prophet and was the only wife who had been unmarried before.”
It appears to me sister that if you are being told you will not find a good pious husband because you are not a virgin, someone does not know of the Prophet (PBUH). Perhaps it is this boy who has told you this or others who are following a culture and not Islamic values, I do not know. Please, do read more about our beloved Prophet and how he lived, treated others and treated his wives.
Check out this counseling video:
Reflect Upon Your Experiences with This Man
Looking at the situation through a clear lens, it’s obvious to see that this boy is very cruel, self-righteous, angry, and abusive. You state that he talks very nasty about you and your family, that he always has angry outbursts calling you a whore and saying that your family was people that didn’t deserve a drop of respect from him or his family.
As a Muslim sister, I asked you, how arrogant is that? Do you really want to be with someone who is not only abusive but he’s very arrogant as well? Allah hates those who are arrogant and put themselves above others.
While I understand the emotional attachment you may have to him I would like you to insha’Allah, please sit down and reflect upon the relationship. Make a list of all the things that he has done to hurt you. Write down the attributes of his personality that are good and those that are negative.
You stated that you wanted to marry him, possibly to ensure that you would be married and have children. Sister, I kindly ask you to really think about this.
What kind of life do you think that you and your children would have? Just based on the brief information that you gave, it appears that this is a marriage that would be filled with abuse. It seems that it would not only be mentally and emotionally abusive, but it could possibly be physically abusive as well. Who would want to have a marriage like that?
Allah Forgives All Sins
Sister, I understand you carry a lot of guilt hurt and pain over your past actions. However, your past does not define who you are now. You have given your sins to Allah in sincere repentance. You prayed for forgiveness. You know that Allah is most merciful and most forgiving. And you also know that Allah loves to forgive. Insha’Allah, Allah has forgiven you.
Allah tells us He will forgive us if we sincerely repent. So the question is a sister if Allah has forgiven you why can’t you forgive yourself? The only hindrance to you being happy and going on with a successful future, and insha’Allah getting married to a wonderful man, is your inability to let go of the past and forgive yourself.
Sister, you are only 21 years old. You are very young, and based on reading your question you love and fear Allah very much.
Let Go Off This Toxic Relationship
Sister, you made mistakes, you sin like all of us. You are human. Most important is that you sincerely repented. Please, insha’Allah, let go of your past, let go of the sins.
I could kindly advise again, that you let go of this boy as he is toxic. You deserve someone so much better than him. While you may not realize it, you have so much to offer a pious Muslim husband. You seek to learn more of Islam, you seek to be a better Muslim (as we all should seek). You have much sorrow and guilt in your heart for the past things that you have done. That shows that your heart is soft and is not hardened like a rock.
The boy, on the other hand, appears to have a hardened heart. Not only is he cruel and abusive and arrogant, it also seems he does not fear Allah. You don’t want to be with somebody who doesn’t fear Allah. It could lead you into greater dangers and to greater depths of separation from Allah.
You deserve a husband who loves and fears Allah, one who follows the Sunnah of the Prophet Mohammad and looks to how he treated his wives. You deserve so much, but because of your mistakes and because of this boy you feel that you deserve nothing good.
Start a New Page in Your Life
Sister, I would kindly suggest that insha’Allah you just start fresh. Learn from this experience, but do not let it consume your life. I’m not going to go into talking about things that are haram, you already know that. What I’m going to suggest is that you learn from the past concerning men insha’Allah.
The next time you meet somebody insha’Allah, please do ensure that they are of good character. This may be done through your parents or an imam or others who may know of him. Ask questions, have your family or Muslims who you are close to intervening on your behalf. Please, do know about the person you intend to marry because too many times wolves come in sheep’s clothing.
Inshallah, when you begin to view yourself in a new light when you let go of your past with this boy, you will begin to blossom like a rose. As you begin to understand the beauty of your own self in your humbleness and in your quest for Allah’s love and approval, insha’Allah you will begin to unfold like a butterfly.
Seek Counseling for Depression
Sister, if you find you cannot get through this depression, please do seek professional counseling again. You stated that you saw a therapist before for depression. Please, do get in touch with your therapist to continue your healing journey.
If you feel suicidal, please contact the suicide hotline.
I have faith and confidence that you will get through this. Insha’Allah, you will be able to step back and see the truth of the situation through a clearer lens. Once you see this for what it is, insha’Allah you will gain a much deeper perspective and you will be happy that you invested in the efforts to do so.
May Allah help you,
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