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I’m in Love with an Engaged Girl

Questioner

Anonymous

Reply Date

Apr 15, 2019

Question

Two years ago, I fell in love with my colleague. Last November, she got engaged by force from her parents and not by her own will. She no longer responds to her fiancé nor does she answer his phone calls as she says that she has no feelings for him.

She spends most of her time with me during office hours and later call me till late hours into the night. Even though my parents are looking for a girl for me to marry, I have all my feelings with my beloved.

lPlease advise me on what I should do. Should I pursue a relationship with her and encourage her to break-up with her fiancé? Or should I give up on her?

Counselor

Answer


I’m in Love with an Engaged Girl - About Islam

In this counseling answer:

•Consider how you standing in the way could affect things for her.

•I would encourage you to cut any contact with her for now aside from that which is necessary for work purposes as you can see how this has led to the development of intense feelings.

•Start a marriage in a proper way according to the values of Islam.

•Pray istikhara so that Allah may support you and guide you to make the best choice for you and that which will be more pleasing to Him.


Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh,

Ultimately it will be your choice how you choose to move forward with this situation, but please consider some important things as you do so.

Even though you have developed feelings for her and understandably, as a result, don’t have a desire to marry anyone else but her, recognize that your feelings for one another have developed and being maintained in a way that is not congruent with Islamic values. Islam does not encourage such intimate interactions between a man and woman outside of marriage.

It is these feelings which prevent you from having any desire to marry any other. To start a relationship in this way does not pave the way for a future together that is within the boundaries of Islam which is somewhat concerning.

While she is not formally married to this other man, she is therefore not tied to him and is free to walk away. However, for you to do anything to stand in the way of this potential marriage will see you interfering and could cause difficulties for her and her family. Consider how you standing in the way could affect things for her.

Also, as a man, try to be empathic for the feelings of her current fiancé. How would you feel if the person you were set to marry showed no interest in you and spent all night talking to another man?

I’m in Love with an Engaged Girl - About Islam

Also, consider how such late-night conversations with her will be impacting her ability to develop any kind of relationship with him. This will inevitably lead to difficulties between them as she is giving all her time to you and not him which might explain why things are not working between them.

Do Things with Proper Manner

Whichever route you take, I would encourage you to cut any contact with her for now aside from that which is necessary for work purposes as you can see how this has led to the development of intense feelings.

If you decide to try and take things forward, make sure to do so in a proper manner. Seek a proposal through her mahram (guardian). If you choose to move on then be confident that there are plenty of other good women out there to marry. Women with whom, with time, you will develop these same intimate feelings for.

Starting a marriage in a proper way with whomever it may be provides the ideal start to marriage. It must be compliant with the Islamic approach and, therefore, more pleasing to Allah and more rewarding for you.

As you consider these things, pray istikhara so that Allah may support you and guide you to make the best choice for you and that which will be more pleasing to Him.

May Allah guide you on the straight path and grant you a righteous spouse who will be the coolness of your eyes in this life and the next.

Amen,

***

Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

Read more:

I’m in Love with a Sikh Girl

Marry Me or Not? My Fiancé is Confused

Before Marriage, How to Know She is The One?




About Hannah Morris

Hannah Morris is a mum of 4 and she currently works as Counsellor and Instructor of BSc. Psychology at the Islamic Online University (IOU). She obtained her MA degree in Psychology and has over 10 years of experience working in health and social care settings in the UK, USA, and Ireland. Check out her personal Facebook page, ActiveMindCare, that promotes psychological well-being in the Ummah. (www.facebook.com/activemindcare)

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