I have been crying and asking for forgiveness from Allah and want to marry and spend my life with her in an Islamic way, but my mother and brothers are not accepting the girl. I cannot live without her.
She is ready to leave her past behind and to start her new life after asking forgiveness from Allah.
I am very broken because my family members are not supporting me. They barely talk, they beat me, they have abandoned each and every activity of mine. It feels like there is no one who will listen to me. What should I do?
Answer
In this counseling answer:
“If you still feel that the girl is the only one you want to spend the rest of your life with, and if she has repented of her sins and is ready to start a new life with you, I would advise you to perform Istikhara and ask Allah for guidance about the decision.”
As-Salamu Alaykum,
Brother, you are, indeed, in a difficult situation. What I understand from your post is that you have been involved in sexual activity with a prostitute, and you now feel that you are in love with her and cannot spend your life without her. However, your family is not ready to accept the girl even though the girl has repented of her sins.
“For one of you to be stabbed in the head with an iron needle is better for him than to touch a woman who is not permissible to him.” [At-Tabarani – Sahih]
First and foremost, you must ask Allah for forgiveness and mercy, and may He forgive you and the girl both from His mercy.
Marriage
Brother, you do understand that marriage is a very delicate matter and it is not just a union of two individuals, but rather a union of two families in our culture. As a son, your parents must have high aspirations regarding their daughter in law as it is a matter of family honor.
So, it is understandable that they are averse to the idea of such a girl being their daughter in law.
In fact, I think you should ask yourself as well why you want to marry the girl. What is it that you like about her, what do you find attractive and so on? It is highly likely that what you are experiencing is infatuation – not love.
Infatuation
Infatuation is defined as a state of being “carried away”. It usually occurs at the start of a relationship, when the sexual attraction is very strong. Infatuation is like addiction and it is based on lust rather than love.
If you only wish to marry her because of the sexual attraction you feel for her, I am afraid the marriage won’t last long because the attraction will eventually fade away with time. Right now, you’re at an age where you’re thinking about the relationship emotionally rather than logically.
Reasons for marriage
Consider the following ahadith regarding marriage.
“A woman is married for her deen, her wealth or her beauty. You must go for the one with deen, may your hands be in the dust! (if you fail to heed)” [Muslim]
“Choose carefully for your seed. Marry those who are equivalent (or “qualified”) and give to them in marriage.” [Ibn Majah]
From the hadith above, it is evident that you must choose a woman for marriage based on her piety.
Secondly, it is important to understand that the woman will be the mother of your children and future generations. You definitely need to consider all these things when thinking about marrying a woman.
However, despite everything, if you still feel that the girl is the only one you want to spend the rest of your life with, and if she has repented of her sins and is ready to start a new life with you, I would advise you to perform Istikhara and ask Allah for guidance about the decision.
Istikhara
After performing an Istikhara, it will be easier for you to reach a conclusion. If there are negative signs or hindrances in marriage, it would be best to break all forms of contact with the girl. Leave the thoughts about marrying the girl and focus on your future, career and other things. InshaAllah, with time you will find the right partner who is good for your Deen and worldly life.
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On the other hand, if you have positive signs and feelings about marriage with the girl after an Istikhara, and you are absolutely sure that she has changed her ways, I would advise you to marry her as soon as possible so that you both do not maintain a “non-permissible” relationship.
After marriage treatment
If you marry the girl based on your trust in her, be sure to be kind to her and do not refer to her past as it would really hurt her. For that reason, I would also advise you that you both move to a place where nobody recognizes her, after marriage. Since any reference to her past will not only hurt her but also disgrace your family honor and can cause complications.
Be kind to your family, especially your parents and look after their needs as it is your responsibility. But do not force them to accept your choice regarding your marriage as they may never be able to do so.
Therefore, it would be best that you keep your wife separate from them unless your family themselves wishes to see her or include her in the family activities.
Considering your young age, it is likely that you do not have an income yet to support a wife on your own. Therefore, if you two decide to wait a few years for marriage, make sure that you do not maintain an impermissible relationship.
According to Hadith,
“A man cannot be alone with a woman except along with a male relative [of hers].” [Bukhari & Muslim]
Remember that intention is the most important part of any action. Your wife’s religious education is your duty; therefore, ensure that she gets proper knowledge of Islam. Read, learn and understand the Quran with her. Recite the five times daily prayer yourself and also encourage her to do the same.
May Allah help you make the right decision that is good for you, your family, your Deen and your life.
Amen,
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Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.
