I Prayed Istikhara, but I’m Still Unsure About This Marriage

18 August, 2019
Q I did istikhara about marrying someone. I read that if you still have an inclination towards marrying this person, then that's a good sign. I did istikhara I think a year ago. Whenever I say I am going to give up on him (not directly to him), he comes back into my life.

Most people that I have spoken to about him have been negative due to jealousy (I know this because they've been negative whenever anything good would happen to me). Others have been negative just because he’s not the same race as me.

What should I do?

Answer


In this counseling answer:

• I kindly suggest dear sister, that insha’Allah if this talk continues, you give them reminders from the Qur’an about their sinful ways regarding racism and backbiting.

• When we make istikhara prayer, it is important that we don’t interject our own wants and desires into the prayer.

• Please look at whether or not he is stringing you along or playing with your feelings.

• As you have already felt like “giving up on him” several times dear sister, perhaps he is not the one for you.  Perhaps it is time to move on.


As salamu Alaykum,

Thank you for writing to us. As I understand your question, you would like to marry someone, and you did istikhara prayer and got a positive response. You are basing the response on your inclination towards still wanting to marry this person every time he comes back in your life.

Racism and Backbiting

Sister, you stated that others have spoken negatively about the man you would like to marry. You feel this is due to jealousy. Those that say negative things about him base their negativity on his ethnic or racial identity. They are acting in a very sinful in her own way.

I Prayed Istikhara, but I’m Still Unsure About This Marriage - About Islam

As you know we are all equal before Allah, with the only matter counting is the condition of our heart. In Islam, all are equal and there is to be no racism. I kindly suggest dear sister, that insha’Allah if this talk continues, you give them reminders from the Qur’an about their sinful ways regarding racism and backbiting. Once you’ve given them the reminders, I will kindly suggest that you either avoid these people or walk away when they start talking backbiting and talking racist.

Istikhara Prayer & Marriage

Sister, you did state that istikhara prayer results were positive. However,  you also say you are going to give up on him and he comes back in your life and you see this as a sign from your istikhara prayer.

When we make istikhara prayer, it is important that we don’t interject our own wants and desires into the prayer. Perhaps you care about this person and this is the outcome you desire. Perhaps the man coming and leaving your is a sign that it is not a good match. Perhaps this is the sign. As Muslims, we also need to approach our prayers and decisions with the utmost trust in Allah as well as use common sense as to what is good for our deen.

Questions to Consider

Sister, I would like you to ask yourself- why does he keep coming in and out of your life? Are you in contact with him? Did he propose marriage to you? Is he someone with a reputable character who would make a good husband? Would he bring you closer to Allah?


Check out this counseling video:


Also, please look at whether or not he is stringing you along or playing with your feelings. Sadly, sometimes some people will pop in and out of another person’s life whenever they feel like it because they can. In other words, they don’t want to make a commitment and they are not serious.  They just like the attention they get when they show up. If this is the case this is not the person for you.

Allah knows Best

If this person is truly meant for you it will be. Allah closes doors and Allah opens them. Nothing will pass you by sister that is meant for you. In regard to whether or not this person is to be your husband will depend on if he is meant for you. If he is, he will be honorable in his actions, words, and deeds. He will not come and go year after year-but he will propose and make you his wife. As you have already felt like “giving up on him” several times dear sister, perhaps he is not the one for you.  Perhaps it is time to move on.

We wish you the best. You’re in our prayers.

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Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

Read more:

Stop Loving Someone Who Doesn’t Love You

How to Stop Loving Someone Who Doesn’t Love You

I Don’t Feel I Love Her Anymore

About Aisha Mohammad
Aisha received her PhD in psychology in 2000 and an MS in public health in 2009. Aisha worked as a Counselor/Psychologist for 12 years for Geneva B. Scruggs Community Health Care Center in New York. Aisha specializes in trauma, depression, anxiety, substance abuse, marriage/relationships issues, as well as community-cultural dynamics. She is certified in Restorative Justice/ Healing Circles, Conflict Resolution, Mediation, and is also a certified Life Coach.
Aisha works at a Family Resource Center, and has a part-time practice in which she integrates healing and spirituality using a holistic approach. Aisha plans to open a holistic care counseling center for Muslims and others in the New York area in the future, in sha' Allah. Aisha is also a part of several organizations that advocate for social & food justice. In her spare time she enjoys her family, martial arts classes, Islamic studies as well as working on her book and spoken word projects.