As-Salamu `Alaikum dear sister,
Thank you for your question . It is very normal that you feel grief and confusion after a break up. Ending a relationship is a painful experience for anyone, and it could be even more painful if the break up was sudden and not explained, and if the relationship was a long one which included dreams of starting a new life of marriage and love. May Allah ease your pains and make it easy for you to work on your emotional healing.
Your feelings that you cannot stop thinking of him are natural as some research showed that the chemical process that goes in the brain as a result of bonding and attachment is similar to that of drug addiction, therefore the separation from a lover creates a series of reactions in the brain that are somehow similar to that of withdrawal from drug addiction. That is why it could be a painful and difficult process.
However, dear sister, you have to be clear with yourself that this relationship is now over. Of course, it has not been ended in a sensible way which made the situation unclear for you; but from your side, you have to consider that this relationship is over and you need to move on. Your time and your feelings are precious and you have to give them to the person who deserves and values them.
Don’t worry; you will find him soon at the right time, in sha’ Allah. This man has not been clear with you from the beginning as you state in your question. He stayed for about 5 years with you not making it clear for you what his plans for this relationship were. I consider this attitude as irresponsible and indecisive. It could be even worse if he has not been honest with you; maybe from the beginning he did not have the plan of marriage in his mind and just wanted to spend some time in this relationship.
In all instances dear sister, we have to say that this relationship was not a halal relationship as there was no declared agreement on marriage. (I believe it has not been known to your parents either). Hence, Allah has saved you from a relationship that has been harmful to you, and in sha’ Allah He wants you to get a much better and halalrelationship. When Allah decrees something for us, then that thing should be for our good.
Now, you have to start thinking of how to heal your emotional pain, move on and start opening your senses to the new love that is in sha’ Allah healthy, rich, and halallove. For one to heal emotionally, there are some tips to follow and that will in sha’ Allah help you in this.
First, you have to acknowledge your pain and know that it is normal. You also have to allow yourself to feel that pain and to let it out in any form(s) that suit you, be it through crying, talking to someone trustworthy, through writing, etc. One way also could be through imagining that person and talking to him. You can choose a time and place where you are alone. Put a chair in front of you and start talking to it as if it was this man. Tell him everything you want. Shout and do whatever you feel. Meanwhile, you need to have some time alone with Allah as well talking to Him and telling Him all about your pains and your needs.
It is also very helpful to surround yourself with good, warm support from people you love and trust, and people who will be supportive, caring of you and not judgmental. This support system could be good for you to let out your thoughts and emotions. However, try to keep talking about the experience to a certain limit and to not keep focusing on the negative thoughts and emotions. Ask them to help you regain your self-esteem and move on in your life.
At other times, try to spend some peaceful time alone may be sitting calmly by the sea or walking among the trees and meditating and breathing deeply. This peaceful time alone can be also spent in things you enjoy doing alone like some artwork, or writing, or listening to the recitation of the Qur’an, etc. This time alone is important for you to be able to feel peaceful and happy on your own. Take time to nurture yourself. Make a list of things you do when you like to pamper yourself. Some people like to go to the spa or have a massage; others like to have a meal in the restaurant they like; may be going to the hairdresser and having a new haircut or a new hair color, etc.
Gradually, when you feel yourself ready to do that, try to get involved in some community or charity work or in any group activities that are meaningful to you and where you feel you are helping others in a meaningful way.
It could also be very helpful to seek the help of a professional counselor to step by step take you out of this difficult time and to guide you in your journey of self exploration and self growth.
It has been found through research that the type of attachment and bonding that we get as children influences the types of relationships we choose as adults. It means that if a child is not given enough love, attention, support, care, encouragement and other forms of positive attachment from his parents, when he grows, there is a great probability that he will search for relationships that will give him the same type of attachment he got as a child.
Thus, he might keep going from one unhealthy relationship to another. The solution here is to break that cycle by working on getting to know one’s self and trying to heal from whatever negative influences his childhood is having on him as an adult. This is a quite long journey of self exploration and self growth. However, when done with the help of a professional counselor, it could be easier and done in a systematic way that could yield effective results in one’s life.
In the end dear sister, I know it must be a very difficult time you are going through and that it has been a hard experience; however, after some time, along with your healing process, in sha’ Allah you will be able to see the mercy of Allah in such a trial. Surely, Allah has some wisdom in sending this experience to you. Allah sends us trials to make us stronger and wiser and to help us in our way of self knowledge and self growth which is essential in our path toward Allah.
Keep praying and making du`aa’ that Allah heals your heart and lightens your path and guides you to what is best for you.
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