I Am In Love with My Classmate Who Doesn’t Wear the Hijab

14 July, 2019
Q Assalamu alaikum,

I’ve liked a girl, who is a classmate of mine, for a few months. We talk to each other daily like friends. I am thinking of asking her parents for her hand in marriage right after I graduate from college, but I am confused.

The problem is that although she is very kind, pretty, and a good Muslim, she does not wear hijab. Despite all, I can't stop thinking of her. As a guy, I have this jealousy thing too. Should I get married to her? How can I encourage her to wear hijab? Will Allah hold me accountable if she doesn't wear it?

Answer


In this counseling answer:

While not wearing a hijab is not in alignment with what Muslim women are supposed to follow, it is certainly not an indication of her being a bad Muslim.

Get to know her and her family in a halal way to determine her character first.

Examine your motives regarding her wearing a hijab.


As salamu Alaykum,

Thank you for writing to us, brother. As I understand your situation you are classmates with a girl whom you have liked for the past few months. You are thinking of asking for her hand in marriage after you graduate from college, but you are confused. You state that she is very kind, pretty, and a good Muslim, but she does not wear a hijab.

Non-Hijab Muslima

Brother, if she is a good Muslim, keeps her prayers, fasts during Ramadan, treats other people with respect, kindness, is caring, guards her chastity and modesty, does works of charity, as well as other Islamic requirements and attributes, then in shaa’ Allah you may seriously consider marrying her.

I Am In Love with My Classmate Who Doesn't Wear the Hijab - About Islam

While not wearing a hijab is not in alignment with what Muslim women are supposed to follow, it is certainly not an indication of her being a bad Muslim. There are some sisters who do wear hijab all the time as well as abaya‘s for covering, yet, they do not keep their prayers, or they may engage in backbiting, gossiping about others, or other sinful behaviors.

What I’m trying to explain is that a Muslim’s exterior does not always reflect the interior heart and spirituality.

Character and Goodness

Brother, I kindly urge you to get to know her in a halal way to determine her character first. If her character is as you say, she would make a wonderful wife in shaa’ Allah. In time, you may wish to speak to her about wearing hijab.

Perhaps not wearing hijab is common in her family. It may be that it is not something that she truly thought deeply about, and instead focused on her relationship with Allah, kindness to others, as well as other nice qualities that Muslim women should have.

It may be that when you do discuss hijab with her in shaa’ Allah, she will understand its significance and importance. You may wish to explain this to her from a spiritual perspective rather than one from a jealous position (as you stated you were jealous) so she does not feel as if it is a condition or order.


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In shaa’ Allah, she will respond favorably. If she does not, however, you may wish to consider whether or not all of her good qualities outweigh this one deficit. When considering this please do consider your issues with jealousy to ensure that you would be able to treat her with respect and dignity should she decide not to wear hijab.

Marriage, Trust, and Jealousy

As marriage is built on kindness, trust, and mercy, In shaa’ Allah anyone that is your wife (hijab or none) you should have trust in. Usually, jealousy stems from one’s own lack of self-esteem and fear of losing something or someone.

In this case, it is related to the showing of hair and sexual attraction because of it, and possible fear of loss. Insha’Allah if you do decide to approach her for marriage and you do discuss hijab, you may wish to point out the spiritual requirements as well as give her illustrations of the Prophet’s wives as well as current illustrations of Muslim women in today’s society.

You may also wish to examine if it is jealousy that bothers you about her not wearing hijab. Hijab is not meant to benefit a husband in terms of blocking jealousy but is between a woman and her Lord.  If you are concerned that she is not in compliance with hijab and you worry about her spirituality, that is more reasonable. Please examine your motives regarding her wearing a hijab.

Accountability for One’s Wife

As far as Allah holding you accountable if she does not wear hijab, it is my understanding that we are all individually accountable to Allah for what we do or don’t do. Given this premise, she will be accountable to Allah not to you.

However, I am not an Islamic scholar so please do ask our “Ask the Scholar” section for further clarification on this.

Conclusion

Brother, she sounds like a wonderful sister and it sounds as if she would make a good wife in shaa’ Allah. She sounds very pious and of a good character. Please get to know her and her family in a halal manner before making a final decision.

If you find that her character is what you think it is, discusses the hijab with her. Please respect what she chooses regarding wearing the hijab. It is actually between her and Allah. If you decide to accept her not wearing a hijab and decided to focus on her inner spirituality and goodness and kindness and her relationship with Allah, alhamdulillah.

If you feel that you cannot get over worrying about her religion, or jealousy about her hair being shown, perhaps you should think of marrying somebody who does wear a hijab. Whichever way it works out brother, may Allah bless you in your efforts.

Salam,

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Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

Read more:

Before You Judge Your Non-Hijabi Sister…

New Muslim: Can I Wear Hijab Sometimes, Not Full-Time?

Is Love an Essential Ingredient Before Marriage?

About Aisha Mohammad
Aisha received her PhD in psychology in 2000 and an MS in public health in 2009. Aisha worked as a Counselor/Psychologist for 12 years for Geneva B. Scruggs Community Health Care Center in New York. Aisha specializes in trauma, depression, anxiety, substance abuse, marriage/relationships issues, as well as community-cultural dynamics. She is certified in Restorative Justice/ Healing Circles, Conflict Resolution, Mediation, and is also a certified Life Coach.
Aisha works at a Family Resource Center, and has a part-time practice in which she integrates healing and spirituality using a holistic approach. Aisha plans to open a holistic care counseling center for Muslims and others in the New York area in the future, in sha' Allah. Aisha is also a part of several organizations that advocate for social & food justice. In her spare time she enjoys her family, martial arts classes, Islamic studies as well as working on her book and spoken word projects.