I am in love with someone, but I am afraid to perform Istikhara. I did supplication instead. I asked, "Oh Allah I love one of your servants, so if he is good for me, then join us together in halal under your satisfaction, but if he does not then turn him away from me and don't let my heart get attached to him".
I did this supplication every day, it has been around a year since I first started but I am still in love with this person. The person whom I love doesn’t even know that I love him. He is a good boy, I know a lot about him and so does my family. My family wants me to find a good spouse, they are not forcing me to marry someone I don't like. However, I did refuse one proposal this year because I am already in love, I told them that I don't want to go to another country.
They don't know that I love this person. I am shy to tell them that I am in love. Should I have told one of my siblings that I am in love? I don't even talk with the one I love; I want it to be in halal if he is the one. I don't talk to boys. I want you to help me and advise me. Jazakillahu Khairan
In this counseling answer:
• If you are closer to your father, speak to him, or if you are closer to your mother, speak to her. However, sometimes siblings or aunts can be icebreakers for girls who are kind of shy.
• Pray Istikhara (a prayer asking for guidance) first.
• If marriage with this individual is good for you in this world and in the hereafter, then Allah SWT will surely make it easy for you. However, if it is not a blessing for you in this world and in the next, then Allah SWT will guide you towards what is best.
• Compatibility is very important in life. So know well how you imagine your life, your future.
Assalamu alaikum dear sister,
Thank you for placing your trust in our ability to propose a solution to your current situation. I am glad to hear that you are someone who loves Allah SWT and are trying hard to be on the right path.
From what you have said, I believe that your love for this man is genuine and beautiful. I am also glad to hear to have never spoken to him but wish to marry him the halal way. Rest assured that when Allah’s slave tries to ensure that he/she follows the right path and tries to remain on the right path out of fear and love for Allah, then Allah will do what is best for him/her, inshaAllah.
I understand that it is hard to let your parents or siblings know that you have feelings of love for someone. However, if your parents know this man, and they have a good opinion of him, and they are not forcing you to marry someone you are not interested in, then you should have nothing to fear.
You must let your parents know. If you are closer to your father, speak to him, or if you are closer to your mother, speak to her. However, sometimes siblings or aunts can be icebreakers for girls who are kind of shy. Do you have an elder or a younger sibling who you think is mature enough to share this information with your parents?
If you consider that this is a good starting point, then you can make him/her start the conversation in your absence by starting a dialogue concerning your shyness and your parents will continue the discussion with you inshaAllah. Or, you can also consider speaking to one of your parents concerning your readiness for marriage and the fact that you will be completing your education soon enough.
However, if I were in your shoes, I would pray Istikhara (a prayer asking for guidance) first.
In Sahih Bukhari, it is narrated that:
“The Messenger of Allah used to teach his Companions to perform Istikharah in all matters/: ‘If any one of you is contemplative about a decision he must make, then let him pray two Rak’ahs of non-obligatory prayer, then say the dua.”
Now, let me make this clear, many people believe that praying Istikhara will somehow lead to a dream in which the answer can be interpreted. This is completely wrong. Istikhara prayer is there to guide you. It is a means of guidance, and by persisting in asking Allah for his guidance He will steer you towards what is good for you and prevent the bad from happening.
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If marriage with this individual is good for you in this world and in the hereafter, then Allah SWT will surely make it easy for you. However, if it is not a blessing for you in this world and in the next, then Allah SWT will guide you towards what is best. You must simply pray and Ask Allah to ease your affairs and give what is good and to have patience in the outcome even if it hurts you because you believe in what Allah has chosen.
However, it is disliked to ‘hasten’ in seeking the answer to one’s istikhara, like other supplications, because the Prophet ﷺ said, “Your prayers are answered, unless you hasten, saying, ‘I prayed, but no answer came.’” (Sunan Abu -Dawud)
Allah SWT says in the Quran,
“And will provide for him from where he does not expect. And whoever relies upon Allah – then He is sufficient for him. Indeed, Allah will accomplish His purpose. Allah has already set for everything a [decreed] extent.” (Quran 65:3)
Allah SWT also says in the Quran,
And said, ‘Ask forgiveness of your Lord. Indeed, He is ever a Perpetual Forgiver. He will send [rain from] the sky upon you in [continuing] showers and give you increase in wealth and children and provide for you gardens and provide for you rivers. (Quran 71: 10-12)
These verses from the Quran are referring to prosperity, wealth and children, and children come from marriage. Therefore, dear sister, read it as much as it as possible.
I feel that when you read pray Istikhara for some time and ask Allah for his forgiveness and guidance then you will have strong feelings towards what is right and what is wrong, and essentially what is right will become easier and what is not will move away from you.
In addition, dear sister, you must not fantasize about this brother. I understand that you know him and have a good opinion of him. However, this does not ensure that it is absolutely a must that he will be the best match for you. You must consider your own life before you consider marriage with this brother with all certainty.
Compatibility is very important in life. Do you have certain educational goals that you want to fulfill? Are you interested in working or pursuing a potential life goal? How would you define yourself religiously? These are very important questions that makeup one’s life. Simply being “religious” does not make one the best match. It may be that he is interested in a woman who is not at all like you. There are all kinds of possible situations.
Therefore, dear sister, I suggest that you yourself speak with him and decide based on what you imagine your life like in the next ten years.
I pray that Allah SWT grants you what is the best for you.
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