A while ago, one of my distant relatives back home approached me through Facebook with the intention of marriage. I told him I would marry him if my parents agree. Eventually as both of our families came to know about this, the idea spread that it was me who initiated it. He and his family were responsible for this rumor.
He basically used me to pass his time, and then told me he couldn't marry me because I wasn't attractive enough. Because of this, my whole family thinks I have a character problem when in reality this guy was in a few relationships while leading me on.
Now, I am suffering while he leads a perfect life with many women, a great job, and a good education. He drinks and takes drugs, but everyone thinks he is innocent. All the while, I have fallen into severe depression, I can't function properly, I couldn't finish my degree, and I can't find a job.
I want to know; how can I stop myself from feeling this severe guilt and regret? How do I let go of the past and move on, when everything in my life is ruined? Why did this happen to me, even though I tried to do it correctly with my parents’ approval? Please advise me. Thank you.
Answer
In this counseling answer:
• Dear sister, the haram and the forbidden acts only seem to bring about happiness and pleasure for a little while before leaving us haunted. You see him happy, but it is fake happiness at the end.
• Remember how the Prophet (SAW)’s wife, Aisha (RA), was slandered, and how she dealt with the situation.
• The first step towards filling your mind with positivity is devoting time towards an activity that you truly enjoy, and focusing on making it your passion, your work, and potentially even your career.
• Decide what you want in life.
• Set goals that will stretch you.
Assalamu alaikum dear sister,
I am sorry to hear of the troubles that you have gone through. I would like you to remember that, in this life, every single one of us goes through problems and issues. Many people around you have gone through many problems, and the ones you think are living an easy life are the ones who focus on the good and try to avoid the negative.
I can understand that it must feel awful to see someone who tried to ruin you being happy. However, dear sister, think about what happiness truly is. You mentioned that he is taking drugs and is with many women. Is that true happiness?
He is involved in what is clearly forbidden in Islam. Dear sister, the haram and the forbidden acts only seem to bring about happiness and pleasure for a little while before leaving us haunted. Why does it matter how people perceive him? In the end, only Allah’s opinion matters. What people think or say about you doesn’t matter.
Dear sister, nothing in your life is ruined and it is solely dependent on you. Your life is what you make of it. Why are you dwelling on the past? Be thankful that you were kept away from someone who is clearly not on the path of Allah.
True happiness is found in the remembrance of Allah, in the acknowledgment of His presence, and in the realization of His commands. In my opinion, the rumors surrounding you are there to make your belief in Allah stronger.
Remember that even the Prophet (SAW)’s wife, Aisha (RA), was slandered. I suggest you read about this if you haven’t previously.
Seek strength from Allah: Supplicate to Him
Realize the words of Allah,
‘If My slaves ask you about Me, I am near. I answer the call of the caller when he calls on Me.’ [Qur’an 2:185]
I strongly believe that you are not prioritizing your life properly. Dear sister, your cousin is nothing to you. He is simply another human being and has no connection to you at this point. Allah SWT saved you from what is wrong, although you had to go through a lot of hardship, you are now more knowledgeable about how to approach certain circumstances and situations in life.
Allah SWT says in the Quran,
“So, do not weaken and do not grieve, and you will be superior if you are [true] believers.” (Quran 3:139)
Never in the Quran, or in the sayings of the Prophet Muhammed SAW, will you find that you are asked to despair, fall into hopelessness, and isolate yourself while constantly thinking about your troubles. Instead, you are asked to see every situation from a positive angle and see growth.
The first step towards filling your mind with positivity is devoting time towards an activity that you truly enjoy, and focusing on making it your passion, your work, and potentially even your career. Your life is in your mind before it is a reality. You need to imagine a life for yourself, pray for it, and work for it.
Dear sister, bad things and good things make life happen.
Find yourself a passion
- The intention to please Allah.
- The intention to do good to people
- The intention to remove the evil deeds that you have done
You need to find yourself a passion. A passion that will not only render you satisfied but also occupy your mind and prevent you from falling back into negative thoughts.
But the question arises: “how do I find out what exactly I am passionate about? How do I know?” Remember, your passion would answer these three questions:
- What subject could I read 500 books about without getting bored?
- What could I do for five years straight without getting paid?
- What would I spend my time doing if I had a complete financial abundance to do anything?
Therefore, once you find an activity that successfully fits the three requirements above, invest time in it and increase your productivity towards it.
Check out this counseling video:
Thoughts that promote hopelessness are not going to steer you in the right direction. Not only will they distract you from becoming productive, but it will also distract you from preparing yourself for the afterlife.
You do not need to acknowledge everything that comes your way. It is at this point in your life that you need to become goal-oriented and not let any hurdles bring you down.
To summarize:
- Decide what you want in life. To get what you want, you must first decide what you want.
- Be willing to dream big dreams. When you consider what you want to be and are willing to dream big, you will see how little insults from even your own family become meaningless because your mind is set on something even bigger.
- Set goals that will stretch you, that will make you work harder and see the benefits in improving yourself to be of service to others.
Dear sister, sometimes what we perceive to storm makes us strong. As they say, “a calm sea never made a skilled sailor”.
Connect with people
Sometimes, staying home and not meeting new people hinders us and leaves us more prone to being stuck in the past. Therefore, I suggest that you get involved in activities relating to your local mosque, volunteer work, or simply spend more time with your friends doing activities that you enjoy.
In conclusion, I really think that in certain cases you may need to force yourself to change for the better as the negativity in your mind will constantly bring you down. In shaa’ Allah, your life will change for the better when you force your mind to focus on a goal and a vision and work hard on achieving it.
Salam,
***
Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.
Read more: