I have a couple of issues:
1. My anger. When I get triggered, I feel something inside my head twist. This is when lots of thoughts come into mind that further anger me till I lash out. However, recently I read about cognitive rehearsal by Dr. Burns and I feel that if I follow the technique consistently, I can tame and control my angry outbursts.
2. I feel like I will sabotage my relationship with my husband due to having no interests. I tried reading, cooking, etc. Basically, he loves his friends and he is a very outgoing person and gets involved in things, and I feel terrible about myself that I am not like that.
I wait for his call all day and this is the only gratification I get; when he calls. He is an amazing guy, but I hate that I don’t have anything to pursue. It’s been like this since I was a child, I’ve always relied on others to entertain me. If there is nothing, I daydream a lot. When I was a kid my daydreams were modest, about fantasy creatures, but now they are mostly sexual as other fantasies don’t help with my boredom.
My college will start next year. I tried looking for a job, but due to my lack of experience, I get rejected. I live in a small town and here, you can’t go anywhere without a car. So, I’m basically stuck at home all day. I don’t want to burden my parents more with my expenses either, but I am happy I get to travel to New York every now and then.
Aside from cleaning, cooking, showering, etc. which is done in no more than 2-3 hours, I have nothing to do nor do I feel like doing anything due to my lack of energy. The frustration is making me want to stop praying and fasting too because food is my pleasure and now that I can’t even enjoy that I am dying out of boredom.
My sister is like that too, but she is married. She was so bored despite having a job that she decided to try for a baby but now that they have a baby, she is still bored and is on her phone all day. All while her husband is the one who has friends and pursues his hobbies.
I noticed that I started to behave like her out of resentment towards my future husband. I hate that he has friends and all these things he enjoys, and I hate it when those things take away his time from me. I want him to talk to me 24/7.
So, when he calls, I’m quiet and don’t say much, and I hate that because he will start to find me boring and go to his friends since they are so talkative. I am talkative but it’s when I travel and have exciting things happening that don’t require mental energy.
When I’m back to mundane life I have nothing to talk about. I do have friends but unlike him, I prioritize him and would rather talk to him than my friends.
Answer
In this counseling answer:
Get a Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) journal.
Identify your negative thoughts, how they can hurt you and identify positive, more rational thoughts.
Use those positive thoughts in self-talk to combat the negative thoughts.
Identify a positive coping skill to calm yourself when angry.
Select 2 hobbies you are most interested in trying and invest at least 2 weeks in trying them.
Talk to your intended about hobbies he may want to enjoy with you.
Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatuulahi wa barakatu,
Thank you for writing in and expressing your concerns with us. It is my understanding that you are concerned about your anger as well as your lack of hobbies and interests to discuss with your intended husband.
Please take comfort in knowing you can resolve these concerns in sha’ Allah.
Anger Problems
Let us begin with your question about anger. It is great to see that you are already taking steps to work on your anger by reading about forms of cognitive behavioral therapy online.
To break down CBT, think of it as a triangle. One point says behaviors, another emotion, and third thoughts. Our behaviors, thoughts, and emotions are all linked.
If you consciously change your thoughts you will, in turn, change your emotions which alters your behaviors. Just as if you change your behavioral patterns it could impact your emotions which will alter your thought patterns.
Step one is to get a journal and identify your negative thought patterns which lead to the anger, or as we call it, cognitive distortions. Here are some of the most common distortions, read these over and decide what you think fits your thought patterns best.
1- All-or-Nothing Thinking: Looking at things in black or white categories. If you don’t fully succeed, then you see you yourself as a failure.
2- Discounting the Positive: Focusing on the negative while ignoring your good qualities. In this way, you might focus on what you perceive as negative and that is all you focus on.
3- Overgeneralization: Negative events such as having a bad phone call with your intended turn into a never-ending pattern of failure in your mind as if you will always have bad phone calls and can never be good at communication.
4- Mental Filtering: Focusing on one issue, as if this one concern reflects your entire self.
5- Magnification and Minimization: Making a mountain out of a molehill as many say, blowing things out of proportion or diminishing their importance.
Once you recognize which distortion fits you the best, and it could be multiple, write that down in your journal. You want a visual reminder of how you often distort your own perceptions and turn them negative.
Whenever you feel anger brewing inside of you, get that journal out and write down the thoughts in your mind.
We find more clarity when we put our thoughts on paper in front of us, not just in our mind. Next to that negative thought, write down how this thought could hurt you.
Then write down a thought which counteracts the original negative one. This exercise is you identifying the distorted/harmful thoughts then consciously combating them with positive thoughts and arguments.
The more you do this, the more it will become natural and you start to do it every time you begin to feel angry. It will increase your control over time in sha’ Allah as it gives the power of self-talk.
Check out this counseling video:
Here is an example using your own words. If you are feeling angry and start thinking “I don’t have anything to pursue, I have nothing to talk about”.
This thought could hurt your self-esteem and make you look down on yourself. It could also encourage you to not pursue anything. To combat that thought, tell yourself “I am good at cooking and enjoy traveling, plus I can identify a new pursuit if I want to”.
Calming Anger in the Moment
We are human, and as such, we will feel bad sometimes. During those moments when you feel angry, take 4 deep and slow breaths focusing on the rise and fall of your chest.
Identify a positive coping skill that you can use in those moments to calm yourself down, such as going for a walk, doing some pushups, doing dhikr, painting, or listening to music.
It is important not to argue with your husband/fiancé when you feel angry. We are not constructive or active listeners while angry, we are defensive and tend to only push for our perspective.
Interests and Hobbies
Sister, you can start a new hobby any day you choose. The key is to make yourself actually do it! Get that journal out again and write down 5 hobbies you could do in your local area or online.
Read online about each of those hobbies so you have a good understanding of what they entail and materials you will need.
Next, select 2 out of the 5 that seem most interesting to you. Narrow that down a little more and pick which one of those two you want to try first.
Dedicate two weeks to this hobby even if it gets frustrating on day one. For two weeks, spend some time working on it and immerse yourself into it as much as you can.
For example, if you picked photography then try different types of photos such as waterscapes and animals.
Join social media groups related to photography and talk to other photographers. After 2 weeks, you can decide to keep going with this hobby if you start to feel interested in it or you can try the next one.
You mention being very interested in your fiancé and wanting his time. You could always consider talking to him about his interests and asking which one he would like to do with you. He may get excited and say he would love to have you do it with him.
You only have one year before college. I promise you will get busy then and you’ll make new friends in sha’ Allah. Schools also have clubs you could join related to your chosen hobby.
Final Thoughts
Dear sister, it is a great sign that you are focused on ensuring you are ready for marriage.
To summarize your steps on moving forward;
– Get a Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) journal.
– Identify your negative thoughts, how they can hurt you and identify positive, more rational thoughts.
– Use those positive thoughts in self-talk to combat the negative thoughts.
– Identify a positive coping skill to calm yourself when angry.
– Select 2 hobbies you are most interested in trying and invest at least 2 weeks in trying them.
– Talk to your intended about hobbies he may want to enjoy with you.
In sha’ Allah you can work on your anger and find a new hobby that will interest you. College will be starting soon, and this can help you not only make new friends but join school organizations.
May Allah make it easy for you and grant you a happy marriage,
Ameen.
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Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.