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Fiancée Refuses to Talk About Feelings

Questioner

D

Reply Date

Apr 12, 2019

Question

Salam Aleykum. I have been talking to a girl regarding marriage, and we are getting to know each other now to see if we're compatible. I've always been a sensitive type and I like to talk about feelings, opinions and have long discussions. However, I've noticed that she's very straightforward and direct. She tries to avoid discussions if possible, and when we do talk about feelings and such, she's very practical about them and doesn't seem to ponder over them.

This makes me feel as if I can't express myself around her and that my feelings about life, in general, are invalid as she doesn't want to have discussions about them. She's a good person; she prays, fasts read Quran and is active in her community. She's also very fun to talk to and our conversations are full of energy and never silent, which I like. But I just miss that extra step, that deep part of inner feelings I just can't find. What should I do? Should I even continue with this person?

Counselor

Answer


Fiancée Refuses to Talk About Feelings

In this counseling answer:

• Talk to her about your feelings regarding this matter. Talk about it directly and honestly. There is no shame in discussing your feelings with a potential spouse as long as it is done respectfully.

• Meet her in person as much as possible as well as her family members and friends (if you can). Understand her social circle, her culture, interests, family life, etc., and let her be exposed to yours as well.

• Do not feel rushed to make a decision either. Marriage is a life-long commitment.


As-Salamu ‘Alaykum Brother,

Thank you for sending us your question. It seems like you are in the process of talking with a young woman with the intention of marriage. You write that while you noticed positive things about her character, you also noticed a very important issue she lacks and which is bothering you. You mention that you like to discuss your thoughts and feelings at length, while she appears to be the exact opposite. Her lack of interest in such topics has bothered you to the point that you are even thinking of no longer pursuing her for marriage. Now you are at a crossroads.

karim serageldin & naaila clay

As a Muslim mental health professional, who does pre-marital counseling, I would highly suggest that you talk to her about your feelings regarding this matter. Talk about it directly and honestly. There is no shame in discussing your feelings with a potential spouse as long as it is done respectfully. And since her lack of interest in discussing feelings and emotions is bothering you so much, you should definitely not shy away from talking about it directly and head-on. Tell her exactly how you feel. Better yet, try to do pre-marital counseling with a certified counselor face to face. That is actually the best route you can go.


Check out this counseling video:


If you have not met this person face to face, then I would highly suggest that you do. There are a lot of important aspects of a person’s mannerisms and character that is lost when you only converse via internet/phone.

Meet her in person as much as possible as well as her family members and friends (if you can). Understand her social circle, her culture, interests, family life, etc., and let her be exposed to yours as well. Do not feel rushed to make a decision either. Marriage is a life-long commitment and you both must enter it with knowledge and understanding of each other’s needs, expectations, world-views, mannerisms, etc.

Salam,

***

Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

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About Aliah F. Azmeh

Aliah F. Azmeh is a licensed clinical social worker who practices in Detroit, Michigan. Aliah graduated with a Master's degree in Social Work from the University of Michigan in 2007 and has experience working in the United States and overseas. Aliah currently works as a clinical social worker and provides individual, family, and marital counseling at Muslim Family Services in Detroit, MI.

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