Answer
Answer:
Wa ‘Alaikum Salaam my dear sister In Islam,
You have a few serious problems here:
One, Allah guided you after you made Istikhara, so I would be afraid for your soul if you turned away from that guidance. AND, the guidance was so wonderful and promising. The world is full of bad marriages – that is no joke! Divorce is rampant! Please, please, please go towards a marriage that promises to be good; they are a rare find! Then you, at least, will have a beautiful marriage, by the Guidance and Will of Allah, In Sha’ Allah. Any amount of time you have to wait is worth it to get a good marriage!
Two, why can’t he marry before his sister? THAT seems to be the problem standing in the way of …. Everything! There is no rule in Islam about that! That is solely a cultural thing, and when culture rules instead of Islam, that is a very serious problem that could sometimes be understood to be shirk. So, please put that conundrum to him, In Sha’ Allah.
However, number three, self-love seems to be your biggest problem. Maybe Allah Gave you this test to help you learn to love yourself before you marry. It is said that one cannot receive love if one does not love oneself. When I read your words: “I feel as if I am not any important, even in the eyes of God!” And “I’m a useless person who does not deserve any love especially in marriage” and in your last email: “this negative environment has created a very low self-esteem in me regarding my appearance.” These ideas are not the kind of advice that our beloved Prophet (SAW) gave us about how to view ourselves, or how to believe in Allah, or how to feel about our Islam. Is there a verse in the Quran that you can think of that speaks this way about a believer? Do you know of any hadith that advises Muslims to think this way about their selves? No! These are the ideas of the Shaitan. They are the corruption of him.
My dear sister in Islam, Allah did not create us to make us miserable. Allah is good, so everything from Him (which is everything) is good – we just have to figure out how! The way to do this good is to attend to what Allah says He created us for: to worship Him and to test us, and YOU are very concerned about that. In fact, it is because you think you have bad behavior, and makes you hate yourself. So, in a strange sort of “left-handed”, paradoxical sort of way, the very thing you hate in yourself is the very thing that proves that you love Allah – you are mad at yourself because you think you did wrong and that pains you.
However, Shaitan is taking your good feelings of guilt and turning them into something bad, i.e., self-hatred. Again, where in our religion does it teach us to hate ourselves over our shortcomings? What it does say is “Allah loves those who repent again and again”! So, if you do wrong, feel guilty, cry, beg Allah for forgiveness, BUT, then get up, brush the dirt off, and thank Allah that you feel guilt! And then, love yourself for what Allah gave you – the heart of a believer! And, love Allah and be grateful to Allah.
I don’t see what you did wrong in this case –what have you done to feel guilty about? You are not the one making that silly/wrong decision that the brother cannot marry until his sister is engaged!
Lastly, you also said in your last email, “In addition, this has created a very negative image about men in my mind.” My dear sister, while it is true that in this day and age of so much corruption of society, few men are good any more (and fewer are like the companions of the Prophet (SAW), who were all men, by the way), that does not mean that you cannot find a good one – AND YOU HAVE found one. Allah guided you to him in a dream and you both feel comfortable with the idea of marrying each other. So, don’t let of him get away, for the sake of your soul and for the sake of your future happiness! In Sha’ Allah.
I hope this helps. I know it is not easy to change from self-hatred to self-love. It may help to just do it and feel it – it is like a warm bath!
In Sha’ Allah,
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