Answer
Answer:
As-Salaamu ‘Alaikum my dear sister in Islam,
I recognize that not being able to have children is one of the hardest tests a woman can suffer from because mothering is what our body and hormones are designed for. Thus, not being able to have children goes against our very nature, both physically and emotionally. Furthermore, not being able to get married because you can’t have children is another blow which goes against our nature as our need for companionship is second only to our survival drive. So, I want you to know that as I woman myself, I feel your pain.
To pass such serious tests, it may help if you looked at your identity in a different way. One, our bodies are NOT ourselves, but are the housing for ourselves (our soul). That soul does not have hormones or a female shape. Furthermore, what makes a soul a Muslim soul is not whether s/he has children or not but if his/her character is pious. Allah (swt) even says that our children are of the worldly things. Our piety is determined by how we respond to our tests. Certainly, you have your fair share of those, so put them to your advantage by understanding them as opportunities you need to please Allah (swt) in order to get to Allah (swt). Corral them to serve your needs in terms of the other, higher emotional drive in you – to be safe with Allah (swt). That, more important, way of looking at your tests can serve to make you a more enlightened Muslim. Hopefully, it will make you a stronger Muslim, too, in terms of being able to deal with your unique situation.
And, yes, yes, and yes some more – approach him about marriage. You don’t want to be a hypocrite by not being truthful with him about your feelings because that would be sinful. And, you having a platonic relationship with him is also sinful. So, clean up those situations in front of Allah (swt) by doing your duty to Allah (swt) and get to the point!
However, do not do it in a way that will make him afraid that he will hurt you if he has to say “no”. Do it in a way that will make him feel comfortable talking about the subject to you. It is probably going to be awkward no matter how you do it, but at least do your best.
Also, let him know that whatever he says in answer to your questions will be okay with you (if he has to refuse you, for whatever reason, or if he is not attracted to you in that way that is okay because being married to a man who does not want you is a recipe for a bad marriage).
The way to do that is to do a couple of things:
One, solicit information about his feelings about marriage – not about marrying you.
Two, preface any direct questions about marriage or about marrying you with “disclaimers”. Don’t just say: “Will you marry me?” Rather, let him know that you need to ask him some questions (in the plural) and that he can say “no” to any of them that he wants. So, if he says “no”, it will be okay with you, because even if it hurts (and it is going to hurt if he says “no”), it is better not to marry someone who does not want to marry you.
Then, ask him if he has ever thought about marriage. Ask him what kind of person he wants to marry. Ask him how he feels about you – assuming he already likes you because he has been your friend for years, (although I must draw your attention that Islamically it’s not correct to have a close friendship with someone from the opposite sex.)
Keep asking him those kinds of questions until he gets the message: that you want to talk about marriage with him without you having to come right out and saying it. Then, if he takes the lead, recognizing where you want to go with the conversation, he will ask you what you are asking all these questions about, and then you can tell him that you want to know if he has ever considered marrying you. This way, he is not put on the spot and he is more a party to the process of a conversation about the topic.
In sha’ Allah, I hope this helps.
In addition, our scholar, Dr. Wael Shihab added:
Dear sister,
you should never lose hope in gaining Allah’s (swt) mercy, favors, and blessings. You should resort to God (swt) in du`aa’ asking Him Most High to bless you with His infinite mercy and help. We ask Allah Almighty to help you lead a happy life in this world and in the hereafter, ameen.
Remember that people in Paradise will have whatever they wish. God (swt) says in the Qur’an,
“They will have whatever they wish therein, and with Us is more.” (50: 35)
Therefore, the believer will have in paradise what he or she wishes (children, spouse, etc.)
Moreover, remember that, in sha’ Allah, you will be rewarded by God (swt), by His will and grace, for your patience and satisfaction with His decree.”
Salam,
***
Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information that was provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, it’s volunteers, writers, scholars, counselors, or employees be held liable for any direct, indirect, exemplary, punitive, consequential or other damages whatsoever that may arise through your decision or action in the use of the services which our website provides.