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Between My College Degree & a Marriage Proposal

Questioner

Anonymous

Reply Date

Jun 08, 2017

Question

As Salamalykum, I have been in a relationship with a man for over 6 years now. He told his parents and they agree but when I told my parents they were against our relationship. His parents called for my hand in marriage three times and my parents kept rejecting them. Although they are happy about our relationship now, yet still want me to marry after I finish my degree. He recently engaged with his cousin and said he cannot wait for me another 5 to 6 years. Also if I want to marry him then my parents should call them and say they agree to the marriage. If not then after I finish my study he can accept me as the second wife. But I do not want to be his second wife. I then prefer not marrying him at all. Could you please give me some advice?

Counselor

Answer


Between My College Degree & a Marriage Proposal

In this counseling answer:

Both getting married and earning a degree are important events in life. Therefore, the counselor advises the sister to either try convincing her parents to marry her off now, just like many other young Muslims who get married during their college years, or close this chapter and move on until Allah (swt) brings someone else even more suitable, in sha’ Allah, at the right time.


 

As-Salaam ‘Aleikom,

After being with a person for so many years, it is normal to get attached and used to them. So, I can understand that you might like him and want to be with him after spending 6 years together.

There is nothing wrong with liking someone and showing interest in marrying someone, but it is completely wrong to be with someone before marriage. So, first of all, I advise you to seek Allah’s (swt) forgiveness if you have done anything that is beyond the limits Islam establishes.

This man might have some pressure from his parents to marry someone soon like you have from your parents to complete your studies. He seems to be interested in you as he sent his parents to ask for your hand. Asking for girl’s hand three times is a big deal because the boy’s family is normally full of pride and do not like to be rejected by the girl’s family.

I can understand that he cannot wait for you 5-6 years, but how long can he wait? If he is already engaged to someone else, then he will most probably marry her soon.

If you have less than a year to complete your studies, then it is a reasonable time to ask this guy to wait for you, especially when he has spent 6 years with you. But if it will take a longer time to finish your degree, then I suggest that you close this chapter and move on as I doubt he will wait for you.

You could always try to convince your parents to marry him now. Actually, there are many people who get married while still being in college. Why could you not finish your degree while being married? Bring your reasons to your parents and see if they want to agree to this option.

It is your decision and yours alone. But you might want to think about why your parents want you to finish your degree first. There must be a reason behind it.

Well, a degree will give you more financial stability and less dependency on anyone in the future. Unfortunately, we live in a day and age where marriages break very easily. If a girl is educated, she can stand on her own feet. Parents like to see their children with this security as it is very difficult to trust anyone. I am sure your parents have your best interest and love you a lot, and whatever they are asking you to do might be good for you. I am not saying that you are wrong, but you are very emotional at the moment. When a person is not thinking rationally it can be hard to make the right decision.

Sit down and think for yourself what might be best for you to do. You could try talking to some family members your parents like to listen to and see if they can speak to your parents.

Remember, Allah (swt) has planned for you who to marry. So, if you don’t marry this guy, then in sha’Allah, there is someone else better than him for you. Always think positive, pray the istikharah prayer, and make lots of du’aa’ to Allah (swt) to guide you.

May Allah (swt) help you and ease your problems.

Ameen,

***

Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.




About Hadia Ali

Hadia Ali is a 27 years old Pakistani Muslim woman, born and bred in Norway. She has obtained her bachelor's degree in Sociology from Norway. Currently, she lives in the UK with her husband and two children. Email: [email protected]

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