Before Marriage, How to Know She is The One?

05 October, 2019
Q I am an engineer currently searching for job. I am also concerned about marriage in the future. I want someone who is, first of all, religious, then has a good character and is beautiful as well. In this order, because Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) said: “Abu Hurairah, may Allah be pleased with him, reported:

The Prophet said, "A woman is married for four things, i.e., her wealth, her family status, her beauty and her religion. So you should marry the religious woman (otherwise) you will be a loser.” So a man has to seek a wife who is committed to her religion, otherwise, he is a loser! How will a person know before marriage that the girl is religious? Should we leave that to Allah and wait for the right person arranged by my parents? I trust Allah and believe in Him. My next question is how to control the kids in the coming generation and how to guide them through Islam?

We can already see some signs of the Last Day of the Earth. I am a bit worried because in today’s generation worse is happening than good. I am not saying there are no good people at all, but one feels uneasy when these thoughts come across. I hope you understand my question. JazakAllah Khayran.

Answer


In this counseling answer:

• Search for your work position and get yourself stable.

• You must achieve and be the level that you want to attract and draw into your life. I

• If you find a woman who intends to grow spiritually and to facilitate the spiritual growth and development of her children while supporting her husband on his life path, then you will have found a rare, but eternal blessing of a human being to share life with all the days of your life here and in the hereafter.

• If you find a woman who wants the same things, shares your values, who has enough confidence within herself to know that she can continue developing herself (and you are able to allow this space for her), then you will likely be able to find the balance you are seeking.

• First, examine your own intentions and authentic spiritual life needs; then communicate, communicate, communicate.


As-Salamu ‘Alaykum,

These are very good and important questions. Your contemplating on these issues shows me that you are a responsible and concerned young man who has the intention of making a positive contribution to this world while living a good and healthy life in harmony with the natural laws of Allah, alhamdulillah.

You have two separate questions and I will address them as such. Although, they overlap each other, yet looking at them separately will be helpful. But first, I encourage you to take everything one step at a time. First, search for your work position and get yourself stable. This will help you position yourself so that you can take your time in deciding which woman is best for you and your life.

With that said, also keep in mind that as you grow, your consciousness will expand over time to increase your understanding of spiritual matters and the value and role that religion plays in developing your spiritual self.

If you find a woman who intends to grow spiritually and to facilitate the spiritual growth and development of her children while supporting her husband on his life path, then you will have found a rare, but eternal blessing of a human being to share life with all the days of your life here and in the hereafter.

Before Marriage, How to Know She is The One? - About Islam

The first step in this process (besides getting yourself stable in employment) is to work on your own character and find a way to balance/integrate the religious practice into your life in such a way that it will support your spiritual journey. This alone is a huge undertaking! However, you must achieve and be the level that you want to attract and draw into your life. In other words, if you are focusing on your own character building and on integrating a religious practice in your life which assists you in being balanced as you grow spiritually over time, then you will position yourself spiritually to attract a woman who is like you. This is a metaphysical principle. Instead of forcing things, allow life. Life will unfold in the perfect way to give us the experiences we need for our own spiritual enfoldment and development. That you are asking these questions means that you are well on your way!

With that said, I can also see that you would like some practical advice. I do have a possible solution if your parents are amicable to this approach. I noticed that you are currently in the UAE; however, I am not sure of your particular cultural norms. If your traditions allow you to wait without causing your sister to be put on hold in the process of getting married, then perhaps you can talk to your parents about your specific desires.

There are two different approaches your parents might be willing to accept. They might be willing to ensure that the woman they choose for you, indeed, has the characteristics you are seeking and allow you to meet and talk to her about these issues prior to making any solid arrangements. Some parents, even those from more traditional cultures, are willing to meet the families of women their sons are particularly interested in. The best you can really achieve is to be clear about yourself, what you stand for, and what you are seeking in the woman you would marry. Then make your desires clear and talk about this with her to see if she is also on the same page as you are about these matters.

Even in cultures where people date before marriage, all too often the important discussions about lifestyle, priorities, and values are ignored which lead those marriages to fail. The bottom line here is that you must evaluate your own values and be clear about them, and then discuss that with your prospects to determine which woman shares the same values. In addition, there are so many other issues now you should be very clear about such as whether you want children, how many you want, and if you would like a career woman or you prefer a woman who will stay at home with the children. These should be discussed prior to making any arrangements for engagement or marriage.


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Regarding your second question about raring children; if you have decided that you would like to find a woman to co-create an environment in which to rear healthy and well-adjusted children who can thrive in the future world they will be living in, then you will need to be aware of this intention before you seek this wife. Remember, you cannot achieve “control” over this as tomorrow is in the hands of Allah. But you can make a conscious choice to do your very best and remain tuned into His guidance and to remain proactively conscious.

Harmonizing is about letting go and then co-creating with the forces of Allah, with your life partner and with life. We do not know what the world will be like in 20 years from now as it is changing so fast. If you had children today, you would want to instill them with faith, knowledge, a healthy and good character, and the ability to “tune in” to Allah.

To do that, you will have to position yourself to make those choices about what schools to have them attend, where you want to live, and how you want to teach and rear your children. This will require that you have a life partner you can communicate with and discuss these issues in a way that increases your mutual love and respect for each other while empowering you to make the best possible choices. This means that you want to have a job that can sustain that, be happy without living beyond your means, and use your religious practice to keep you connected to Allah.

If you find a woman who wants the same things, shares your values, wants to be a wife and mother, and who has enough confidence within herself to know that she can continue developing herself (and you are able to allow this space for her), then you will likely be able to find the balance you are seeking. This is the best you can do. We can achieve nothing without the help of Allah. We can only do our very best in doing our part, and then continuously align our will with the will of Allah and unfold our own soul as our life unfolds before us.

I would say that the most important thing you can take from my response here is to first examine your own intentions and authentic spiritual life needs; then communicate, communicate, communicate. Communicate with your parents, communicate with your prospects; have discussions, and really talk about these things before entering into an agreement. Even more important is to communicate with Allah! Pray and ask for guidance, clarity, and protection. Life will offer many challenges and blessings; therefore you will need Allah first and foremost in your life as you progress through it to your spiritual destination.

Salam,

***

Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

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About Maryam Bachmeier
Dr. Bachmeier is a clinical psychologist who has been working in the mental health field for over 15 years. She is also a former adjunct professor at Argosy University, writer, and consultant in the areas of mental health, cultural, and relationship issues.