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Am I Just Having Cold Feet Before The Wedding?!

22 July, 2017
Q Salam. I wrote to you guys at the start of this year and received a very helpful and insightful response labeled "Engagement Ended Abruptly, Life Turned Upside Down". Jazak Allah khairan for the response. I just wanted to tell you about few things that have changed since then. My ex-fiancé ended up calling me. We got back together, and we're in the process of telling our parents and planning the wedding, in sha’ Allah. But I’ve been having some serious doubts. There are a few things he has done which might seem petty but are playing in my mind. One thing is that he says he would do something but doesn't follow through. For instance, he said he bought me a birthday present, but it’s been 2 months, and I haven’t received anything. It’s not about the present per se but what it represents. Another time we were talking about getting married and having kids, and it seems his idea and perception of raising kids is very different from mine. Am I just having cold feet? I try hard, but I can’t seem to shack this feeling of uncertainty. Any thoughts/ideas? We've been together for almost 1.5 years. Jazak Allah khairan.

Answer

Answer:

Wa `Alaikom As-Salaam,

Cold feet are when people start making excuses to get out of a commitment based on nothing but anxiety and nervousness. These excuses are usually nonsensical and often make no sense. However, you state two very important points that may cause discord and hardship in your future relationship.

Firstly, you feel that he makes promises and/or says things but does not follow through. This may not be a big deal if done a few times as we all fail to meet commitments at times, but it can be symptomatic of greater character traits like lack of motivation, not giving one’s word enough respect, not being trustworthy, responsible, etc. It sounds as if you are weary that his inability to follow through may be a bigger issue.

I would recommend bringing it up with him and observing his lifestyle to see if he truly is inattentive and cannot follow through. If it is a reoccurring theme, then you may need to think if you can put up with that shortcoming. It is not necessarily a “deal breaker”(unless you feel it is), but it will be an added responsibility you have to ensure that your lives run smoothly in the case he does not follow through with things.

Secondly, difference in opinion on child rearing is a major cause of marital fights. You may want to have a detailed discussion of what his values are that inform some of his parenting ideas. It may be a matter of lack of communication, or it may be a matter of differing values in which case you may want to take a good look at why you are marrying someone with different values than your own.

Lastly, please do not refer to your emotional reactions as stupid. Emotions represent how you feel about certain things, and they should be listened to in order to see what is going on inside your head and your heart. Often they can be worked through and closed off, but often if they go unattended, frustration and anger can build to a problematic potential.

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Many times women will enter a relationship simply for the sake of entering one. Socially, being alone and/or single is seen as worse than being unhappily married. I would encourage you to take a good look at your current relationship objectively (pretend you are giving a friend advice) and try to assess if it is really good for you.

You are young; do not let fear be your motivation to continue in the relationship if you are having concerns at this point. If these concerns go unaddressed, they may cause problems later on. After thinking about things, have an open conversation with your fiancé about your concerns and see if the differences are manageable.

Salams,

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