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Afraid of Marriage & Financial Responsibility

Questioner

Anonymous

Reply Date

Nov 30, 2016

Question

As-Salamu ‘Alaykum. I try to be a good, practicing Muslim. Recently, I got engaged. She is a quite practicing Muslim and from a good family. In the past, I thought that first I will arrange my future and then get married, but my career plan didn’t go as I had planned. I also took a loan for my higher education which I was able to pay back, alhamdulillah. Now, I have a decent salary, but I am quite afraid that I might not be able to support my family financially. Also, until my engagement, I was staying with my parents, but now I have been working in the Gulf. Can you advise me how to overcome this fear? Thank you.

Counselor

Answer


Afraid of Marriage & Financial Responsibility

Answer:

As-Salaamu ’Alaikum brother,

Why are you afraid that you can not provide for your family? Do you have evidence for this or is it a psychological block that you have placed in your own mind?

To better understand your situation, you will need to calculate the cost of living in your area and make sure that you include home rent and expenses (food, electricity, car, etc.) If you make a decent salary, you should be able to get a decent place to start off your life with your wife. Salaries are generally proportionate to the regional expenses one lives in.

Make sure that you do not try to “over deliver” in what you promise to provide for your wife. Sometimes, young men want to do whatever it takes to make their wives happy and then over promise and soon realize it is outside their means. Sometimes, young women have unrealistic expectations of what they want right from the beginning as far as material provision and bridal gifts. If this is the case, then you need to discuss this with her. If you feel she is being unrealistic and unsupportive of your current financial means, then she may not be a good fit for you. Sometimes, people marry someone more so for “what they get” not for “who they are.”

I would recommend not having children for at least the first two years. This is wise because the first two years is the essential phase of a newly wed couple to adjust to their personalities more deeply, find a lifestyle groove together, and also learn all the things that tend never to be revealed before the marriage. Once you two are grounded and in harmony, starting a family is the next organic step. Often couples have children right away and this causes more issues than good because the couple puts too much on their plate at once. Major life transitions like marriage, moving away from family, real sacrificing, taking on responsibilities require a healthy adjustment period or else these will all cause negative stress on both partners.

Allah (saw) is the source of all provision and wealth, brother. Believe in His abundance and strive to take the means and your provision will increase with time. You are still a young man just out of college. Becoming financially grounded can take time and for some does not always come as quickly as we like.

“And to Allah belong the best names, so invoke Him by them…” (Qur’an, 7:180)

Call upon the names of God (swt) in your prayer and du’aa’ that reflect exactly what you need right now. Some suggested names to remember are:

Al Karim (The Most Generous; the one who gives more than you ask for)

Al Wahab (The One who gives without asking)

Al Razaq (The One who provides and sustains existence)

Al Ghani (The One true source of wealth and treasures and who possess all)

Everyday repeat these names 10 times each and reflect on their meaning. Remember the verse in the Quran that helps the believer find ease in times of anxiety around wealth and provision when getting married.

“And marry the unmarried among you and the righteous among your male slaves and female slaves. If they should be poor, Allah will enrich them from His bounty, and Allah is all-Encompassing and Knowing.” (Quran 24:32)

God bless you on starting your family soon.

Salam,

***

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About Karim Serageldin

Karim Serageldin, founder of Noor, completed his BA in psychology & religion, followed by an MA in east-west psychology with a specialization in spiritual counseling. He is a certified life coach with years of teaching and community outreach experience. His practical work and research includes developing a modern framework of Islamic psychology, relationship, family and youth coaching. He provides seminars and workshops in the United States. You can contact Br. Karim at: http://www.noorhumanconsulting.com or facebook.com/noorhumanconsulting


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